Obsession

I've talked before about my struggles with food. Food and I have never had a good relationship.  I could list reason after reason, point to some obscure moment in my childhood where it all started but that's not what this is about. No, this is about obsession and the hold it takes over you.
 

I can't really pinpoint the moment when it turned from flirting to obsession. It was so subtle I hardly noticed the change.  Eating 'normally' was never something that I did. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I swing between eating nothing and eating all of the food in sight.  Which is probably why my weight yo-yos so much.  Disordered eating is that one step up, it's when it turns to obsession.
 

I hadn't regularly eaten lunch at school since I was 14, the year I turned 17 however it got 'serious'.  It started off as a 'health kick'.  Adding exercise to my routine. Then it wasn't enough. The food got less, the exercise got more. The weight started to drop off. School work suffered. I honestly have no idea how I managed to graduate.
An obsession consumes you. There is no room for anything else. 

You are exhausted all of the time, you pull away from friends.  I became my obsession. Every waking minute was filled with thoughts about much had I eaten, how much exercise I was going to do, when the next time I was going to eat.  Even though I had ridiculously reduced my calorie intake, my thoughts were still obsessed with food. I would allow myself one thing to eat a day. I would spend hours thinking about what that one piece of food could be.
 

I rarely slept. If I ate too much I needed to punish myself.  Too much could be an apple. I knew the calorie value of a food by just looking at it. My math skills greatly improved, pity I didn't use them for my schooling. I might have done much better.  Anything above 6 hours sleep during the week and I was doing well. No wonder I was a bundle of nerves.  Going off at the slightest thing.  My body was starving of all the essentials it needed and all I saw was things to make me push harder. 
 

It seemed to end as soon as it started. Sneaking away like a thief in the night. 

Linking up with #IBOT

Mindless

So last week I started 'another' weight loss challenge.  The eating effort in the first week was dismal.  I ate take aways most of the time.  A week long gastro bug was my only saviour so I lost 2kg. Gastro bug has gone now, so I really have no excuse.  

It's really become apparent that there seems to be no communication between my hand and my brain.  It seems I am binging. Eating until almost bursting point.  Eating until I can feel my stomach hurt.  Then having a few more mouthfuls, just to be sure.  

I have put on 40kg in the last 12 months.  30 of them being in the last 6 months.  Nothing fits and I am getting closer to having to only shop in specialist shops.  I haven't been this heavy since I was pregnant.  

I have started a food diary to try and keep myself accountable.  I think that I need to stop buying processes stuff.  Both for Dyllan and I.  The trouble with it, is that it requires no preparation so its 'no drama' to eat an entire packet. There is no effort involved.  If I have to make all my food, then I will be less inclined to eat more than I have to.  

This has to stop. I am sick of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I am sick of none of my clothes fitting.  I am sick of having no energy.  I need to change this.

This sounds familar

Here we are again.  I'm trying really hard to not make this into a  'resolution' thing because I am doing this for longer than that.  Christmas binging hit hard and 4kg found it's way back to me.  The realisation came when I put on my 'fat' pants and they were tight.

TIME TO DO SOMETHING SISTER.

I'm doing one of those controversial 'shake diets' and not really telling anyone in my 'weightloss circle' about it.  I spoke of an interest to do it a few months ago and was met with 'it won't last', 'you can't keep the weight off' blah blah blah.  My answer: I'm doing what works for my situation and at the moment, having meal replacement shakes is it.

I'm a pretty lazy person (ha! there's the understatement of the year) and that usually leads me to either not eat because I couldn't be bothered making anything or eat crappy zap in the microwave foods.  At least with a shake, it's easy AND will help with weight loss.  

So starting tomorrow I'm going to weigh in, measure up and start again.  I will try not to have an negative emotions towards the number that is going to be on that scale...instead think of the steps I am taking to reduce that number.

Next week I restart at the gym and getting back into my routine again.  Holidays are over and it's time to get real.

Wish me luck!

AHHHHHHH

I'm stressed...when I stress I revert back to old habits.  Habits I thought I had kicked.  Habits I am not proud of.  Habits I don't speak of....until now

When I started this blog I wanted to be open and honest in creating a snap shot into my life...even if that is always sunshine, lollipops and all that other fucking shit.

My first port of call in the stress express is retreatment...retreating into myself and having no motivation or energy to do the everyday tasks.  

Second stop is 'negative coping mechanisms' a lovely term for 'shit you really shouldn't do'.  Since having Mini Man cutting hasn't made an appearance on the stress express but other mechanisms have.  Hello getting plastered aka social norm coping mechanism.  Then there is not so social norm coping mechanism.  Binging and Purging.

Since starting this challenge I have really struggled to keep myself in check.  After downing multiple laxatives for weeks on end, going cold turkey was fucking hard.  The urge to binge has been ever present and today I gave in....gave in bad.  It's a good thing I have no laxatives in the house.  

I'm trying desperately to keep myself in check and not let my emotions get the better of me.  I'm sucking it princess....