Sanity Saviour

Depression and other Mental Illnesses can zap you of any energy or motivation you have.  Sometimes the medications used to treat these can have an even worse effect. I have never made it a secret that I don't like housework. So I wanted to share with you what I do to make things easier each day. Things that make things run a little smoothly.
 

1. A lot of people fold their washing as they take it off the line, I take it one step further.  I take the clothes off the line in order of whose clothes they are.  Then when I come inside, all of the clothes are already in piles of whose room they belong in, meaning that I put them away straight away.  It takes a bit longer out at the line...but then again it's quicker than a giant Mt Washmore.
 

2. Devil Spawn has a bath for at least 30 minutes every night. I use this time to talk to Papa Devil on the phone. Also when I'm up to it, I use the time to tidy away Devil Spawns toys and do the washing up. He's happy and I get some quiet time. It's a win/win situation.
 

3. On days that I know are going to be hectic or just plain hard I make dinner in the slow cooker. It means that we get a decent dinner and there is usually left overs that I can freeze for easy dinners later.
 

4. When Devil Spawn goes to daycare, I make his lunch the night before.  I am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination, this means I have to do as little as possible when my brain is still foggy.
 

5.  After Devil Spawn has a bath at night, I dress him in a shirt for the next day. Then again, in the morning while still in a foggy, not really wanting to be awake daze I can leave the house at a reasonable time. At least on the days when we have to go somewhere.
 

6.  Daycare Days are my days. I do what I want, when I want it.  I don't pressure myself to do anything. I take them as my days to relax and regain myself. 
 

These are my sanity savers. They help me get through the week, the day, the hour.  I don't pretend to have all of the answers...I just do what works for me.
 

What are your sanity savers?
 

Linking up with #IBOT

Jo-Baz Hair Colour Remover Review

I received one Jo-Baz product to review. All opinions are my own.
 

I have already tried the Jo-Baz straightening product so when I was given the opportunity to trial the colour remover I was excited.  I have been dying my hair since I was 15. I was 'gifted' the awesome family genes that meant I started going grey at 13.  Now at 24 I'm all salt and pepper.  In the past I have gone with blue black as a favourite colour, which of course meant that it was next to impossible to go anything lighter.  My one attempt at doing a home job of going lighter resulted in me having bright red roots and no change the rest of my hair.  Going lighter was something I trusted to the professionals.  My last hair dressing appointment took 4.5 hours to lighten and redye, so I was a little skeptical when this product boasted being able to remove colour in the same amount of time as a hair dye.

  This is what my hair looked like when I started. The last colour that I put in was a Burgundy, which went from a nice purple to a kind of washed out reddish brown within a few weeks.

  According to the Jo-Baz website the Hair Colour remover works on the artificial dye molecules in your hair by shrinking them and allowing them to be washed away.  It is great for that colour that doesn't quite look how you want it or for when you want a quick change.  It is available in Normal and Max Strength.  Normal is used for medium tones, while Max is used for darker tones.  The product that I used was the Max strength.
 

When reading through the instructions I was surprised with how straight forward it seemed. I wondered if it would be that simple.  I was thankfully pleasantly surprised.  It was in fact much easier than putting a dye through my hair.  There were only a few simple steps and I was all finished in about  an hour.  Normally a hair dye takes me close to 45 minutes just to apply!
 

For the rinsing out the colour remover the instructions stated to take 5-10 minutes depending on the length of your hair.  It was 5 blissful minutes of standing under the shower, no interruptions, alone. Letting the shower wash over my head.  It was definitely my favourite part of the process.
 

This is the colour that I was left with. I did notice as I was rinsing out my hair that it was quite dry on the ends. I think if the product included a conditioner, like the hair dye packs do then this would easily combat this.  It actually did my oily roots some good thought so it wasn't all bad.  I was quite happy with the results and would gladly use it again if I had a colour mishap.
 

Do you dye your hair often? Have you had any dismal results of home dye jobs?

The Physical Side of Mental Illness

It's no secret that having a Mental Illness is fucking hard. It takes over every part of your life, until you start to wonder where you end and the illness begins.  However what about the physical side effects. Not just the tiredness and lack of motivation, but the long term effects. The effects, that once you are stable on meds, still come back to bite you in the arse.
 

A lot of people who have a mental illness need to be on medication to stay stable. For some people they will be on that medication for the rest of their life.  These medications can have long term side effects.  These can include softening of the enamel on your teeth, restless leg syndrome and sensitivity to sunlight.  For these people there is no alternative. You take the medication that works the best with the least crappy side effects. 
 

Another swell physical side effect of many anti-psychotics is weight gain and increased appetite. Yep because I hate my body enough already without ballooning to twice my size while deep throating the entire bakery because you just never quite feel full enough. When I was on zyprexa I put on 10kg in 7days while still exercising and eating how I normally do. 
 

When you can barely drag yourself out of bed every day, and most days you don't then the finer points of personal hygiene fall by the wayside.  Teeth brushing falls to the wayside. Showers only when you need to leave the house. Food involves things that are easy to make, generally coming straight out of a packet. All of this, coupled with medication that softens the enamel on your teeth, means that a few years down the track your teeth are going to be shit.  No amount of making up brushing will stop it because your teeth are the only part of your body that doesn't regenerate itself.
When I felt myself on the cusp of letting go, I would go walking, late at night, barefoot. I didn't care about myself and the damage that it was doing at the time.  I would walk across glass, anything that would cause pain.  As a result my feet are now super sensitive. Even standing in good shoes for longer than 30 minutes hurts. It feels like my bones are bruised.
 

I have scars from my wrists to my shoulders. My arms are nothing but scar tissue. This makes a few things difficult. Taking blood was already a pain in the arse, now it's damn near impossible. Pregnancy was fun.  I can never escape the looks. I love summer but feel more comfortable in Winter. I can wear long sleeves, I look like any 'normal' person. I don't have to deal with people who think that I am blind and can't see them pointing at me.
 

