Pressure to Procreate

As a woman, it's always expected that you will want to procreate.  That your one mission in life, eventually is to be a mother.  I remember in high school my friends talking about the names they had picked out for their eventual babies. I didn't feel the same and while I didn't have a life plan, kids didn't really feature in the image I saw of myself. 
 

You would think that once you are 'with child' that they pressure would stop. That society would think, 'ok she's made her contribution, we'll stop hassling her now', but that couldn't be further from the truth.  The minute you have one child, everyone is wondering when you are going to be giving them a brother or sister. Labeling you as 'cruel' if you tell them that your child will be an only child.  In fact one of the cards I received when Devil Spawn was born had the sentiment 'he's gorgeous, can't wait until you have another one'.  I had pushed this baby out a mere week earlier and the pressure had started.
 

Let's talk about what is cruel shall we, about the reality of being pregnant and unmedicated.  Hormones already do strange things to normally rational women. Add to that a Mental Illness that can't be medicated while pregnant and you have a recipe for disaster. I was, for lack of a better term, bat shit crazy while pregnant.  I would go from crying, to screaming in a matter of minutes.  Poor Devil Papa didn't know what to expect or how to handle it.  I could not bring myself to knowingly put Devil Spawn through that. 
 

I use what little motivation I have most days on Devil Spawn. I don't think that I could spread it over 2 or more children.  Am I still being cruel for being happy to stop at one child? It is cruel to realise my weakness and work with what I have? No it's not. I know my limitations and Devil Spawn will always come first.  I know that if it did happen, I would somehow make it work but I would never knowingly try for another child because society has this notion that it's 'cruel' for a child to grow up alone.
 

I say it's cruel to bring a child into an environment that can't cope with it. It's cruel to have a child not because you want one but because it's the norm. It's cruel to bring another child into a family that is already struggling.  It is not cruel to realise that you have reached your limits and that you know you can give everything you have to one child, but will struggle with two. It is not cruel if having one child means that they will have a better life, will get what little their mama can offer them at this time.  A little spread over 2 is even less. I love Devil Spawn more than I thought it was even possible to love another human being and if I had my time again I'd do it all the same.
 

How many children do you have? Do you still feel the pressure to keep popping those bubbas out?
Are you childless by choice and feel the pressure to procreate?

Parenting the Testosterone

It's no secret that having a child changes you in ways that you couldn't even begin to imagine before having a child.  You have these romantic ideas when you are pregnant of how you are going to be as a mother and well rarely does it turn out that way.  Both for the good and the bad.  There are times when I want to pull my hair out but I wouldn't change having Devil Spawn. 
 

Now there is somewhere I was going with all this. I have noticed over the last few weeks how different it is as a mother to be a parent to a boy. Yes a smelly, farting boy.  I wanted to share with you my take on being surrounded by a toddler with testosterone.
 

Be prepared, once they can talk, for the endless questions on why it is that you don't have a penis. Also be prepared for the look of horror when they realise that you don't have one.  The usual response is that they think it's been chopped off and you need to go to the doctor immediately.  This of course is met with hysterical laughter from me.
 

You will see LOTS of penis. Like more than a porn movie. Why? Because boys like to show off.  Many times Devil Spawn has yelled from the toilet...'look at this mummy' because he has found a new trick that he can get his man appendage to perform.  There is also the habit that never goes away, of always checking to make sure it's there. 
 

Fart jokes are always funny. Always. Even when you are in the middle of Coles and he lets one rip louder than a jumbo jet and stinkier than a day old cup of milk...he will think it's funny.  You will generally want to crawl under a rock because there will always be a judgey mcjudger within ear shot that can hear him screaming at the top of his lungs 'MUMMY I FARTED'. Just smile and nod. The more you tell him to shoosh, the louder he'll yell. Every time.
 

  

image credit

The pile of 'house' clothes will always be bigger than the pile of 'good' clothes.  Boys and toddlers in general seem to be big old magnets for dirt.  I think the only time Devil Spawn is completely clean is the 30 secs it takes him to go from the bathroom to his room after a bath. 

This is why we can't have nice things.

Do you have a boy? What are the things you are getting used to about having a son?   

Fairy's don't wear shoes

I love getting dressed up in costume. No I'm not talking about the bedroom you dirty minded people! I'm talking the kind that you can wear out in public.  Although some girls get the two mixed up.  In the town that I grew up in, Halloween parties were an excuse for everyone to go all out. It was great fun to see everyone dressed up.
 

