Growth Spurt

Devil Spawn seems to be on a never ending growth spurt the last 12 months! 

 Devil Spawn in my brothers preschool uniform

 His shoe next to mine. These ones are actually too small now!

 Last years long sleeved shirt!

 Random cute pic with my Aunties dog.

Linking up with My Little Drummer Boys for Wordless Wednesday.

Parenting the Testosterone

It's no secret that having a child changes you in ways that you couldn't even begin to imagine before having a child.  You have these romantic ideas when you are pregnant of how you are going to be as a mother and well rarely does it turn out that way.  Both for the good and the bad.  There are times when I want to pull my hair out but I wouldn't change having Devil Spawn. 
 

Now there is somewhere I was going with all this. I have noticed over the last few weeks how different it is as a mother to be a parent to a boy. Yes a smelly, farting boy.  I wanted to share with you my take on being surrounded by a toddler with testosterone.
 

Be prepared, once they can talk, for the endless questions on why it is that you don't have a penis. Also be prepared for the look of horror when they realise that you don't have one.  The usual response is that they think it's been chopped off and you need to go to the doctor immediately.  This of course is met with hysterical laughter from me.
 

You will see LOTS of penis. Like more than a porn movie. Why? Because boys like to show off.  Many times Devil Spawn has yelled from the toilet...'look at this mummy' because he has found a new trick that he can get his man appendage to perform.  There is also the habit that never goes away, of always checking to make sure it's there. 
 

Fart jokes are always funny. Always. Even when you are in the middle of Coles and he lets one rip louder than a jumbo jet and stinkier than a day old cup of milk...he will think it's funny.  You will generally want to crawl under a rock because there will always be a judgey mcjudger within ear shot that can hear him screaming at the top of his lungs 'MUMMY I FARTED'. Just smile and nod. The more you tell him to shoosh, the louder he'll yell. Every time.
 

  

image credit

The pile of 'house' clothes will always be bigger than the pile of 'good' clothes.  Boys and toddlers in general seem to be big old magnets for dirt.  I think the only time Devil Spawn is completely clean is the 30 secs it takes him to go from the bathroom to his room after a bath. 

This is why we can't have nice things.

Do you have a boy? What are the things you are getting used to about having a son?   

Holidaying close to home

 We went on an impromptu mini holiday with my mum and dad. It was only 40km away but it was nice to have a change of scenery.

 He's grown just a little bit since the last time we were there.

Linking up with My Little Drummer Boys for Wordless Wednesday. 

Christmas at Hicksville

It's been a long time (2007 maybe) since we have had a giant family Christmas. A falling out between mum and her brother, and growing cousins moving away means that it's harder to get everyone together.  This year though, it was decided that differences would be put aside and a family Christmas would be attempted. It had the potential to being a giant fight fest, or a raging success. Thankfully it was the latter!
 

After wanting to just stay home this Christmas, we changed our plans and traveled 600kms to spend it with my family.  I am so glad that Devil Spawn is a good traveler, it certainly makes the trip a lot more smooth.  Although in his boredom he did come out with some doozies...including exclaiming that we needed to be quiet and listen as his toes were screaming. 

 Our accommodation was a little on the rough side.  The owners had put something in the bins, and the rotten smell wafted over to our cabin and infested the toilet that we had to use.  It was hard to sit on the toilet and hold your breath but it was a skill I had just about perfected by the end of our stay.  Boxing day saw us witness a good old fashioned outback storm. That is lots of noise, wind and not much else.  The wind knocked over a tree that came scarily close to our car.

   Christmas Eve was started with our once upon a time every year tradition. Dinner at my aunt and uncles pub.  The only difference being this year I could indulge in the vodka too! It seemed like a good idea at the time...until we realised that we would have to walk back to the caravan park, with a very tired Devil Spawn in tow.  The upside to it all meant that our Christmas Day didn't start until 930am, when he woke up!
 

When my Mum's family gets together there is always the potential for a water fight, a food fight or both.  This Christmas was no exception.  Thankfully there wasn't much dip in sight so there was no food fights.  Have you ever had french onion dip smeared across your face and up your nose? The smell seems to linger for days on end.  Especially if you get a chunky bit of onion stuck right up your nostril and you can't get it out!