Do you suffer from a Mental Illness or does a family member? What are the long term side effects that you have witnessed.

The truth is better than any story

I've shared with you all before that I have been in jail before.  I was there for 2 months. Two long months.  Two months is certainly long enough to know what the routines are, what is expected and to miss the things that you take for granted in the 'outside world'.  It's this experience that makes me pissed off when I see people make flippant remarks about how 'easy' criminals have it in jail.  It's certainly easier for a lot of people than being out on the streets, but it's certainly no walk in the park.
 

I won't go into what I did to end up in jail in this post because it's all in the post I have made before.  For ease of conversation however I will say that my crime is categorised by the law as a violent crime. Even though I had no intention of hurting anyone but myself, the law likes to put everything in nice, neat little boxes.  I was refused bail and spent three days in a watch house.  I went to court once in that time.  So it is with great interest that I watch news programs talk about the 'injustice' that celebrities (if you could even call them that) receive when they are taken into custody.
 

Stripping from head to toe in front of two officers is horrible, you feel disgusting but it's a necessary part of the custody process. While some officers may take their role a little too seriously, this act is not done with the sole purpose of humiliation, despite what the sensationalised media will tell you.  It's necessary to protect both yourself and the people you will be sharing a cell with. Yes there is a high chance that you will have to share.
 

What are they looking for? Contraband.  Once again if you listen to the media then this only stretches to drugs. It's not. It's anything that can be used as a weapon, both on yourself or someone else.  It includes things like belts, shoelaces, drawstrings, any belongings on your person as well as the more obvious things such as drugs, alcohol and tobacco.  These things are not taken off you to make your life more difficult on purpose, they are there to protect you.  Everyone goes into the cell with the same thing, stand over tactics are reduced this way.
 

Another aspect that makes me roll my eyes is the idea that prisoners get 3 hot meals a day.  The meals might be hot when they leave the kitchen..an hour before they are served to the prisoners but they are definitely not hot when they are consumed.  Ever eaten pasta when it's stone cold? It's like eating glue.  Far from the five star treatment that the media would like to lead the public to believe.  If you live in the residential area, you must get a job so that you can pay for your own food and cook it.  Before you get scared about the prisoners being out amongst the public, these jobs are things like mowing the prison grounds, working in the kitchen, jobs within the jail. 
 

For a few of the prisoners that I shared a section with, them being in jail is better than their life outside.  They have somewhere to sleep, food is definitely coming and they don't have to deal with abusive family members.  It's easy to be grateful for little when you are used to nothing.  

Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT

Pong Iphone Case Review

I received one Pong Iphone case for the purpose of this review.  All opinions are my own.
 

When I first read about the Pong case, I admit I was skeptical. Which in turn meant that I had to try it for myself to find out if the case lived up to the hype created by the makers.  I was expecting a quite big case that was pretty ugly but was pleasantly surprised.  While the case was a bit heavier than normal Iphone cases, it wasn't clunky or ugly.  The case comes is available for use with Iphone, Ipad, Blackberry and Samsung and comes in 7 different colours. 
 

Pong Research boasts "Pong Research is the first and only maker of technologically advance Smartphone and Ipad cases that improve device performance and protect users against cellular and WI-Fi radiation.  Compared to standard Smartphone and Ipad cases, Pong's cases have been proved in independent laboratories to improve reception, increase range, conserve battery life, accelerate download and upload speeds and reduce a user's exposure to electromagnetic radiation by up to 95% below international safety limits
Developed by a team of PhD scientists trainted at MIT, Princeton, Harvard and the University of Manchester, all Pong cases are embedded with a multi-patented antenna system that redirects electromagnetic radiation that would otherwise be absorbed by the users' head and body"
 

Included in the package was a screen protector and a micro fibre cloth.  The micro fibre cloth was great. My Iphone has been in a case since I bought it, which means that I have a lot of dirt built up where the case and the phone meet.  The cloth just wiped it straight off. 
 

I have never had a screen protector on my phone. In fact mine came with one and I took it off. They always seem to bubble and make it harder to use touch screen.  So I was skeptical to put the screen protector on and didn't really want to.  When I put it on, I was pleasantly surprised.  The screen went on seamlessly and the only place that it bubbled was around the crack I have near the top of my screen. In fact when I tried to take the screen protector off, I struggled to remove it as I couldn't find where it started! 
 

I can't accurately comment on the decrease in radiation exposure as, like a number of other housewives, I don't have a radiation detector laying around the house. I seem to have every other strange appliance, but sadly not a radiation detector.  What I can comment on however is the battery life and reception.
 

It's no secret that the Iphone has awesome capabilities but crappy battery life.  Unfortunately from what I could tell, this case didn't change that.  With normal use, the battery power was much the same as it always is, crappy. I was disappointed as I am always looking for ways to avoid having to charge my phone multiple times a day.
 

Since the floods, Telstra reception has been pretty dodgy so I was anxious to find out if the case improved the reception and was happy to find that it did! Lately the mobile internet has been closer to dial up speed and extremely painful to use. You really don't notice how much you use your internet on the phone until you can't.  While I had the case on I was able to access social media, netbank and the all important bus timetables.  It really makes life so much easier.  I was impressed too that I had more bars of reception out at Devil Papa's place than I normally do. Making internet access that little bit less painful.
 

If you want to pick up your own Pong Smarphone or Ipad case check out www.pongmobile.com.au or your local Platinum Communications Kiosk in Westfield Shopping Centre Australia-wide. RRP from $49.99 AUD.

Linking up with Essentially Jess for IBOT

PMS can bite me

PMS or Premenstrual Syndrome is a bit of a touchy subject. A subject that seems to gather a lot of 'of she must be on her rags' comments from the more dense variety of the opposite sex.  PMS however is a very real syndrome for a lot of women.  Better health Channel says that up to 75% of women experience mild symptoms, while 20-30% experience more severe symptoms that can affect their mental well being.
 

