Random Post

I decided to have a bit of fun and went searching for random post ideas and stumbled across this site.  There was pages, upon pages of post ideas. This one however caught my eye and I decided to give it a go :)
 

Wearing your ear buds place your MP3 player on "Shuffle." As each song comes up, relate what it means to you or what it evokes in you in terms of emotions and/or memories.
 

I Hate Everything About You - Three Days Grace:  This song takes me straight back to my dark bedroom when I was teen. Music blaring in my earphones.  Jogging on the spot for the biscuit that I dared to eat.  In front of a mirror, so I could see everything that I hated.
 

She's So High - Tal Bachman: I love this song. It always makes me sing out loud, even though I can't sing to save myself.  It makes me feel empowered.
 

Bootylicious - Destiny's Child: What woman doesn't need a pick me up when they are feeling shitty. This is one of my songs I play when I'm getting ready to go out when I really don't want to go anywhere.
 

Sugar, We're Goin Down - Fall Out Boy: For years I had a crappy copy of this song and it cut off just as it was getting into the good beat. I used to blast it when I needed something quick and in my face. I've got a decent copy now and it's still one of my favourite songs.
 

What Would You Do - City High: This was on my first compilation cd.  It was the only decent song on that compilation cd. I played the hell out of it. 
 

Feelin' Way Too Damn Good - Nickelback: I love Nickelback. I am not afraid to say it. This isn't one of my favourite songs but it's up there.  It pretty much sums up my life. I hate getting too happy about anything because it will no doubt come crashing down around me as soon as I do.
 

Without Me - Eminem: This song made me fall in love with Eminem. I managed to talk my parents into buying the album. You know because it was full of adult content and I was 14 at the time. They of course bought it without checking what the hell it was about. Win for the 14 year old.
 

Firework - Katy Perry: This song will forever be imprinted in my mind to make my entire body hurt. Why? Because it was one of the tracks in Pump.  Pump that made it hard to even sit on the toilet. You know because you did so many squats that your thighs are on fire just sitting on the couch! Yeh that kind of Pump.
 

True Love - P!nk: This song kind of describes Devil Papa and I perfectly. We know all the right buttons to push. We can fight like animals but we love each other so fiercely. 
 

Numb - Linkin Park: When I was a teen I was always on forums for self harm.  When this song came out, the forums where all a flutter because the film clip included self harm.  Of course the song was disected every which way but loose.  I watched the film clip over and over again.
 

What's your favourite song? Does it have a special meaning to you? Or do you like it just because it makes me you jump around the room?

Mind your words

The mind is a crazy, mixed up thing.  Well mine is anyway.  I have a tendancy to remember all the shit stuff and have a hard time remembering all the good stuff.  I'm reminate on stuff constantly.  In laymans terms I am Stewy Mcstew.  I find it really  hard to let stuff go and negative words have a way of drilling down into the depths of my psyche and taking up residence.  It's something that I really need to work on. 

 An article on Psychology Today says:

The environment that children are raised in molds not only their mind, but also their brain. This is something many long suspected, but now we have scientific instruments that show us how dramatically childhood experience alters the physical structure of the brain, and how sensitive we are as children to these environmental effects. Words--verbal harassment--from peers (and, as a previous study from these researchers showed, verbal abuse from a child's parents) can cause far more than emotional harm.
 

My biggest struggle and thing that plays on my mind constantly is my weight.  Something that my mother would constantly comment on. As well as the volume of food I was consuming while a child.  I wasn't a massively overweight child but yet every hairbrained diet that my mother went on, I was put on as well.  From about the age of 8.  At least that is as young as I can remember.  My mother is overweight and has always always been overweight.  Yet if we were to say anything about her weight, it was the end of the world. It still is.
 

Through my teen years I really struggled with the whole putting food in my mouth and not feeling guilty about it.  To the point where I started starving myself.  My mother was oblivious. Acting dumb whenever my Dr or Psychiatrist mentioned that I hadn't been eating.  From the age of 14 until 18 I only ate one meal a day.  I rarely if ever ate at school.  In Grade 12 I lose 25kgs in 3 months and she didn't think there was anything wrong with that. Even commenting when seeing me eat that I 'better be careful or you'll put all that weight back on'.  To this day I still tell myself that I 'deserve' to eat when getting something out the fridge. There is always an internal dialogue going on when it comes to food.
 