  So because there was no dips, that means only one thing...there was a water fight.  There is no wearing your sunday best to our Christmas and it's best if you put your smart phones away. I lost my phone in 2002 after being picked up and thrown in the wading pool.  This year, by some strange turn of events, all of us had bough my uncles kids water guns.  So there was about 8 water guns in use.  Add to that the 3 packets of water bombs and no one stood a chance. 
 

It was stinking hot on Christmas Day, so the water fight was definitely welcome.  Even better was that us adults just had to sit and the kids would soak us.  Not even Granny escaped being hit with water bombs.  My dad was prepared though and came in his swimming shirt.  We all laughed at him turning up in it...not when we were all saturated still and he was dry though.
 

It was a great day and we all fell exhausted into bed at 830pm.  From someone who struggles to get to sleep before midnight, it was definitely a good thing.  The airconditioned cabin certainly helped things.  Although on the third day it froze over and we had to turn it off...cue us sweating our arses off. 
 

Yesterday saw us heading off home again. It was 31 degrees when we left and when we got into town it was 36. I felt the suffocating humidity hit me almost immediately.  I'm still pooped but I am so glad that our Christmas went off without a hitch.

  How was your Christmas?

FFS Friday 21st December

It's well and truly the silly season around her and it's bought all of the wankers out of the woodworks here.  It wouldn't be a Friday in silly season without a FFS Friday!
 

Devil Spawn slept in until 930 on Monday (daycare day) and I decided to keep him home.  An hour later I regretted it. FFS
 

By the time I got him ready and took him to daycare it would have been time to pick him up again so I had to deal with having him home FFS
 

Having him home involved taking him to a DR appointment.  That never ends well. FFS
 

He started off right where he left off last DR appointment and started screaming at me that he needed a drink FFS
 

After my DR did a GOOGLE search she determined that she didn't think I was able to get ATAPS. FFS
 

It turned out she was right FFS
 

Tuesday morning I woke up to it raining, I have to take the bus to Daycare and Devil Spawn had to go on Tuesday. FFS
 

The rain finally stopped around 745 and I was able to take him NO FFS.
 

There is a cafe here that I have been dying to try. Every time I have organised to go there something comes up. This week I got there but they were fully booked FFS.
 

I had lunch with some great company NO FFS
 

I killed some time before my psych appointment and bought a Scratchie. I won $25. NO FFS
 

I have to clean my dump before the parental unit come. Wednesday it was so hot that I looked like I had run a marathon after washing up.  FFS
 

Washing up was about all that I got done FFS
 

I did however wrap 90% of the Christmas Presents...whose stupid idea was it that the presents need to be wrapped FFS
 

I went hunting for a pair of board shorts for Christmas day...I couldn't find any shorts that were bigger than a pair of underwear. If I was going to wear that I wouldn't bother with the shorts FFS
 

That means that I have to brave the shops again tomorrow FFS
 

Papa Devil hasn't done any of his Christmas Shopping yet. That means I will then have to go out to the shops again on Saturday or Sunday. Why does he leave it until the days before every single year FFS
 

What's been pissing you off this week? Are you a blogger? Head on over to Dear Baby G and link up with your weekly whine.

Tasty Summer Treat!

*The following post is a review of Smooze Fruit Ice.  I received 8 products to test and give my thoughts on. All opinions expressed in the following post are my own. No monetary compensation was made for my opinions.*
 

I was super excited when I was contacted to review the Smooze Fruit Ice products.  It has been stinking hot here lately and I was pumped to try out a new frozen treat.  Upon receiving them, they promptly went into my freezer.  I think I checked them every couple of hours to see if they were frozen yet haha! I'm not sure if it is my dodgy freezer but they seemed to take a bit longer than normal ice blocks to be completely frozen. 
 