The symptoms of PMS differ from woman to woman.  They can range from the physical such as bloating, weight gain, acne and swollen, tender breasts.  Many women also experience emotional symptoms such as decreased self esteem, moodiness, decreased/increased sex drive and anxiety.
 

There is also there more serious symptom of depression and suicidal ideation.  This is a symptom that I experienced.  It was horrible.  In the week leading up to my period, my depression reached new lows.  I couldn't get out of bed.  I didn't see the point. Many of my suicide attempts coincided with my period.  I just couldn't see the end. Even though I had dealt with this every month, I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The stress overrode the limited amount of coping mechanisms that I had.
 

When I was a teenager, one of my psychiatrists warned me to never go on Depo Provera for contraception.  After I feel pregnant and had to go cold turkey on all of my medication, I knew that I couldn't/didn't want to go through that again.  It was a roller coaster of emotions and mood swings.  I needed a contraception that I didn't have to remember to take every day because lets face it, some days I would forget my head if it wasn't screwed on.  I wanted something that I could just do it and then it works and something that wasn't invasive.  I have a lot of scar tissue on my arms, and so I wasn't able to get the rod in my arm, that left me with Depo.   

I do feel some of the effects of the Depo.  I have a consistent low mood that I am fighting...however it is much better than the PMS that I used to experience.  My crisis points are now further apart, rather than every single month.  It gives me time to work on my skills, hone in on the strategies that I already have.
 

Do you suffer from PMS badly? What are you never fail techniques to help lighten the load each month? 

Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT 

Trashy Tv is good for you!

I've made it no secret that I enjoy a bit of trashy television.  With posts about vjazzling and lingerie football, I really couldn't hide the fact.  Everyone's definition of trasy tv is a little bit different. Some people think Neighbours is trashy tv, these people *cough cough* Devil Papa *cough cough* are also glad that looks can't kill.
 

To me trashy tv is something you can watch, without really watching.  You know you 'shouldn't' but after a shitty day, you just need to relax, unwind and not have to think for another minute.  Enter trashy tv. I'm talking about the Jersey Shores and Snog, Marry, Avoid of the television world.  Something that you can watch from any point and not have to really know a 'back' story.  They also kind of make you feel a little more smart.
 

I very rarely watch the news.  It's too sad for me and I prefer to filter the news myself. Thirty minutes of nothing but despair, is not my idea of fun. Nor is it a good way to increase my Mental Health. People may think that it is kind of head in the sand approach, but I don't care. Sometimes we need to do things to protect ourselves.  Instead of the news I watch The Simpsons. It makes me laugh and it entertains Devil Spawn, it's really a gift that keeps on giving.
 

Watching trashy tv really has an indulgent factor to it. All day we are bombarded with images and messages that we 'need' to do things to better ourselves, things that use our brain.  Some days though, we just need to switch off. We need down time to let our brain recoup, especially after a long day of kid or career wrangling.  I like to set myself up with my laptop, after Devil Spawn has (finally!) gone to sleep and lose myself in good old no brain needed television. 
 

I also love a bit of crime shows that make me think.  It's all about balance and realising when you need timeout.  Our brains can't cope with constantly being switched on, it needs down time too. We start to feel physical effects after prolonged periods of adrenaline...if something as simple as watching half naked Brits with no fashion sense can help, then who is anyone to begrudge you that indulgence.
 
 Linking up with Jess for #IBOT
 

Do you like a bit of Trashy Tv? What do you do to give your brain a bit of down time?

Obsession

I've talked before about my struggles with food. Food and I have never had a good relationship.  I could list reason after reason, point to some obscure moment in my childhood where it all started but that's not what this is about. No, this is about obsession and the hold it takes over you.
 

I can't really pinpoint the moment when it turned from flirting to obsession. It was so subtle I hardly noticed the change.  Eating 'normally' was never something that I did. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I swing between eating nothing and eating all of the food in sight.  Which is probably why my weight yo-yos so much.  Disordered eating is that one step up, it's when it turns to obsession.
 

I hadn't regularly eaten lunch at school since I was 14, the year I turned 17 however it got 'serious'.  It started off as a 'health kick'.  Adding exercise to my routine. Then it wasn't enough. The food got less, the exercise got more. The weight started to drop off. School work suffered. I honestly have no idea how I managed to graduate.
An obsession consumes you. There is no room for anything else. 

You are exhausted all of the time, you pull away from friends.  I became my obsession. Every waking minute was filled with thoughts about much had I eaten, how much exercise I was going to do, when the next time I was going to eat.  Even though I had ridiculously reduced my calorie intake, my thoughts were still obsessed with food. I would allow myself one thing to eat a day. I would spend hours thinking about what that one piece of food could be.
 

I rarely slept. If I ate too much I needed to punish myself.  Too much could be an apple. I knew the calorie value of a food by just looking at it. My math skills greatly improved, pity I didn't use them for my schooling. I might have done much better.  Anything above 6 hours sleep during the week and I was doing well. No wonder I was a bundle of nerves.  Going off at the slightest thing.  My body was starving of all the essentials it needed and all I saw was things to make me push harder. 
 

It seemed to end as soon as it started. Sneaking away like a thief in the night. 

Linking up with #IBOT

Dentists and being preggers

One of the *joys* of nearly 7 years of not giving a damn about my physical self is that it's having repercussions. One of those repercussions is my teeth falling apart.  The medication I am on doesn't help either.  One of the worst would have to have been when I was pregnant.
 

My teeth usually hurt on and off all of the time. I was about 33 weeks pregnant with Devil Spawn. I had been eating on one side of my mouth for a while and had been putting up with it. I was pregnant, what was one more body part hurting.  Then the unthinkable happened....another tooth started hurting and I had to do something about it.
 