One would think that someone would learn from their experiences with their first child. No, not my mother.  I have just come back from two weeks staying with my parents and my 13yo brother.  My brother got all the good genes and is a bean pole.  By no stretch of the imagination is he overweight.  He is taller than me and so at his weight is well within his healthy weight range.  He's a grazer, I don't think I have ever seen him eat a big meal in my life.  While he was rifling through the fridge one day mum says to him 'Stop eating, you're going to get fat'.  My brother is a lot like me at that age.  He takes things in and stews on them.  What was his response to mums words? He went for a 2 hour walk.  Mum thought this was hilarious saying that he takes things so literally. 
 

Children's minds are so delicate.  Please be careful what you say.  You never know how deep they are burying the harsh words you use.   

Crisis Schmisis

Last night I realised the positive power of social media and once again the short falls of my local after hours crisis centre.  I am both amazed and appalled that women who I have never met IRL helped more than trained 'professionals'.

Things came to a head like a great big pussy pimple and I needed help stat!  I had been texting my best friend back and forth most of the day.  I had been waiting a week for my case manager to call me back, I missed her call.  I spent the rest of the day building up the confidence to call back and working out what to say.  I finally called her back and she told the receptionist that she would call me back...she didn't...again.

I have very, very, very little faith in my local crisis team and inpatient unit.  So the fact that I relented and called them, I think shows the frame of mind that I was in, and the distress that I was feeling.  

As soon as a voice answered on the other end I blurted out "I want to cut myself".  He asked if I had spoken to anyone else about this and I said that I had been waiting for my case manager to call me back but she hadn't.  What did he surmise from this? That the solution to my crisis was to send my case manager an email and problem fixed.  I started crying and asked what I was supposed to do in the mean time? His answer? I sent your case manager an email, problem solved.  I called him a wanker and hung up.

He called back...I won't bore you with the details but the conversation pretty much followed the same line as the first one...my problem was already solved.  I told him I wasn't coping with my child and the care of him and he told me that everyone goes through that and to suck it up, go watch a movie and it will blow over. I. Am. Not. Kidding.

The scary thing about this experience? It's not a one off, they weren't just having a bad night.  I can count on one finger the amount of times that they  have been helpful.  They are the first port of call before being hospitalised.  If you present at the ED, you have to pass these gate keepers.  Depending on the time that you present...you might not even see a doctor before being sent on your merry way.  Regardless of your state you can be sent on your way without seeing a doctor.

I have been dragged to the ED by police and still they said that the Dr didn't want to leave the comfort of his bed and send me on my way.  Even the police were appalled.  

The first time I had contact with them my parents had driven 8 hours for the 'privilege' only to be told 'she's not old enough to be in our unit' even though at the time I was 18 and a half.  Our referring GP was told that I was guaranteed a bed and that I needed to be hospitalised.  It took my mum 'making a scene' for them to admit me.  Even though I had just gone through surgery to fix something I had done to myself, I wasn't considered 'sick enough'.

I am really appalled that as a developed country we still have this fight to have mental illness treated and to be treated with respect.  Most of the time we don't have the energy to jump through the hoops they set for us and self harm, criminal activity, drinking, taking drugs is just 'easier' than having to deal with the crap these 'professionals' deal us.

Decided to link up with Dear Baby G's For Fuck Sake Friday.  Pop over and show some comment love or link up with a post if you have something that has been driving you up the wall this week.

Approaching the Unapproachable

Off Tuesday's post, how do you approach the subject of mental illness?  How do you ask someone if everything is alright without offending?  The answer: I have no idea....only you do.

I guess I should elaborate on that statement.  The truth is, everyone is different, what may offend me may be no worries to Joe Blow down the road.  Only you know the person you are talking to.  You know the best way to approach the unapproachable.  All I can give insight into is what I've found helpful and not so helpful.

One thing that will really make me shut down is having a stranger straight out ask me what happened to my arms, then not accept my answer of "I'd rather not talk about it".  While I'm passionate about awareness, there is a time and a place......the checkout at Big W is not such a place.  I'm also guarded about it don't always want to talk about it with every tom, dick and harry.  

If you ask the question, be prepared to listen.  How are you is the most misused question in the entire world.  Unless I know the person, I refuse to answer the question.  How many times have you asked someone how they are but not waited to hear the answer or really taken notice of how they answer the question.  Major Man knows that even when I say I'm good, that that's not always the real answer. Why? Because he listens to the non verbal cues, which are the most important.

Never, ever undermine the way someone feels.  It's not a simple case of 'getting over it' or 'trying harder'.  You might not understand what the person is going through but that doesn't make what they are feeling any less.