PMS can bite me

PMS or Premenstrual Syndrome is a bit of a touchy subject. A subject that seems to gather a lot of 'of she must be on her rags' comments from the more dense variety of the opposite sex.  PMS however is a very real syndrome for a lot of women.  Better health Channel says that up to 75% of women experience mild symptoms, while 20-30% experience more severe symptoms that can affect their mental well being.
 

The symptoms of PMS differ from woman to woman.  They can range from the physical such as bloating, weight gain, acne and swollen, tender breasts.  Many women also experience emotional symptoms such as decreased self esteem, moodiness, decreased/increased sex drive and anxiety.
 

There is also there more serious symptom of depression and suicidal ideation.  This is a symptom that I experienced.  It was horrible.  In the week leading up to my period, my depression reached new lows.  I couldn't get out of bed.  I didn't see the point. Many of my suicide attempts coincided with my period.  I just couldn't see the end. Even though I had dealt with this every month, I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. The stress overrode the limited amount of coping mechanisms that I had.
 

When I was a teenager, one of my psychiatrists warned me to never go on Depo Provera for contraception.  After I feel pregnant and had to go cold turkey on all of my medication, I knew that I couldn't/didn't want to go through that again.  It was a roller coaster of emotions and mood swings.  I needed a contraception that I didn't have to remember to take every day because lets face it, some days I would forget my head if it wasn't screwed on.  I wanted something that I could just do it and then it works and something that wasn't invasive.  I have a lot of scar tissue on my arms, and so I wasn't able to get the rod in my arm, that left me with Depo.   

I do feel some of the effects of the Depo.  I have a consistent low mood that I am fighting...however it is much better than the PMS that I used to experience.  My crisis points are now further apart, rather than every single month.  It gives me time to work on my skills, hone in on the strategies that I already have.
 

Do you suffer from PMS badly? What are you never fail techniques to help lighten the load each month? 

Linking up with Essentially Jess for #IBOT 

Don't be a dickhead

Over the last two days, the Rockhampton region has received close to 500mm in rain.  It rained non stop for the last two days.  My backyard looked like a swimming pool. Thankfully my house is built up a little bit or I would have been fighting the water out of my house. Many people in the region were.  The large amount of rain in a short amount of time meant that essential services were lost to some regions. Some areas lost electricity and water.  The the worst happened...the internet died.  If it had happened on the 21st of December I am sure it would have caused a panic of epic proportions.  Instead it just caused boredom and no outlet to voice our frustrations.  Nearly 24 hours without internet = Longest. Day. Ever.
 

There is something about rain, that just brings out the morons.  It's like the rain fertalises the one brain cell they have and they decide they need to be heroes.  Much to the dismay of the Emergency Services.  Every time there is a flood, the Emergency Services need to say over and over again 'If it's flooded, forget it' and still people don't listen.  In the 2011 flood, there were so many rescues that just wasted precious resources that could have been used to help those who were genuinely in trouble. Not the people who decided they were above the law and that the signs were for pansies. 
 

Picture from here

If you can't see the road, chances are that it's too deep to drive over.  Even worse, there might not be a road there to see.  Yesterday a young boy had to be rescued from raging flood waters because him and his friend were playing in the water and he fell in.  Children need to be educated on this! Adults need to make them aware of the dangers, there is so much debris and there is no knowing how fast the current under the water is flowing.  What could look like a calm river on top, could be a fast flowing death trap underneath.  A child, even an adult is not strong enough to fight a river that is a full force. 
 

Please for the sake of your loved ones and the loved ones of the people who risk their lives to save you, just don't risk the flood waters.  It's not the end of the world if you don't reach your destination on time.  It may be a huge inconvience, but it's better than your loved ones receiving the phone call that no one wants to receive. 
 

During this time the Facebook page CQ Flood Updates has been an absolute godsend and a wealth of information in keeping locals and their families up to date on what is happening with the floods. 

The importance of sleep

Any parent will be able to recite to you the effects of sleep deprivation.  Whether it's a long term issue or one night after months of being a perfect sleeper, we've all felt it.  The term walking zombie comes to mind.
 

Sleep is so important to good mental health.  Of course it's always easier said than done.  When you have sole care of a small child, you can't just pop a sleeping pill and hope for the best.  At least not without knowing how well it works first.  The trouble with not being able to sleep is that for me it's often too late to even contemplate taking medication...I have enough trouble getting out of bed in the morning as it is.
 