 When reading all about Smooze Fruit Ice, the first thing that stood out to me was that they are dairy free.  With allergies on the increase, it is so refreshing to see companies making yummy treats for those who can't indulge in dairy ice cream.  "Smooze Fruit Ice is made with a base of coconut milk, with real fruit added to create four delicious flavours – Pineapple + Coconut, Pink Guava + Coconut, Mango + Coconut and Simply Coconut.  Available in boxes of 10, Smooze Fruit Ice doesn’t need to be frozen all the time, making it a convenient addition to the pantry all-year around."
 

I have to admit I was a bit worried that with the Smooze Fruit Ice being made with coconut milk, I thought the coconut flavour would be quite strong and overpowering. I was however pleasantly surprised and they offered a sweet refreshing treat on a hot afternoon.  They were  a definite winner with Devil Spawn who devoured two in one sitting.  That's the great thing about them, they are small enough for little hands to handle.  The thicker cardboard packaging also means that they aren't too cold for little hands to handle. 
 

 In my package of yum I also received a few drink recipes to try with the Smooze Fruit Ice.  The breakfast smoothies weren't overly appealing to me but when I saw a Mocktail recipe I just knew that I had to try it.  Turning it into a Cocktail of course.  It was delicious and hit the spot after a long day of toddler wrangling. 

Tropical Mocktail
1 Coconut + Pineapple Smooze Fruit Ice
1/2 can Passionfruit Pulp
1 serve of Sugar Syrup *see note
1 Handful of Ice
 

Method:
In a blender mix together Smooze Fruit Ice, Sugar Syrup and Handful of Ice.  If you are using Icecubes from your freezer then I suggest smashing up the ice before blending otherwise it will take forever to chop up the ice. 
 

Pour mixture into a glass of your choice (or in my case plastic cup because I have a toddler and we can't have nice shit when he's around) and mix through Passionfruit Pulp with a spoon.
*Note: Sugar Syrup is made with 3 Tablespoons of brown sugar and a dash of water, enough to make a syrup consistency.
Add alcohol of your choice. I used vodka and I was yum! I think Malibu would go nicely with it as well.

 

 Smooze Fruit Ice doesn't need to be frozen at all times, so makes a great addition to your pantry.  In my local Coles I found them in the same aisle as the Ice-cream cones and toppings.  The media release I received stated the RRP as $6.49 AUD for a box of 10.  I went into Coles this morning to suss them out and found out that they are $5.99. Score! I love them so much I went and got my own box as we finished off the products we received yesterday.
 

They will definitely be a feature in The Funny Farm's Summer this year!
 

What's your favourite thing to eat or drink on a hot day? Have you tried Smooze?

Wordless Christmas

Today I decided to link up with Trish over at My Little Drummer Boys  for Wordless Wednesday.  It was bought to my attention that today that there is only 42 days until Christmas so I decided to do a looking back over our Christmas' so far with Devil Spawn.

 

Sand in your crotch

Yesterday Papa Devil, Devil Spawn and I went to the  beach.  I love going to the beach. It's free easy entertainment for Devil Spawn and it's super refreshing on a stinking hot humid day.  You know what would make the whole experience even better? No fucking sand.
Anyone who goes to the beach with kids will tell you that you find sand in the strangest places for the longest time afterwards.  It gets everywhere.  On everything.  IN everything. 
 

As soon as we tell Devil Spawn that we are off to the beach his little cheeky face lights up like a Christmas tree and that means we must go to the beach RIGHT THIS SECOND which would be awesome IF we didn't live a 25 minute drive from a decent beach. First world problems and all that.  We pack the car up, put swimmers on, take more towels than can sink a battle shit and load all of the sand toys in as well. 
 

Usually I don't get completely into the water, not wanting people to think a beached whale has washed up and have a full scale Greenpeace mission turn up at the beach.  Yesterday however I decided it was too stinking hot to do the usual up to my shins in the water and took the plunge (literally haha). Oh my I forgot how awesome it is to sit in the water and enjoy the waves crashing over you.  What I forgot was the salt encrusted hair (people actually pay to have their hair to be like that) and the sand in the unimaginable places.
 

 Devil Spawn had decided to roll in the sand so was covered from head to toe in sticky sand.  Papa Devil took him back down to the water to wash him off a bit before putting him in the car. Devil Spawn, like most little boys though is a giant magnet for dirt. He managed to fall over and cover himself in sand again.  We gave up at this point and just wrapped him in a towel.  There was fucking sand in all the fucking places. 
 