When I was 16, I went as a fairy.  The costume involved a blode wig, floaty pjs, a crown, a wand and a piece of tulle that was masquerading as a tutu.  What it didn't involve was shoes, which, later in the night was to become my undoing.
 

 Early in the night there was a pre party, party. Complete with Jelly Shots that the coppers wife had made*. They were potent and soon became the initiation to the party.  My 'terrible' parents would only let me have one.  It seemed that the blonde wig had 'magically' transformed my logs and one of the party guests, a friend of my parents started hitting on me.  Up until the point where his wife politely reminded him that he was married and I was only 16. The poor bastard was flat out standing, let alone being able to see further than 2 foot in front of him.
 

The town party was in the town hall. I don't think you've really 'lived' in a small town until you have attended a disco or event in the town hall. It's usually got polished wood floors, no aircon, and 1000's of windows. At least the ones when I was growing up were. Not so much now.  It also wouldn't be complete without sneaking out the back (they always have a yard out the back) and drinking smuggled alcohol.  Usually Rum, which I think kind of tasted like arse.  You stay out late and feel bad arse cos you were the last to leave.
 

One thing that I had failed to factor into my costume choice was the walk home. My feet are pansies. I can't walk barefoot on anything other than cement or indoors.  They are so fucking sensitive.  This doesn't bode well for the gravel road that I had to take to get home.  I decided that it would be 'safer' to walk in the gutter, it being cement and all. I was wrong. The cement had corroded away and the metal was sticking out. The metal went straight into my pansy feet and ripped it open. There was blood and it hurt like a mofo. I was still half a block from home, so had to walk on my heel and the cut was on the ball of my foot.  It got worse.
 

I managed to limp home. I was crashing around the house looking for tissues and a bandaid or bandage of some description. This woke my mum, who before that was in a drunker stupor.  I was sitting in the bath, trying to work out what the fuck I was going to do with my foot.  Mum came in and had the brain fart idea that it needed to be washed out with dettol, in case it would get infected.  She insisted she would just dab a couple of drops on. Turned out her version of a couple of drops is half the bottle. It stung like a mofo.  Funnily enough it never did get infected.
 

The plus side to all of this was that I got to go to school in thongs for a week as I couldn't possibly fit my bandaged foot into my joggers. Any excuse really.
 

Have you had any costume party mishaps? Are your feet pansies too?

Are you ready?

Recently a friend asked me when was the right time to have a baby, thinking that I must know because I already have a child.  At the time I offered the stock standard, you are never ready answer.  I have been thinking about it a bit more lately.  There's more to it than that.
 

It's true, you are never ready. There are so many things that all of the baby books and experts in the world couldn't prepare you for. Your baby. It doesn't matter if this is your first baby or your 10th. No baby is the same. Hell, what worked an hour ago might not work now. 
 

You will never have enough money. You will never have the right job. Your partner will never be in the right position. Children are unpredictable. Just when you think you have it all figured out, a curve ball comes from the left field.  You'll make it work though. You have to.
 

You will never have all the answers. No amount of reading, attending information nights or antenatal classes will prepare you for the amazing, humbling experience of bringing a child into the world.  Sure it's better than going in blind, just don't feel you know it all. There is always room to improve, things that your little human beings will teach you.
 

There are so many things that I wasn't prepared for. The loss of sleep. You don't know sleep deprivation until you have a child. There is no taking a day off. They have endless amounts of energy, while you have none. It is amazing the things that you somehow manage to complete while running on about 4 hours of broken sleep. All dignity goes when you have a child. Be prepared to have a running commentary of your life. Guess what, talking about toilet habits in public no longer phases me. I have no qualms walking through Big W and telling Devil Spawn that we need to go because mummy needs to do a wee.
 

Even though you will never be ready 'enough', you make it work. You work with what you have. Sometimes it is not much at all, it's always enough. A child isn't going to remember the things you bought them, the money you spent. They are going to remember the times you smiled, the times you encouraged and loved.  They won't remember you not having all of the answers, they'll remember you making the best with what you have.
 

Do you think there is ever a perfect time to have a child?

Blame Game

The trouble when you have to do a life cull is that you really notice the shitty behaviour of people that you surround yourself with.  It makes you wonder what on earth possessed you to become friends in the first place, to allow these people into the inner sanctum that is your friendship circle.
 