A few years ago, before Devil Spawn came along, I couldn't sleep...for 5 days straight.  I laid in bed, closed my eyes and nothing happened....for 5 days.  I had been taken off all sedative medication and had no access to any.  I even tried alcohol and nothing happened.  My brain just refused to switch off. I was at a loss as to what to do.  On the 3rd night I went to A&E. After waiting for hours, I was told to go home, I was nothing but a drug chaser. If I was a drug chaser then I would have already slept...you know because I would have drugs.  Rinse and repeat for the next night.  Both nights I had to wait to see the psych team. Both nights I was accused of being a drug chaser. Both nights I was given nothing.  By this stage it was up to day 4.
 

I had called the Crisis Team, they told me to go to A&E, it was fruitless. I was at a loss as to what I could do.  My brain was refusing to switch off. My eyes burned from being open for 4 days. I was very close to snapping. I covered an entire wall in my room with paper and wrote ramblings, that spanned the whole wall. A kind of brain splatter on my wall. None of it made sense.  Still I couldn't sleep.
 

I had a small amount of hope (or I was a glutton for punishment) and went to the A&E again.  It was now day 5. I din't have much faith, but I needed sleep and I was willing to do anything at this point.  Anything legal that is.  I was in luck...the registrar who was on duty that night was someone who knew my history...something that the other doctor could have easily checked and seen that I have never had an issue with drugs.  He couldn't believe that I had been ignored so long.  He wanted to admit me, I just wanted to sleep, something that we all know doesn't happen too comfortably in a hospital bed.  He had no hesitation in giving me a wafer type medication to help me sleep. A wafer is a medication that dissolves as soon as it hits your tongue.  An easy way to avoid giving me a script, which is what the other doctor was apparently trying to avoid.
 

After 5 days, I sleep deeply and long.  I felt refreshed and like I had control over my body again. 
 

Snore Australia states the effects of chronic sleep deprivation as "feeling tired, irritability, slurred speech, blurred vision, memory loss, inability to concentrate, episodes of confusion, hallucinations, nausea, impotence and reduced sexual drive. "  They also state that extreme sleep deprivation can lead to psychosis.  Unfortunately the only way to 'fix' sleep deprivation is to sleep.  Something that can be easier said than done, especially when you add small children into the mix.
 

The website How Did You Sleep says that the importance for sleep to mental health is paramount. "Sleep allows the brain to take in new information and strengthen our memories.  The quality of your sleep can have a significant impact on your mood, energy level and ability to concentrate.  It can affect your work, cause relationship problems and make it difficult to complete simple tasks.  Sleep can also affect our mental wellbeing, immune system, and other health-related issues. It is crucial to our health that we learn to sleep well."
 

Do you have trouble with sleep? What do you do each night to ensure that you get a good nights sleep?
 

Linking up with Jess for #IBOT

Unbearable

I've made no secret of the fact that I am struggling lately.  Things have started to take an all new 'low' though and something has to give.

 

I'm barely making the basic living needs of both Devil Spawn and I.  I am barely able to get out of bed each morning. This shit is mother fucking hard and I'm sick of everything being an effort.

 

I nap most of the day, to avoid the reality that is my life at the moment.  I close my eyes and pretend it doesn't exist.  I ignore Devil Spawn.  It's just too hard.  Then I stay awake most of the night, relishing the alone time.  If Devil spawn has gone to sleep at a reasonable time that is.

 

I struggle to cook dinner.  Devil Spawn and I are living mostly on a diet of take away and sandwiches.  This is not something I am proud of. I do want to change it.  I'm taking small steps. Teeny, tiny smaller than baby steps.  It's just so hard when your entire body feels like it is made of cement.  It's an effort just to get up.

 

Personal hygiene has fallen to the wayside. Anything that takes too much energy is cast aside.  I feel dirty. I don't care. I don't see the point. I don't care enough about myself.  If I could I would stay in bed all day, in my pyjamas, staring at the ceiling. I'm done. I can't do it.

 

Today was the first day in a long time that the feelings bordered on unbearable.  I relied on closing my eyes and pretending the world didn't exist.  I contemplated hurting myself. I felt sick at the thought. I hung onto that feeling.  It didn't help.  I scoured the house, looking for something to use as a 'bandage'. My perfection, the only thing stepping in the way.  I held onto that thought for dear life.  I considered calling the Crisis Team and we all know how fruitless that would have been. That is how 'real' shit got.  It was unbearable.  The only thing that kept me going was my ability to close my eyes...pretend it didn't exist.

 

I'm holding on by a thread. Things have to change. I just don't know how.

Self Harm FFS

Hi! This week I decided to do FFS a little differently and did a Vlog.  I was scared as hell and it took me about 50 takes to do.  Devil Spawn also kept running from my bedroom to the bathroom through the whole thing.  I haven't rewatched it for fear that I will delete it, so here I am in all my rawness.

Those who self harm may find the following Vlog triggering.  If you or someone you know is at risk of self harm please seek professional help.