I thought I had managed to escape the sand in all the places, that was until I got home and took my swimmers off.  All of the sand from all of the places was in all of the places of my bathroom floor.  I had a nice bumpy, grindy fake tan from one end of me to the other.  There was enough sand to fill a small sandpit.  Like I said, it was in all of the places.
 

I would totally live at the beach if it wasn't for all of the sand.  Do you love the beach? Would you be happy to ditch the itching in all the places sand?

Up to my ears in shit and piss

Welcome again to the weekly fuck you that is FFS Friday.  I really love writing this post because it gives me an excuse to be a great big whinger.  Oh and I can't forge that it also gives me the chance to laugh at others expense!
 

I decided to be all resourceful and do a meal plan. You know to save money and shit.  Every time I decide to do that, I then decide that cooking is for losers and don't feel like making all of the things that I have meal planned.  I'm sure it's my inner rebel trying to make a last ditch fight for freedom.  All I know is that I still have a fridge full of food that I mostly haven't used. FFS
 

This week we started Toilet Training with Devil Spawn.  The first couple of days were good and I was feeling positive.  Devil Spawn obviously cottoned on that this shit was for keeps and decided on Sunday that he just didn't want to do it anymore.  I asked him to go to the toilet and his response was 'I did, the floor is toilet'.  Cue me telling him no he was a big boy and he needed to do his wee in the toilet.  His response: 'I not a big boy, I a dinosaur grrr'. Sorry buddy but even Dinosaurs have to use the bathroom in this house FFS
 

Devil Spawn goes to Daycare on Monday and Tuesdays so I can go sleep and lunch with the ladies.  Monday I took him in his little jocks (seriously how damn cute are little jocks) and let the girls know that he was toilet training.  I was pretty apprehensive after our dinosour episode the day before but I figured they were trained and shit so should be able to handle it.  I got there in the afternoon and he had no accidents! No FFS
 

Tuesday however was a different story.  I got to daycare and he'd had two accidents (not too bad for a guy just getting the gist of this toilet business) and they had put a nappy on him.  He still had a bag full of jocks and shorts so I have no idea why he was in a nappy. It kind of defeats the purpose of him learning and they were adamant they would be happy to have him toilet train. A little consistency would be nice FFS
 

Devil Spawn now has new ammo to add to his reportoire of sleep dodging techniques.  Coming out and telling me he needs to do a wee wee.  I can't very well tell him to just do it in his nappy because well that defeats the purpose and the crafty little bugger knows it.  So off with the pyjamas and nappy and sitting on the toilet while he fucks around wasting precious time that I could be spending on Facebook and eating things I've been hiding from him all day so I don't have to share FFS.
 

The first 3 days of toilet training were spent with me telling Dyllan that his penis going in the toilet not pointing up.  So he would then ask me what I meant complete with actions.  This would then result in piss going everywhere and Devil Spawn acting like a giggling school girl FFS
 

Tuesday night I got all excited when Devil Spawn did a number 2 on the toilet.  I got all excited right up to the point when I walked into the bathroom.  Devil Spawn had decided to get all resourceful and wipe his own arse. With my towel FFS
 

That's my week of whinging in a nutshell.  What's pissed you off this week? Let me know in the comments. For some comedic relief head over to Dear Baby G to read everyone's additions to FFS Friday.

Kids say the darndest things

One of the joyous and possibly quite scariest thing about having a toddler is they start to learn how to talk and come out with the cutest and most cringe worthy phrases.
 

Devil Spawn already has sarcasm down to an art. I think it's awesome and considering I'm fluent in sarcasm, it was inevitable.  He most used phrase I think is easily 'alright' of course said with a sigh and eye roll.  This is usually after I have told him to pick up his toys for the tenth time in the space of an hour.  I wouldn't have to nag you if you did it the first time kid.
 

I think it's almost a right ofpassage for a toddler to drop the 'f' bomb at some stage.  Usually in public.  Recently while out at my parents Devil Spawn dropped it, and used it in perfect context.  I didn't know whether to hug him or yell at him.  What I did do was burst out laughing and attempt, in between fits of giggles to tell him it was naughty. 
 