Over the last few months I have been conflicted about an issue. An issue that I have talked at length with friends and family about.  An issue that just won't go away.  An issue that stares me in the face every single day.  That's the trouble with living in a town where everyone seems to know everyone.  This issue looks me in the face every time I look at Devil Spawn and think what could have happened.  How I wish that I had done things differently that night.  Woulda, shoulda, coulda. Something that I am struggling with immensly is that MY son was placed in danger but I am being painted the bad guy.
 

I am protecting my son from influences that I do not want him in contact with but I am being painted as dividing a family.  Devil Spawn is not an adult, he needs to be protected.  Contrary to what others think, he was not able to consent to the situation he was placed in.  The adults in the situation had the choice to go anywhere else and do what they did, instead they chose to do it on my son's bed, while he was asleep.  I don't care how intoxicated they think they were, what they did is wrong.  I am not to blame.
It's amazing when someone does something wrong that their friends take on a mob mentality.  The internet allows this to happen. It's easy to get caught up in the ebb and flow of a situation.  Ease of access to the internet means that it's hard to escape it. It can be in your face constantly.  The trouble with a mob mentality is that there is always one person singled out. I have been witness to this over and over again. It was only when it happened to me that I noticed the effects it can have on someone.  Hindsight can be a bitch. 
 

When we do something wrong, the adult thing is to apologise. To realise what we did wrong and apologise. Unfortunately not everyone thinks this way.  Some people enjoy playing the blame game.  It's something we do as children, but hopefully, by the time we are adults have developed enough morals to apologise when we realise we have done something wrong or we are pulled up on actions that are offensive to others.  The trouble with the blame game is that it doesn't help anyone, especially you.  It doesn't help anyone move on, and more often than not it alienates you from those around you.  Accepting what you did and concentrating on not making the mistakes again is sometimes all that you can do. 
 

However sometimes there is nothing you can do..some people have what I have coined the 'Victim Syndrome'.  If there is anyway for them to play the victim, they will take it and run with it.  I have talked before about how me being suicidal and not on correct medication led to me holding up a chemist.  At no point did I say that what I did was right. I realised and still realise that what I did was wrong and that I was very lucky to get the sentence that I did.  I work to make sure that I do not get back to a place where I feel that desperate again.  I try not to just lay down and admit defeat because I have a little person who is relying on me to keep going. 

Monday Menu Plan

I am a rebel at heart and it seems whenever I decide something that I am going to cook that week/day, my good old brain goes nah I don't want to do that now. Yeh it's heaps of fun.  So to combat that, I just put together 7 meals and have them on whatever day I want.  

Here, in no particular order is my Meal Plan for the week.

Mac and Cheese. I add sausages or sometimes Chicken to this to give it the protein serving. Pasta is always a winner with Devil Spawn.

Bangers and Mash. 

Honey Chicken. Devil Spawn loves these kind of "noonals"and they are super quick and easy to make.  Definitely a winner when cooking.

Spag Bog. I pack this full of veggies and Devil Spawn is none the wiser.  He scoffs it like there is no tomorrow.

Lamb Chops and Veggies

Home Made Chicken Nuggets and Chips. I puree veggies and chicken together to make these.  I also add spices into the bread crumbs and they are divine. I usually make a big batch and freeze the rest, putting them into serving sizes in resealable bags.

Homemade Pizza and Garlic Bread. I make these pizzas using wraps.  I put whatever left over veggies and meat I have left on them.  Devil Spawn loves helping to make the pizzas.

What's on your menu this week?

Emotional Cost of Parenting

 As I have stated in numerous earlier posts, I struggle with the mothering gig.  Especially the emotional side.  Most days feel like a giant mind fuck and I am ready to hide under the blankets and never come out again. 
 

In Part 1 of this Two Part series I covered the physical costs of becoming a parent. Part Two will be all about the emotional responsibilites of becoming a parent.  Something that you never fully appreciate until you become a parent.  You can work in childcare and still not fully comprehend the emotional toll having a small person who you are completely responsible for 100% of the time.
 

One of the things that scared and continues to scare me most is that this little person depends on me for absolutely everything.  There is no handing the child over when you need a sick day.  This little person is your everything and they think you are their entire world.  A baby in simple terms is a completely selfish creature.  They don't care if you are sick, have only had 3 hours sleep or are hungry enough to chew your own arm off, they want your time, love and attention.
 