Most stupid thing I have ever done in my entire life.
We're lucking in the Great Southern Land...we have access to free health care. It might take forever and a day to get to see someone, but then at least we still get to see someone at the end.  There is also the emergency lists. Ringing up the dental clinic and complaining about how much pain you are in, then casually throwing in that you are pregnant, is pretty sure to get you seen pretty quickly.
 

Obviously the baby had stolen any kind of rational thought I had left in my brain.  Which I admit pre baby wasn't very many to start with.
 

I figured a filling and I would be outta there. Oh how wrong was I! What I wasn't aware of was that unless you are willing to wait elebenty hundred years on the public waiting list (or can afford to pay for it yourself) then the only 'treatment' the offer is to rip out the offending tooth. In my case a molar.
 

I avoid dentists like the plague. Hate them. Hate the drill. Hate the smell. Hate them altogether. I have to be pretty desperate to go to one, and I was.
 

The first step in tooth ripping out extraction was to make the area numb. I'm all for feeling no pain. What I'm not all for is the big arse needles. Yeh I'm not too keen on them. I don't faint or anything like that but they freak me out. So there I was 33 weeks pregnant, 21years of age, with my eyes clamped shut like a child while they stuck a giant (obviously) needle in my gum. After a few minutes I was drooling out the side of my mouth like a zombie.
 

Next came the tooth ripping out.  Have you ever had a tooth ripped out? You can't feel it but you can hear it. It is gross, horrible and disgusting. It feels like it goes on forever and I'm sure the dentist was mere seconds away from putting her foot on the chair and pulling like something out of a cartoon. I had no idea what she was doing of course because I still had my eyes closed.
 

The dentist then informed me that because of the state I was in..all I could take was paracetemol for the pain. The pain that was likely to radiate through my head for the next three days.  Here is the clincher...I have an intolerance to paracetamol. Multiple OD will do that to you. Turns out I was just past the threshold for being able to safely take nurofen unsupervised. Yay!
 

I may have gone into my local chemist and asked if they could give me anything at all that didn't have paracetamol in it. The answer was a bit fat no.  I lay in bed for the next few days being shit scared of getting dry socket. The dentist had been so lovely and outlined, complete with pictures what happens when dry socket occurs. She reminded me of our crazy Year 9 wood work teacher who told us the worst horror story about a machine then expected us to use it.
I am embarking on the public dental journey again. However this time I can take ALL THE PAINKILLERS!
 

Do you avoid the dentist like the plague too? Or am I just a big sooky la la?
 

Linking up with Jess for #IBOT

Healthy Me

I've decided that things need to change around here. I'm not going to make the usual 'I am going to lose x amount of kilos', only to feel guilty in a weeks time when I am stuffing my face with food I told myself I wasn't going to eat. 
 

This year is going to be different. This year I am aiming for health instead.  Losing weight will be just one of the bonus'. Physically my body is feeling the effects of my not giving a damn. My hair is dry and frizzy, my skin is forever in a state of break outs, my nails are growing at a snails pace, my energy levels are lacking.  I go to bed feeling crap, I wake up feeling crap. It is a giant rut and I am stuck right in the middle of it. 
 

This year instead of being a year of cycles of deprivation, followed by guilt when I 'give in', I am going to follow my body.  Eat healthy but not deprive myself. Live realistically. Everyone is different and I know for myself, the minute I say that there will be 'no more (instert food here)' that is the exact food that I crave.  I won't be following any fad diets. I will just be getting back to basics.
 

This year I am starting from the inside and then the effects will show on the outside.  Every time I go to my GP and she does my iron it is always ridiculously low, I need to start taking Iron supplements, as well as multivitamin.  Filling in the deficits that I know are there, getting energy back that I used to have.  Drinking more water, flushing out my system from the sugars and chemicals of months of drinking nothing but cordial and soft drink. 
 

This year I will become more involved. Working my way back up to being active like I once once.  Pushing for the endorphins that exercise gives.  Enjoying being in the outdoors again. Becoming involved with actually playing with Devil Spawn.  Working towards a better fitness level.  Allowing myself the opportunity to feel good physically again. 
 

This year I won't be getting caught up in the details. I will be taking it a day at a time, moment by moment. I won't be leaving things until tomorrow because tomorrow never comes.  Seizing the moment, no matter how strange it feels. Using my energy to it's advantage.  Getting back into a routine.  Fixing what needs fixing and moving on.  Letting go of the negative and allowing the positive to flow through.
 

What have you decided needs to change in your life? Are you already making steps or are you waiting for the tomorrow that never comes?
 

What are you waiting for? Seize the moment, you never know when it will come again.

Linking up with Jess for #IBOT 

The importance of sleep

Any parent will be able to recite to you the effects of sleep deprivation.  Whether it's a long term issue or one night after months of being a perfect sleeper, we've all felt it.  The term walking zombie comes to mind.
 

Sleep is so important to good mental health.  Of course it's always easier said than done.  When you have sole care of a small child, you can't just pop a sleeping pill and hope for the best.  At least not without knowing how well it works first.  The trouble with not being able to sleep is that for me it's often too late to even contemplate taking medication...I have enough trouble getting out of bed in the morning as it is.
 

A few years ago, before Devil Spawn came along, I couldn't sleep...for 5 days straight.  I laid in bed, closed my eyes and nothing happened....for 5 days.  I had been taken off all sedative medication and had no access to any.  I even tried alcohol and nothing happened.  My brain just refused to switch off. I was at a loss as to what to do.  On the 3rd night I went to A&E. After waiting for hours, I was told to go home, I was nothing but a drug chaser. If I was a drug chaser then I would have already slept...you know because I would have drugs.  Rinse and repeat for the next night.  Both nights I had to wait to see the psych team. Both nights I was accused of being a drug chaser. Both nights I was given nothing.  By this stage it was up to day 4.
 