Linking up with Dear Baby G 

Biting the Bullet

Shit has been hitting the fan the last 6 months. I've been a ball of fury that doesn't seem to have a way to unravel.  Everyone has been copping it. Left, right and center. Mostly those close to me though.

I think it's time I bit the bullet and talking to a 'professional' about it.  Every day feels like the worst day of my life.  I spend most of the day either in tears, sleeping to escape or yelling.  This is no way for DS to live.  I don't want him remembering his childhood as having been peppered with anger.

I just need something to take the edge off. The only time I don't feel on edge is when I am drinking. We all know what that can lead to.  

My jaw is constantly clenched and I am poised in flight mode instead of fight.  Not something that is helpful for a parent.  I think constantly about running away. Never coming back.  Self harm is always at the front of my mind.  This hasn't happened in over 3 years.  I feel in a state of constant crisis.  Shit is getting real.

It's time to get real about this shit.  It's time to get the help that I need and my family deserves.

Mouth Sewn Shut

Unless you have been living under a rock then no doubt you would have heard or read about the Charlotte Dawson Saga.

Some people are saying she brought it on herself, that she should have just ignored the trolls.  But should she really have?  

All of the 'bully chats' when I was at school told us to ignore the bully. They just want attention. They just want a reaction from you.  It will be better if you ignore it.  Is it really?  None of my recollection of being taunted from school is that ignoring them is good.  I'm a stewer, I sit on things until I explode.  Clearly ignoring it doesn't work.  

It's really kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.  It all depends on your inner workings.  If you can turn something off and not think about it again, then go with the ignoring option. If not, then do what works for you.

I'm kind of a blow it all out in the open kind of person.  If someone has the 'balls' to say something nasty then I call them on it.  If they act one way in private and completely different way in public, then I call them on it.  I try to stand by the thought of 'If you wouldn't say it to their face then don't say it online.'  If you are so 'proactive' in letting someone know what you think about them, then why the need for secrecy.  

This week my brother was suspended.  One of the reasons given was that he kept having outbursts at other students when the were saying stuff to him on the sly.  So in short, he got suspended for sticking up for himself.  My mum brought this up with the teacher....apparently what he is doing is worse.  So again, in short standing up for yourself against bullies is worse than the bullying itself.  No wonder the rate of teen suicide is so high.

If you or someone you know is being bullied and doesn't know what to do please contact either Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36

Crisis Schmisis

Last night I realised the positive power of social media and once again the short falls of my local after hours crisis centre.  I am both amazed and appalled that women who I have never met IRL helped more than trained 'professionals'.

Things came to a head like a great big pussy pimple and I needed help stat!  I had been texting my best friend back and forth most of the day.  I had been waiting a week for my case manager to call me back, I missed her call.  I spent the rest of the day building up the confidence to call back and working out what to say.  I finally called her back and she told the receptionist that she would call me back...she didn't...again.

I have very, very, very little faith in my local crisis team and inpatient unit.  So the fact that I relented and called them, I think shows the frame of mind that I was in, and the distress that I was feeling.  

As soon as a voice answered on the other end I blurted out "I want to cut myself".  He asked if I had spoken to anyone else about this and I said that I had been waiting for my case manager to call me back but she hadn't.  What did he surmise from this? That the solution to my crisis was to send my case manager an email and problem fixed.  I started crying and asked what I was supposed to do in the mean time? His answer? I sent your case manager an email, problem solved.  I called him a wanker and hung up.

He called back...I won't bore you with the details but the conversation pretty much followed the same line as the first one...my problem was already solved.  I told him I wasn't coping with my child and the care of him and he told me that everyone goes through that and to suck it up, go watch a movie and it will blow over. I. Am. Not. Kidding.

The scary thing about this experience? It's not a one off, they weren't just having a bad night.  I can count on one finger the amount of times that they  have been helpful.  They are the first port of call before being hospitalised.  If you present at the ED, you have to pass these gate keepers.  Depending on the time that you present...you might not even see a doctor before being sent on your merry way.  Regardless of your state you can be sent on your way without seeing a doctor.

I have been dragged to the ED by police and still they said that the Dr didn't want to leave the comfort of his bed and send me on my way.  Even the police were appalled.  

The first time I had contact with them my parents had driven 8 hours for the 'privilege' only to be told 'she's not old enough to be in our unit' even though at the time I was 18 and a half.  Our referring GP was told that I was guaranteed a bed and that I needed to be hospitalised.  It took my mum 'making a scene' for them to admit me.  Even though I had just gone through surgery to fix something I had done to myself, I wasn't considered 'sick enough'.

I am really appalled that as a developed country we still have this fight to have mental illness treated and to be treated with respect.  Most of the time we don't have the energy to jump through the hoops they set for us and self harm, criminal activity, drinking, taking drugs is just 'easier' than having to deal with the crap these 'professionals' deal us.