I think one of the hardest things as a parent is seeing your child sick and there is nothing you can do about it.  It could range from a common cold to a life threatening disease but you will still feel like you are completely helpless.  For me the first cold was the hardest.  Devil Spawn was only a couple of weeks old and he snuffled and tossed and turned in his sleep.  There wasn't much I could do but seeing him being so uncomfortable was heart breaking. 
 

There have been numerous studies performed on the importance of getting enough sleep to encourage good mental health.  Babies...they don't care how many studies you've done, they want up and they want up now.  Overall Devil Spawn has been a pretty good sleeper.  He slept from 8pm until 6am from about 3 months onwards and would have a decent nap during the day.  All that changed at 18 months. He decided to scrap the daytime sleep. Me? I wasn't so ready but finally admitted defeat when I realised that no day sleep meant he was in bed sound asleep by 7pm.  That was up until about 8 months ago. He decided sleep was for the weak. One night surviving on just 3 hours sleep and was up and at 'em the next day like it was nothing.  Mummy on the other hand was ready to kill the first person who crossed her path.  11pm was an early night in these parts.  We muddled through it and just as suddenly as it started, it stopped.  I don't question it and am just loving the return of the 7pm bedtimes.
 

Tying in with the physical costs is the emotional guilt of providing the money for those costs.  Unless you are heartless, than you WILL worry about where the next meal is coming from.  As your child gets older you will also begin to worry about the *wants* that you can't provide.  Now this isn't a given, if you have a career that pays well, or you and your partner both do, then this won't be such a big issue but we all have to start somewhere.  The funny thing about chilren is that they don't always come when you are expecting them.  If we waited until we could afford them, then we would never have kids.
 

I'm linking up with Jess for IBOT :)

The cost of being a parent

I've made no secret that I stuggle with this whole mother hood thing. I've even been know to say that it is butt fuck hard.  What I talk about however is the emotinal side.  The physical, providing side is pretty damn hard too.  From the moment you find out you're pregnant you are bombarded with the costs of being a parent.
The National Centre for Social and Economic Modelling did a study and put the costs into a lump sum figure.
In fact, the report shows, the total cost in today’s dollars is
$448,000 for the average family to raise two children from birth
to age 20. For the average couple with two children today, those
children cost around $310 a week, or 23 per cent of average gross
household income of $1,324 a week.
This figure takes into account most of the costs involved in
parenting, including housing, transport, recreation, food, clothing
and education.
Now I don't know about you but my income isn't 1,324 a week. In fact it's much less.  This means that I have to be crafty in getting it to stretch. We don't always get the things that I *want* but we rarely go without the things we *need*.  Many people will say that all children need is love but that is a great big bunch of hooey.  Children need food, water and shelter, all things that are easily accessible in the Western World.
Let's break this down a little bit. What are the individual costs you'll most likely see in raising a child. I have a 3 yo so can only vouch for the first 3 years personally but here it is.
 

Cot - $100+
If you can find a decent second hand one you can really save a lot of money.  Or you could go down the co sleeping route...which I found I needed and craved my space once Devil Spawn started sleeping through.
 

Pram - $100+
This isn't necessary but if, like me you don't have a car then it is very much needed. The baby trolleys are usually few and far between at the supermarket and unless you have a sling which can be costly then you are going to need a pram.
 

Nappies - Av $20 per week.
Whether you go disposable or cloth, they are going to be costs involved.  The start up costs of cloth nappies can be in the $100's however they save you money in the long run.  Disposable nappies are a bottomless pit of cost.  It's also a case of trial and error of finding the ones that don't give your baby a rash, don't leak and don't need a loan taken out to buy them.
 

Feeding - Av $50 per week
In the first few months this all depends on whether you breastfeed or bottlefeed.  Breastfeeding is completely free.  Bottlefeeding involves formula which ranges from $16-$30 a tin. When Devil Spawn was a baby a tin would last about 10 days.  Don't forget all the bottles. You can get inexpensive ones for $10 for a 3 pack, but the trouble with bottles is that you have to keep replacing them.  Your baby outgrows the teat flow, the numbers wear off, making preparation innacurate.
 

Once you move into solids there starts to become a steady increase as you buy foods that bub can eat as well, until they are eating normal food and your grocery bill has increased by about $50 a week. 
 