I had called the Crisis Team, they told me to go to A&E, it was fruitless. I was at a loss as to what I could do.  My brain was refusing to switch off. My eyes burned from being open for 4 days. I was very close to snapping. I covered an entire wall in my room with paper and wrote ramblings, that spanned the whole wall. A kind of brain splatter on my wall. None of it made sense.  Still I couldn't sleep.
 

I had a small amount of hope (or I was a glutton for punishment) and went to the A&E again.  It was now day 5. I din't have much faith, but I needed sleep and I was willing to do anything at this point.  Anything legal that is.  I was in luck...the registrar who was on duty that night was someone who knew my history...something that the other doctor could have easily checked and seen that I have never had an issue with drugs.  He couldn't believe that I had been ignored so long.  He wanted to admit me, I just wanted to sleep, something that we all know doesn't happen too comfortably in a hospital bed.  He had no hesitation in giving me a wafer type medication to help me sleep. A wafer is a medication that dissolves as soon as it hits your tongue.  An easy way to avoid giving me a script, which is what the other doctor was apparently trying to avoid.
 

After 5 days, I sleep deeply and long.  I felt refreshed and like I had control over my body again. 
 

Snore Australia states the effects of chronic sleep deprivation as "feeling tired, irritability, slurred speech, blurred vision, memory loss, inability to concentrate, episodes of confusion, hallucinations, nausea, impotence and reduced sexual drive. "  They also state that extreme sleep deprivation can lead to psychosis.  Unfortunately the only way to 'fix' sleep deprivation is to sleep.  Something that can be easier said than done, especially when you add small children into the mix.
 

The website How Did You Sleep says that the importance for sleep to mental health is paramount. "Sleep allows the brain to take in new information and strengthen our memories.  The quality of your sleep can have a significant impact on your mood, energy level and ability to concentrate.  It can affect your work, cause relationship problems and make it difficult to complete simple tasks.  Sleep can also affect our mental wellbeing, immune system, and other health-related issues. It is crucial to our health that we learn to sleep well."
 

Do you have trouble with sleep? What do you do each night to ensure that you get a good nights sleep?
 

Linking up with Jess for #IBOT

Blame Game

The trouble when you have to do a life cull is that you really notice the shitty behaviour of people that you surround yourself with.  It makes you wonder what on earth possessed you to become friends in the first place, to allow these people into the inner sanctum that is your friendship circle.
 

Over the last few months I have been conflicted about an issue. An issue that I have talked at length with friends and family about.  An issue that just won't go away.  An issue that stares me in the face every single day.  That's the trouble with living in a town where everyone seems to know everyone.  This issue looks me in the face every time I look at Devil Spawn and think what could have happened.  How I wish that I had done things differently that night.  Woulda, shoulda, coulda. Something that I am struggling with immensly is that MY son was placed in danger but I am being painted the bad guy.
 

I am protecting my son from influences that I do not want him in contact with but I am being painted as dividing a family.  Devil Spawn is not an adult, he needs to be protected.  Contrary to what others think, he was not able to consent to the situation he was placed in.  The adults in the situation had the choice to go anywhere else and do what they did, instead they chose to do it on my son's bed, while he was asleep.  I don't care how intoxicated they think they were, what they did is wrong.  I am not to blame.
It's amazing when someone does something wrong that their friends take on a mob mentality.  The internet allows this to happen. It's easy to get caught up in the ebb and flow of a situation.  Ease of access to the internet means that it's hard to escape it. It can be in your face constantly.  The trouble with a mob mentality is that there is always one person singled out. I have been witness to this over and over again. It was only when it happened to me that I noticed the effects it can have on someone.  Hindsight can be a bitch. 
 

When we do something wrong, the adult thing is to apologise. To realise what we did wrong and apologise. Unfortunately not everyone thinks this way.  Some people enjoy playing the blame game.  It's something we do as children, but hopefully, by the time we are adults have developed enough morals to apologise when we realise we have done something wrong or we are pulled up on actions that are offensive to others.  The trouble with the blame game is that it doesn't help anyone, especially you.  It doesn't help anyone move on, and more often than not it alienates you from those around you.  Accepting what you did and concentrating on not making the mistakes again is sometimes all that you can do. 
 

However sometimes there is nothing you can do..some people have what I have coined the 'Victim Syndrome'.  If there is anyway for them to play the victim, they will take it and run with it.  I have talked before about how me being suicidal and not on correct medication led to me holding up a chemist.  At no point did I say that what I did was right. I realised and still realise that what I did was wrong and that I was very lucky to get the sentence that I did.  I work to make sure that I do not get back to a place where I feel that desperate again.  I try not to just lay down and admit defeat because I have a little person who is relying on me to keep going. 

Celebrate YOUR SELF this festive season

Today's prompt is: How will you celebrate your self this festive season?
 

Since Devil Spawn came on the scene we have very much done what others have wanted. Gone here, there and everywhere. There hasn't been a year yet where we have just settled in for the day and well to put it simply, bludged. 
 

After last Christmas I told Papa devil that this year we are having our Christmas.  We are sitting at home, doing things at our pace and anyone who wants to join in is more than welcome (except Papa Devils son but that is a whole different story).  I'm really looking forward to it. 
 

I've sat down and written a list of food I want to have on Christmas Day.  All cold stuff, most likely to the horror of Oculus Mundi ;).  You know the old saying, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Well that is precisely what I plan on doing.  Scrumptious Prawns, ham on the bone and more salads that you can pole a stick at.  I may even have a go at a scrumptious dessert. I have been scouring Pinterest for.... research ahem.
 

At this stage I have no idea who will be here other than Papa Devil, Devil Spawn and myself and at the moment I am ok with that.  I will most likely freak out when it gets closer but at the moment my list making is keeping me calm.  I love a good list.
 

Once food is served and done, I intend on doing nothing but veging in the back yard or on the couch and drinking vodka.  Most likely it will be stinking hot so I inted to get Devil Spawn a pool between now and Christmas that we can lounge around in for the duration of the day.
 