At the moment Devil Spawn is convinced that everyone is a man.  We have many arguments about Mummy being a man and not a girl. Usually said with a sarcastic giggle from Devil Spawn.  When used in the safety of The Funny Farm it's pretty safe. When used on a bus not so much. It usually involves me hissing at him that that's a lady not a man and me receiving a dirty look from said lady.
 

Mispronunciation is pretty funny too.  Devil Spawn says dick instead of stick.  When said in the right context it gets a bit old school girl giggle from me.  His other mispronunciation though has the potentional to be a bit more mortifying.  When he says 'can't' it sounds an awful lot like a swear word used to describe the female anatomy.  Oh yes it's so awesome when we are at the local shopping centre and I ask him to to do something and he yells at the top of his voice 'I c*nt'. Oh yeh that.
 

His favourite phrase at the moment is 'begusting' aka 'disgusting'.  I use the term to describe the things up his nose that he refuses to let me remove.  Devil Spawn prefers to use it to describe food that he is served.  I don't mind it so much when its about noodles from the local noodle place (hey more for me) but when he uses it to describe the food I serve up, then shit has just gotten real. 
What are some pearlers that your cherubs have come out with? Do you cringe every time they open their mouth in public?
 

I'm linking up Jess with this week for IBOT. Click on over and read the great offerings the blogosphere has to offer.  Share the comment love and enjoy your day!

FFS Friday 19 October 2012

 At first thought I didn't think I had enough for a FFS Friday but after some deep thoughts while washing my locks I realised that there were a few things that pissed me off this week. Well they do say that all of our best thinking is done while in the shower and on the toilet ;)
 

For the duration that I have been living at Funny Farm my shower has been shite.  I just thought there was a water saver head and put it in the too hard basket.  I got DP to have a look at it last weekend.  There was no water saver head. The pressure is just shite.  Now I am forever going to have to stand under the shower for an eternity to wash my locks FFS.
 

This week while having a child free day I was enjoying some television that was in cartoon when this little snippet turned up. http://www.2dayfm.com.au/entertainment/the_dirt/blog/video-guys-gone-skitzo/20121015-hf6h.html  Using a mental illness to describe something is NEVER cool. Ever.  There is a theasurus for a reason. Use it! FFS
 

DS has turned into a know it all.  He will ask me a question then say 'No'. Don't ask me the question if you already know the answer kid FFS.
 

On Wednesday a couple of friends and I took our kids down to the beach for the day.  We went early to get as much time as possible at the beach.  Turned out it was high tide so there was no beach.  FFS
I got all "I'm more fit that I think I am' and decided to walk from the beach to DP's work.  In the stinking heat. Pushing 20+kg worth of toddler and pram. Mostly up a hill.  I think I saw my life flashing before my eyes a few times. About half way I was dying of thirst and busting to go to the toilet at the same time.  The rest of the way felt like an eternity FFS.
 

I forgot to put sunscreen on both DS and I. We both got burnt.  I remembered to put sunscreen on DS on Thursday morning before going to Mum's Group but forgot about myself. I got reburnt. I feel like a giant lobster FFS

For the first time in weeks I was asleep, soundly before midnight AND got to sleep in until 730am.  I got 10 hours worth of solid sleep for the first time in I have no idea how long.  I also woke up this morning feeling more tired than I have in weeks. It isn't supposed to work like that FFS.
 

I do my online grocery order on a Thursday afternoon.  The only spots that were left were the dearest spots.  I kept forgettting about it so I could only get night time spots.  It really is a first world problem FFS.
 

What's pissed you off this week? Leave your FFS in the comments then head on over to Dear Baby G and read all about other peoples FFS Fridays.