Clothing - Never ending
In the first 12 months, babies generally grow and grow.  You feel like you are constantly packing clothes away and getting new ones out.  If you can get hand me downs, then this is great.  If you can't then it can be an expensive venture.  The average cost of jumpsuits is $10. Unless you plan on washing every single day then you are going to need 3 or 4 at least. Thats $40 right there.  The funny thing about kids is that they keep growing and wearing out their clothes, so you need to rinse and repeat that process every couple of weeks.
 

Toys - Never ending
Toys aren't a must but they sure as hell make this parenting gig a ton easier.  Devil Spawn is spoilt for toys.  His room is choc-a-bloc with everything a boy could want.  I don't like to spend more than $40 for a toy.  The average cost is around $20.  I try to buy good quality stuff because I would much rather it last than break after the first use. 
 

Lotions, Potions and all the stuff for the Bums - Average $20 per week
The stuff you need during a nappy change can rival a make up artists arsenal.  There is wipes, nappy rash cream, body wash, moisturiser, talc powder and heaps of other stuff that I can't think of right now.
 

Misc - Average $200 per week
This is everything else but not including the shelter.  This is the electricity and phone.  If you have a car then you have to factor in upkeep costs and money to put fuel in it.  Fridge break down? Yep you'll be paying to fix that too. Washing machine die? Until you can afford to fix it or buy a new one then you will be making the trek to the laundromat.
 

This is part one of a two part post about the responsibilities of raising a child.  This is the very average break down of the costs. There are lots more things that I haven't taken into consideration including daycare, school, and entertainment costs. 
 

Part two will delve a bit deeper into the emotional responsibilities of being a parent.  The things that you provide to make your child feel safe, to set a good example.

Up to my ears in shit and piss

Welcome again to the weekly fuck you that is FFS Friday.  I really love writing this post because it gives me an excuse to be a great big whinger.  Oh and I can't forge that it also gives me the chance to laugh at others expense!
 

I decided to be all resourceful and do a meal plan. You know to save money and shit.  Every time I decide to do that, I then decide that cooking is for losers and don't feel like making all of the things that I have meal planned.  I'm sure it's my inner rebel trying to make a last ditch fight for freedom.  All I know is that I still have a fridge full of food that I mostly haven't used. FFS
 

This week we started Toilet Training with Devil Spawn.  The first couple of days were good and I was feeling positive.  Devil Spawn obviously cottoned on that this shit was for keeps and decided on Sunday that he just didn't want to do it anymore.  I asked him to go to the toilet and his response was 'I did, the floor is toilet'.  Cue me telling him no he was a big boy and he needed to do his wee in the toilet.  His response: 'I not a big boy, I a dinosaur grrr'. Sorry buddy but even Dinosaurs have to use the bathroom in this house FFS
 

Devil Spawn goes to Daycare on Monday and Tuesdays so I can go sleep and lunch with the ladies.  Monday I took him in his little jocks (seriously how damn cute are little jocks) and let the girls know that he was toilet training.  I was pretty apprehensive after our dinosour episode the day before but I figured they were trained and shit so should be able to handle it.  I got there in the afternoon and he had no accidents! No FFS
 

Tuesday however was a different story.  I got to daycare and he'd had two accidents (not too bad for a guy just getting the gist of this toilet business) and they had put a nappy on him.  He still had a bag full of jocks and shorts so I have no idea why he was in a nappy. It kind of defeats the purpose of him learning and they were adamant they would be happy to have him toilet train. A little consistency would be nice FFS
 

Devil Spawn now has new ammo to add to his reportoire of sleep dodging techniques.  Coming out and telling me he needs to do a wee wee.  I can't very well tell him to just do it in his nappy because well that defeats the purpose and the crafty little bugger knows it.  So off with the pyjamas and nappy and sitting on the toilet while he fucks around wasting precious time that I could be spending on Facebook and eating things I've been hiding from him all day so I don't have to share FFS.
 

The first 3 days of toilet training were spent with me telling Dyllan that his penis going in the toilet not pointing up.  So he would then ask me what I meant complete with actions.  This would then result in piss going everywhere and Devil Spawn acting like a giggling school girl FFS
 

Tuesday night I got all excited when Devil Spawn did a number 2 on the toilet.  I got all excited right up to the point when I walked into the bathroom.  Devil Spawn had decided to get all resourceful and wipe his own arse. With my towel FFS
 

That's my week of whinging in a nutshell.  What's pissed you off this week? Let me know in the comments. For some comedic relief head over to Dear Baby G to read everyone's additions to FFS Friday.