Devil Spawn is more into the whole Christmas thing this year, so it will be great to leave biscuits and a beer out for Santa and see the excitement on his face on Christmas morning when he opens all of his presents. 
 

I want to celebrate my self by surrounding myself with the people who I love and love me right back.  Christmas can be such a stressful time and it's nice to have good people around you.
 

What are you doing this festive season?

Emotional Cost of Parenting

 As I have stated in numerous earlier posts, I struggle with the mothering gig.  Especially the emotional side.  Most days feel like a giant mind fuck and I am ready to hide under the blankets and never come out again. 
 

In Part 1 of this Two Part series I covered the physical costs of becoming a parent. Part Two will be all about the emotional responsibilites of becoming a parent.  Something that you never fully appreciate until you become a parent.  You can work in childcare and still not fully comprehend the emotional toll having a small person who you are completely responsible for 100% of the time.
 

One of the things that scared and continues to scare me most is that this little person depends on me for absolutely everything.  There is no handing the child over when you need a sick day.  This little person is your everything and they think you are their entire world.  A baby in simple terms is a completely selfish creature.  They don't care if you are sick, have only had 3 hours sleep or are hungry enough to chew your own arm off, they want your time, love and attention.
 

I think one of the hardest things as a parent is seeing your child sick and there is nothing you can do about it.  It could range from a common cold to a life threatening disease but you will still feel like you are completely helpless.  For me the first cold was the hardest.  Devil Spawn was only a couple of weeks old and he snuffled and tossed and turned in his sleep.  There wasn't much I could do but seeing him being so uncomfortable was heart breaking. 
 

There have been numerous studies performed on the importance of getting enough sleep to encourage good mental health.  Babies...they don't care how many studies you've done, they want up and they want up now.  Overall Devil Spawn has been a pretty good sleeper.  He slept from 8pm until 6am from about 3 months onwards and would have a decent nap during the day.  All that changed at 18 months. He decided to scrap the daytime sleep. Me? I wasn't so ready but finally admitted defeat when I realised that no day sleep meant he was in bed sound asleep by 7pm.  That was up until about 8 months ago. He decided sleep was for the weak. One night surviving on just 3 hours sleep and was up and at 'em the next day like it was nothing.  Mummy on the other hand was ready to kill the first person who crossed her path.  11pm was an early night in these parts.  We muddled through it and just as suddenly as it started, it stopped.  I don't question it and am just loving the return of the 7pm bedtimes.
 

Tying in with the physical costs is the emotional guilt of providing the money for those costs.  Unless you are heartless, than you WILL worry about where the next meal is coming from.  As your child gets older you will also begin to worry about the *wants* that you can't provide.  Now this isn't a given, if you have a career that pays well, or you and your partner both do, then this won't be such a big issue but we all have to start somewhere.  The funny thing about chilren is that they don't always come when you are expecting them.  If we waited until we could afford them, then we would never have kids.
 

I'm linking up with Jess for IBOT :)

I still feel like a child playing dress up

Over the weekend a parody hashtag was created on twitter called #fakemamamia. I personally thought it was hilarious. It bought together many like minded women who weren’t afraid to laugh at a situation and who realised that being a mum wasn’t all sunshine and lollipops and shit.  What was created from this hashtag was Unreal Women. The start of a woman's online mag that was breaking the norm. Until the mainstream got a hold of it.  Sadly it’s over before it even began. All over a typo. Seriously.  Death threats were sent. Seriously.

Where I am going with this is that the following post was a submission I made to be included in the mag. The mag is no longer going ahead but I wanted to help tell it’s story.  To show the damage that can be done.  

I'm 24. I have been living out on my own for the last five years. Yet I am still waiting for someone to come along and tell me they caught me out, that I'm just pretending.  I don't feel like a real grown up.

When I was little I always loved bags. I still do and get a new one every couple of months. If my bank account allowed it I think I would get a new one every month.  One thing I always dreamed about when I was little was that I would have enough 'stuff' for a 'proper' handbag.  You know all the 'grown up' stuff that we see our mums stuff their bag with.  I now have the oversized handbag, complete with all the stuff. I still feel like a child playing dress up.

I always buy organisers when I get the chance. I love stationary and have way too much of it.  The diary is another thing that I saw as a 'grown up' thing.  I couldn't wait to be old enough to fill it with all of the activities I would do. All of the appointments I would be attending. The outings I would be invited to.  I have those things. I still feel like a child playing dress up.

As a female, the go to present is smelly stuff. I have enough lotions and potions to sink a battle ship.  I wear perfume every day. It's another thing that I equate with being a 'grown up'. You have places to be so you need to smell pretty.  'Grown up' things.  I still feel like a child playing dress up.

I always had a large collection of hand me down make up when I was growing up. I would sit in my room trying on different colours.  When I feel like being 'pretty' I put make up on. Sometimes it's for a night out. Other times it's to just do the grocery shopping.  I use foundation, mascara and lipstick. I'm not particularly good at applying it. I still feel like a child playing dress up.

Growing up I would fantasize about making my own home. I would think about all the stuff that I would buy and fill my house with.  I would picture all of the things I would use to decorate and how I could finally be able to display all of the ornaments I had collected.  I have all of that. I have so much stuff. My house is set up into a little home. It's not perfect but it's mine. I still feel like a child playing dress up.

Unlike other little girls, I never dreamed about having kids. They just didn't factor into my future plans.  I now have a 3 year old son.  He depends on me for everything and loves me to death. I teach him things without even realising it, I'm moulding a little human being. I still feel like a child playing dress up.

My whole life feels pretty surreal to me most days. I try not to think too far ahead or I get overwhelmed. I do things my way. Not everyone agrees with it, but I speak my mind.  I might feel like a child playing dress up but I'm an adult who's learning to cope in the big bad world.