FFS Friday: I really could go on forever

On Friday I decided that DS needed new clothes for Daycare.  DS decided it was time to really extend his horns even further.  He screamed on and off for two hours. Head butting me a couple of times. I could feel the judgement searing my skin.  How about a little compassion FFS
 

On the way home I decided a carton of UDL was needed.  I turfed DS out of the trolley so that ther was room for the carton.  He repaid me by crawling along the ground and barking like a dog. So here I was pushing my trolley of grog while being followed by a barking toddler FFS
 

I got down to the taxi rank and thought I had hit the jackpot because there was already a taxi waiting and no one in sight who wanted it.  Turned out he was an arsehole with no common courtesy.  I get that he doesn't owe me, but after I just spent $10 for him to drive me across the road, the least he could do is give me a hand. No instead he sat on his arse tapping the steering wheel while I struggled out with my 5 shopping bags, oversized bottomless pit (aka handbag), carton and a still tantruming toddler.  I would have gotten out quicker if you helped arsehole. FFS
 

DP and his son went fishing.  DP got home at 530am.  He stripped off and threw his pants on the floor.  His smelly fish covered pants.  That wasn't the end of it though. The next night we went out for dinner. He riffled through the clean clothes to find something to wear.  The clothes fell on the floor.  Fast forward two days and I am folding up the washing.  What do I find? DP fucking smelly fish covered pants in amongst the clean washing.  I had to rewash the clothes.  My washing maching is tempremental and only likes to wash at half a load.  It's only 5kg to start with.  It took me all fucking day to wash clothes I had already washed on Saturday.  FFS
 

DP had the genius idea that it was my washing mashine being not level that was causing all of the issues.  I made it level and it didn't make a difference so I changed it back.  DP knew this.  He decided to ignore it and adjust the feet on the washing machine.  Feet that need a shifter to readjust. A shifter that I don't have.  I did a load of washing tonight.  I had to go in every 5 minutes during the spin cycles as the washing machine is so out of balance, the clothes kept gathering on one side and stopping the cycle.  Why don't men listen FFS
 

What are some things that have pissed you off this week? Check out Dear Baby G to see more FFS stories

A day in the life

So today I decided to do a photo post of a day in the life of us. Hour by Hour.  It was heaps of fun and Devil Spawn loved posing for pics.

So we begin.

 Our day wonderfully started at 945am. DS slept with me.  I felt like I was sharing a bed with a mack truck...with octopus like tendencies.

10:30

 Being a responsible mother and preparing a lunch to take with us.  We are off on a bus ride to the beach and to see Devil Papa.

 At the bus stop and have all the essentials packed.  Obviously that includes a couple of monster trucks.

11:30

 We're on the road and off to the beach. Finally!

 Got a spare mil laying around? You too could own one of these.  It's just a pity that you have to live close to Bogan Town too.

 Watching the world go by.

 12:30

 Off the bus and picking up a few things at the shop before going to DP's work.

 I'm really thinking that it's time to whip out the old backpack harness again.  He's so fucking fast and I have no hope of catching him.  I also don't want to get knocked out when my ample bosom start bouncing around.

 1:30

 On the home stretch now. Nearly there. By this stage I'm ready to chop off my arms they hurt so much.

 DS spotted some cool mowers on our walk to DP work.

 DS is checking out the merchandise.  After this he tried brushing his hair with a wire brush. Oh yes he's a special one.

 Hiding.

 You can't see me mum.  I laughed so hard when I looked to see where he was hiding.

2:30

 DS always loves playing in DP work 'truck'.

 DP gets lollies with some of his deliveries so DS makes sure to raid them every time.

 Sword fights with a feather duster!

 Who knew there could be this many different kinds of screws.

 DP pulled out a blower for DS. He loved it. Especially as I had a flowy top on and he got to chase me with it.

  20 secs before this I was kneeling down and he blew me in the face.  He thought it was hilarious.

3:30

Waiting in the car for DP to finish and lock up.

 

4:30

Home again.  Slothing on the couch until it's time to cook dinner.

5:30

 Feeding time at the farm!

7:30

DS is in bed so it's time for some indulgence of Big Brother and a Violet Crumble.

Phew that took a hell of a lot longer than I anticipated but I had heaps of fun taking the pics.  Unfortunately even though I had my Big Brother and Violet Crumble fix at 730, DS is still awake and I'm dying in the arse fast.  
Here's to hoping he get's that feeling soon too!