Kids say the darndest things

One of the joyous and possibly quite scariest thing about having a toddler is they start to learn how to talk and come out with the cutest and most cringe worthy phrases.
 

Devil Spawn already has sarcasm down to an art. I think it's awesome and considering I'm fluent in sarcasm, it was inevitable.  He most used phrase I think is easily 'alright' of course said with a sigh and eye roll.  This is usually after I have told him to pick up his toys for the tenth time in the space of an hour.  I wouldn't have to nag you if you did it the first time kid.
 

I think it's almost a right ofpassage for a toddler to drop the 'f' bomb at some stage.  Usually in public.  Recently while out at my parents Devil Spawn dropped it, and used it in perfect context.  I didn't know whether to hug him or yell at him.  What I did do was burst out laughing and attempt, in between fits of giggles to tell him it was naughty. 
 

At the moment Devil Spawn is convinced that everyone is a man.  We have many arguments about Mummy being a man and not a girl. Usually said with a sarcastic giggle from Devil Spawn.  When used in the safety of The Funny Farm it's pretty safe. When used on a bus not so much. It usually involves me hissing at him that that's a lady not a man and me receiving a dirty look from said lady.
 

Mispronunciation is pretty funny too.  Devil Spawn says dick instead of stick.  When said in the right context it gets a bit old school girl giggle from me.  His other mispronunciation though has the potentional to be a bit more mortifying.  When he says 'can't' it sounds an awful lot like a swear word used to describe the female anatomy.  Oh yes it's so awesome when we are at the local shopping centre and I ask him to to do something and he yells at the top of his voice 'I c*nt'. Oh yeh that.
 

His favourite phrase at the moment is 'begusting' aka 'disgusting'.  I use the term to describe the things up his nose that he refuses to let me remove.  Devil Spawn prefers to use it to describe food that he is served.  I don't mind it so much when its about noodles from the local noodle place (hey more for me) but when he uses it to describe the food I serve up, then shit has just gotten real. 
What are some pearlers that your cherubs have come out with? Do you cringe every time they open their mouth in public?
 

I'm linking up Jess with this week for IBOT. Click on over and read the great offerings the blogosphere has to offer.  Share the comment love and enjoy your day!

Mind your words

The mind is a crazy, mixed up thing.  Well mine is anyway.  I have a tendancy to remember all the shit stuff and have a hard time remembering all the good stuff.  I'm reminate on stuff constantly.  In laymans terms I am Stewy Mcstew.  I find it really  hard to let stuff go and negative words have a way of drilling down into the depths of my psyche and taking up residence.  It's something that I really need to work on. 

 An article on Psychology Today says:

The environment that children are raised in molds not only their mind, but also their brain. This is something many long suspected, but now we have scientific instruments that show us how dramatically childhood experience alters the physical structure of the brain, and how sensitive we are as children to these environmental effects. Words--verbal harassment--from peers (and, as a previous study from these researchers showed, verbal abuse from a child's parents) can cause far more than emotional harm.
 

My biggest struggle and thing that plays on my mind constantly is my weight.  Something that my mother would constantly comment on. As well as the volume of food I was consuming while a child.  I wasn't a massively overweight child but yet every hairbrained diet that my mother went on, I was put on as well.  From about the age of 8.  At least that is as young as I can remember.  My mother is overweight and has always always been overweight.  Yet if we were to say anything about her weight, it was the end of the world. It still is.
 

Through my teen years I really struggled with the whole putting food in my mouth and not feeling guilty about it.  To the point where I started starving myself.  My mother was oblivious. Acting dumb whenever my Dr or Psychiatrist mentioned that I hadn't been eating.  From the age of 14 until 18 I only ate one meal a day.  I rarely if ever ate at school.  In Grade 12 I lose 25kgs in 3 months and she didn't think there was anything wrong with that. Even commenting when seeing me eat that I 'better be careful or you'll put all that weight back on'.  To this day I still tell myself that I 'deserve' to eat when getting something out the fridge. There is always an internal dialogue going on when it comes to food.
 