Linking up with Essentially Jess for IBOT.

Dissection

I decided to do a bit of dissecting today. What on you ask? The Shopping Centre of course.  Yep it's all hard hitting action around here.
There are many different kinds of inhabitants that frequent The Shopping Centre.  Not all of them are rant worthy, most of them are.
 

The Teenager: This is one of the inhabitants that get on my last nerve frequently.  Sure there are nice ones around....those ones don't hang around shopping centres acting like wankers.  You know the ones, they are loud, obnoxious and always in large groups.  The local Shopping Centre tried to stamp down on these creatures by saying people under the age of 18 couldn't be in groups of more than 4. Yeh it worked for a whole week I think.
 

The Senior Citizen: This inhabitant tends to save all of their shopping adventures to one day. The dreaded Pension Day.  The general consensus is that this day is a Thursday.  Around here it seems to lean more towards a Friday.  The Senior Citizen has two very distinct categories. There is the cute little old lady/man. They fill you with all good stuff and remind you of the Disney industry generated Grandparent figure. Then there is the complete polar opposite.  The nasty, rude little old lady/man.  I understand that we should respect our elders BUT respect should be something that is returned.  You being over the age of 60 doesn't give you the right to push in front of me and my son at the checkout. If you have less things than me, I might have let you go first anyway.  You being rude about it just leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
 

The Bogan Family: This group of inhabitants don't have shoes, clothes are usually ripped and dirty, just like their foul mouth.  Don't get me wrong I drop the F-Bomb like the best of them, but there is a time and a place.  Walking through your local Shopping Centre is not that place.  Also please try to keep your kids in some kind of control.  We all know that Shopping Centres are like drugs for small kids but if you're too busy snogging your latest Baby Daddy, then that shit is not cool.
The 'Whoops is this a Shopping Centre, not a nightclub': There is a whole post dedicated to this right over here
 

The Large Group: When I say large group, I am talking more that 5.  A large group on its own is not annoying.  It's when said large group insists on walking in a straight line across the walkway.  You know, blocking the whole fucking thing! Have you ever tried to navigate a pram or trolley through one of these groups? It's damn impossible.  None of them move, none of them acknowledge that there are OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO SHOP TOO!
 

The Dreamer: Although the name may lead you to think that this person is all arty and swish. No. This person is too busy in their own world to realise that there is actually other people in the Shopping Centre.  You know, people who are trying to get shit done.  They wander around, saying hello to the 500 people they know, usually done in a door way of a store.  Don't even try saying 'excuse me'. It will fall of deaf ears and you'll be forced to look like you are a member of 'The Bogan Family' by cursing them out.
 

The Get In, Get Your Shit and Get Out: This is me. I don't like shopping for the sake of shopping anymore.  All of the above inhabitants have ruined that for me. 

Which inhabitant are you? Are you a little bit of different ones?
 

Linking up with Essentially Jess for IBOT

Random Post

I decided to have a bit of fun and went searching for random post ideas and stumbled across this site.  There was pages, upon pages of post ideas. This one however caught my eye and I decided to give it a go :)
 

Wearing your ear buds place your MP3 player on "Shuffle." As each song comes up, relate what it means to you or what it evokes in you in terms of emotions and/or memories.
 

I Hate Everything About You - Three Days Grace:  This song takes me straight back to my dark bedroom when I was teen. Music blaring in my earphones.  Jogging on the spot for the biscuit that I dared to eat.  In front of a mirror, so I could see everything that I hated.
 

She's So High - Tal Bachman: I love this song. It always makes me sing out loud, even though I can't sing to save myself.  It makes me feel empowered.
 

Bootylicious - Destiny's Child: What woman doesn't need a pick me up when they are feeling shitty. This is one of my songs I play when I'm getting ready to go out when I really don't want to go anywhere.
 

Sugar, We're Goin Down - Fall Out Boy: For years I had a crappy copy of this song and it cut off just as it was getting into the good beat. I used to blast it when I needed something quick and in my face. I've got a decent copy now and it's still one of my favourite songs.
 

What Would You Do - City High: This was on my first compilation cd.  It was the only decent song on that compilation cd. I played the hell out of it. 
 

Feelin' Way Too Damn Good - Nickelback: I love Nickelback. I am not afraid to say it. This isn't one of my favourite songs but it's up there.  It pretty much sums up my life. I hate getting too happy about anything because it will no doubt come crashing down around me as soon as I do.
 

Without Me - Eminem: This song made me fall in love with Eminem. I managed to talk my parents into buying the album. You know because it was full of adult content and I was 14 at the time. They of course bought it without checking what the hell it was about. Win for the 14 year old.
 

Firework - Katy Perry: This song will forever be imprinted in my mind to make my entire body hurt. Why? Because it was one of the tracks in Pump.  Pump that made it hard to even sit on the toilet. You know because you did so many squats that your thighs are on fire just sitting on the couch! Yeh that kind of Pump.
 

True Love - P!nk: This song kind of describes Devil Papa and I perfectly. We know all the right buttons to push. We can fight like animals but we love each other so fiercely. 
 

Numb - Linkin Park: When I was a teen I was always on forums for self harm.  When this song came out, the forums where all a flutter because the film clip included self harm.  Of course the song was disected every which way but loose.  I watched the film clip over and over again.
 

What's your favourite song? Does it have a special meaning to you? Or do you like it just because it makes me you jump around the room?

Epidemic

*The following post may be triggering to those who are struggling with self harm thoughts. Please make sure you are feeling safe before reading.*

If you or someone you know is contemplating hurting themselves please get in contact with a GP, go to your closes ED or give the wonderful people at Lifeline a call.

On 60 minutes on Sunday, they did a story on Self Harm. I will admit that I was apprehensive about it and didn't actually watch it until it was available online. After I knew that other people had watched it.  After I knew whether they had portrayed it in an understanding light.  I just knew that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to deal with it, if it was anything else.
 