One would think that someone would learn from their experiences with their first child. No, not my mother.  I have just come back from two weeks staying with my parents and my 13yo brother.  My brother got all the good genes and is a bean pole.  By no stretch of the imagination is he overweight.  He is taller than me and so at his weight is well within his healthy weight range.  He's a grazer, I don't think I have ever seen him eat a big meal in my life.  While he was rifling through the fridge one day mum says to him 'Stop eating, you're going to get fat'.  My brother is a lot like me at that age.  He takes things in and stews on them.  What was his response to mums words? He went for a 2 hour walk.  Mum thought this was hilarious saying that he takes things so literally. 
 

Children's minds are so delicate.  Please be careful what you say.  You never know how deep they are burying the harsh words you use.   

Death by sleep deprivation

DS has been sleeping like an absolute shit head for the last seems like forever few months.  Most nights I wonder if he is trying to kill me by sleep deprivation.

Some places have been known to use sleep deprivation as a method of torture.  Mothers everywhere endure it all the time. We're told to take a cup of cement and suck it up.  We have to go about our day pretending that we are functioning human beings.  

Before DS I couldn't sleep for 5 days.  5 days of utter hell. 5 days of sandpaper eyes.  5 days of snapping psyche. 5 days of writing.  The only relief was a dr who finally believed me when I said I wasn't a drug chaser, I was just tired and couldn't sleep.  It had taken me 3 nights of sitting at ED, only to be told you are a drug addict, go away, to get to that point. I was delirious and probably looked like I was high as a kite.  

I can sometimes find myself returning to that state when we are surviving on 6 hours of broken sleep.  My psyche seems so much more fragile now.  The smallest thing makes me snap.  I can feel myself spiralling. I can feel myself wanting to run away.

DP told me on the weekend that I just need to calm the fuck down.  He doesn't have a clue what the shit I put up with on a regular basis is. He sees a snap shot.  His idea of 'helping' is playing with Dyllan while I do every-fucking-thing else.  I can't even have a shower on my own, ever.  DP complains that I don't let him go to the toilet by himself while we are at his place.  After I death stare him into the ground I utter 4 simple words. Welcome. To. My. World.

We are seeing a child health nurse who I am hoping will help us with the sleep dodging.  I'm willing to try anything at this stage.  Absolutely anything.

 

A day in the life

So today I decided to do a photo post of a day in the life of us. Hour by Hour.  It was heaps of fun and Devil Spawn loved posing for pics.

So we begin.

 Our day wonderfully started at 945am. DS slept with me.  I felt like I was sharing a bed with a mack truck...with octopus like tendencies.

10:30

 Being a responsible mother and preparing a lunch to take with us.  We are off on a bus ride to the beach and to see Devil Papa.

 At the bus stop and have all the essentials packed.  Obviously that includes a couple of monster trucks.

11:30

 We're on the road and off to the beach. Finally!

 Got a spare mil laying around? You too could own one of these.  It's just a pity that you have to live close to Bogan Town too.

 Watching the world go by.

 12:30

 Off the bus and picking up a few things at the shop before going to DP's work.

 I'm really thinking that it's time to whip out the old backpack harness again.  He's so fucking fast and I have no hope of catching him.  I also don't want to get knocked out when my ample bosom start bouncing around.

 1:30

 On the home stretch now. Nearly there. By this stage I'm ready to chop off my arms they hurt so much.

 DS spotted some cool mowers on our walk to DP work.

 DS is checking out the merchandise.  After this he tried brushing his hair with a wire brush. Oh yes he's a special one.

 Hiding.

 You can't see me mum.  I laughed so hard when I looked to see where he was hiding.

2:30

 DS always loves playing in DP work 'truck'.

 DP gets lollies with some of his deliveries so DS makes sure to raid them every time.

 Sword fights with a feather duster!

 Who knew there could be this many different kinds of screws.

 DP pulled out a blower for DS. He loved it. Especially as I had a flowy top on and he got to chase me with it.

  20 secs before this I was kneeling down and he blew me in the face.  He thought it was hilarious.

3:30

Waiting in the car for DP to finish and lock up.

 

4:30

Home again.  Slothing on the couch until it's time to cook dinner.

5:30

 Feeding time at the farm!

7:30

DS is in bed so it's time for some indulgence of Big Brother and a Violet Crumble.

Phew that took a hell of a lot longer than I anticipated but I had heaps of fun taking the pics.  Unfortunately even though I had my Big Brother and Violet Crumble fix at 730, DS is still awake and I'm dying in the arse fast.  
Here's to hoping he get's that feeling soon too!