I've made no secret of the fact that I have self harmed in the past.  It is something that I deal with on a constant basis. It is something that I will probably deal with for the rest of my life.  Was it easy to stop? No. Not at all.
 

Self harm has been toted as 'attention seeking' among other derogatory things.  Things like that do nothing for the shame and guilt that someone who self harms or has self harmed feels.  The worst comments I have received have actually been from 'professionals'. The pearlers have been when presenting to the local Emergency Departmet with injuries that needed medical attention ranging from 'so', 'you know you're doing it the wrong way' to when presenting with self harm thoughts and not actions 'just come back when you've done it'.  Emergency Departments are the first port of call for mental health patients and really need to be trained in ways to deal with these patients. Psychiatrist Professor Graham Martin talks about it during his interview.
 

"I hear of therapists running away. I hear of people in hospital running away. Nursing staff who can’t face up to somebody who has cut themselves deliberately. Because they’re not important, and they did it to themselves, and they’re just attention seeking. I don’t believe any of that. I think when somebody goes to these lengths, they need help."
 

One of the most common questions asked of someone who self harms I think is "What made you think to pick up something to hurt yourself with".  There is no one moment when you think oh yep this is what I am going to do. It is something done out of desperation, of feeling like there is nothing else that will work.  When I started I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would still be struggling with urges 10 years later.  That 10 years later, whenever things get shit, it is my first port of call.  One of the girls interviewed for the story I think sums it up perfectly.
 

" I don’t remember why I chose self-harm. The chaos and the feelings that were all trapped inside my head got to a point where I needed something."
 

I was quite impressed with the way that the story was portrayed in such a sensitive way.  It didn't poke fun or minimise the behaviour in anyway. I just hope that this story was able to reach a few people, to help them understand.

60 Minutes Story

Kids say the darndest things

One of the joyous and possibly quite scariest thing about having a toddler is they start to learn how to talk and come out with the cutest and most cringe worthy phrases.
 

Devil Spawn already has sarcasm down to an art. I think it's awesome and considering I'm fluent in sarcasm, it was inevitable.  He most used phrase I think is easily 'alright' of course said with a sigh and eye roll.  This is usually after I have told him to pick up his toys for the tenth time in the space of an hour.  I wouldn't have to nag you if you did it the first time kid.
 

I think it's almost a right ofpassage for a toddler to drop the 'f' bomb at some stage.  Usually in public.  Recently while out at my parents Devil Spawn dropped it, and used it in perfect context.  I didn't know whether to hug him or yell at him.  What I did do was burst out laughing and attempt, in between fits of giggles to tell him it was naughty. 
 

At the moment Devil Spawn is convinced that everyone is a man.  We have many arguments about Mummy being a man and not a girl. Usually said with a sarcastic giggle from Devil Spawn.  When used in the safety of The Funny Farm it's pretty safe. When used on a bus not so much. It usually involves me hissing at him that that's a lady not a man and me receiving a dirty look from said lady.
 

Mispronunciation is pretty funny too.  Devil Spawn says dick instead of stick.  When said in the right context it gets a bit old school girl giggle from me.  His other mispronunciation though has the potentional to be a bit more mortifying.  When he says 'can't' it sounds an awful lot like a swear word used to describe the female anatomy.  Oh yes it's so awesome when we are at the local shopping centre and I ask him to to do something and he yells at the top of his voice 'I c*nt'. Oh yeh that.
 

His favourite phrase at the moment is 'begusting' aka 'disgusting'.  I use the term to describe the things up his nose that he refuses to let me remove.  Devil Spawn prefers to use it to describe food that he is served.  I don't mind it so much when its about noodles from the local noodle place (hey more for me) but when he uses it to describe the food I serve up, then shit has just gotten real. 
What are some pearlers that your cherubs have come out with? Do you cringe every time they open their mouth in public?
 

I'm linking up Jess with this week for IBOT. Click on over and read the great offerings the blogosphere has to offer.  Share the comment love and enjoy your day!

Insert witty and slightly sarcastic title here

If you've ever that 'pleasure' of taking public transport than you will sympathise with that meme.  Oh how I had a 'it's funny cos it's true moment' when I first saw it.  If you've never been so lucky as to enjoy a stint on the local public transport then let me take you on a little journey.

You know how all of our lives we've had it drummed into our head that we must wear a seatbelt or you will be fined? Well on a bus aka large human sardine carrier they don't have seatbelts.  Playing corners takes on a whole new level while traveling on a public bus.

I don't know about in other places but here a majority of the bus drivers are always in a bad mood. I mean I would be too if I dealt with the general public all day but come on! If you don't like people then don't do a job where you have to deal with people all day everyday.  Especially when, like me sometimes you are the only person I have had a conversation with that doesn't involve bodily fluids.

Be prepared to feel your life flash before your eyes on a regular basis when people think that they can take on a bus.  It's a 50 something seater aka a big fucker and you are in a ford fiesta...you aren't going to win so don't even try it.

 

Heaven forbid that you don't have the exact change.  I can understand handing over a $50 note for a $2 bus far but come on when it's $3 for a $2.60 fare just take it.  Your death stares aren't wanted nor warranted.

 

There is always one smelly person who could so with 500 baths.  They always sit at the front of the bus or the back of the bus.  This results in their aroma wafting right through the bus every time the doors open.  They always seem oblivious to their smell.

Most importantly, if I have earphones in that is code for 'I don't want to talk to anyone and if you make me take them out to listen to your ramblings I will not be impressed'. If I feel like I chat I will not have earphones in.  If I have earphones in, there is a pretty good chance that I am enjoying sweet, sweet child free time while listening to things other than Playschool and a whining toddler.

 Do you have any public transport stories good, or bad? Please share!

I'm liking up with Diary of SAHM for IBOT this week. So click on over and share some comment loving.