Decided to link up with Dear Baby G's For Fuck Sake Friday.  Pop over and show some comment love or link up with a post if you have something that has been driving you up the wall this week.

Fuckitol

Today I need a big dose of this....

Everything is compounding and it feels as though nothing is going the way it is supposed to.  I sit in the house because I can't be bothered putting on a smile to face the world.  I make plans because I know that staying stuck in my house doesn't do anyone any favours but I pull out at the last minute because I work myself up about it too much.

I finally worked up the courage to ring my case manager, after talking about it extensively with one of my best friends...only to have her not call me back.  I got a phone call two days later to say that she was on holidays, had been all week and wouldn't be back until Monday... I am at a loss as to why the receptionist didn't mention this.  I hate the public health system.

Major is frustrated at me because I won't just 'perk' up.  He of all people should know that it isn't that easy.  Mixed all up with that is anger and frustration.  I want to just get off this damn roller coaster called life.  I'm done.  My case manager will ask me if I feel safe....I have no idea

Bah Humbug

This is just going to be a spew of random so bare with me people.

What do you get when you mix a full moon with full blown Christmas Silly Season? Fucking chaos that is what!

I know I have my ranty pants on permanently lately and those on my facebook are copping the brunt of it.  I feel sorry for them I really do. The damn things just seem to be stuck there.

I have had this stupid gastro bug for 5 days.  Yes that's right 5 days!!! I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself that it was doing wonders for my weightloss.  Yeh you're right, it didn't work.

I have an appointment with the new case manager tomorrow.  Even though she has been around for 2 months I still call her new as I have only seen her once in that time.  Let's hope that she turns up tomorrow.  If she does, I really don't know how I am going to answer her questions.  The biggest one being 'Do you feel safe?'.  I really don't know, really.

You know its a bad day when you spend most of it laying in bed listing to Matchbox Twenty's early stuff sobbing.

Scars remind me that the past is real

Image from here

It's no secret that I have a history of self harm...I have evidence from my wrists to my shoulders.

I'm not ashamed of my scars....but I'm not proud of them either...contrary to popular belief.

Most of them I can tell you a brief story of how it got there...the superficial story anyway.

I often forget that they are actually there...I've lived with scars for so long that they are just part of me...much like a birthmark or freckle would be for someone else.  It always throws me off when people ask me what happened.  My stock standard answer is "It's a long story" aka mind your own fucking business.  Most of the time that works....others are just too nosy and I end up walking away.  

If I do tell you what happened...don't think that I will do any harm to you...that's why it's called SELF harm.  I have no intention on physically hurting anyone else except myself.

Self harm can be all consuming and is much like an addiction.  Before you know it, you are doing so much damage to yourself in one session that it repulses most people...you hardly blink an eye.

Self harm is not an attention seeking venture.  It's a way to make the inner turmoil into something physical. Physical problems are much easier to deal with.

If you or someone you know has the urge to self harm please call someone.  It can be a family member or a friend.  Alternatively if you don't feel comfortable talking to someone close to you, there are numerous help lines to call.

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Victoria Suicide Helpline: 1300 651 251

Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800 (these guys were a huge amount of help to me as a teenager)

You can also call your local hospital and ask about a crisis line.

If you are in immediate danger please call 000 or get yourself or the person who is threatening self harm to your nearest Emergency Department.

Crisis Numbers

Seeing as how I want to provide this blog as an informational place so I've decided to do a post about crisis numbers and my experience with them.

My experience with my local after hours team is that they are mostly a bunch of useless twats.  Although there is a good proportion of the inpatient unit who are also a bunch of useless twats so maybe my local service is just useless.  Everytime I would call them I would hold a little bit of hope that this time it would be different and 9 out of 10 times they lived up to their useless twat status.  My most memorable help (I use that term loosely) from them was when calling because I had self harm thoughts and they told me to just go ahead and do it.  Yeh like I said helpful.

The last time I called however was actually helpful(no I am not being sarcastic) and I was blown away.  It was only a few weeks ago and I had told my doctor multiple times that I would not call them if they were the last people on earth.  Everything was just getting a little too much.  When I say everything I mean nothing in particular and everything in general.  I was so unbelievable angry that my vision was blurred.  Everything pissed me off. I had reached the end of my tether and decided to call ACT(acute care team).  He was surprisingly helpful and was a calm voice in the storm of my head.  He promised to call back after I had tried to call Major Man and actually did.  However a mix up(aka they didn't change my details) with my phone numbers meant that the cops were nearly called to break down my door.  I had gone to Major mans house and when they couldn't get me on the phone(the number should have been changed months but wasn't) and I wasn't answering the door as I wasn't home he was on the verge of calling the police because he was in fear of my safety.  They did follow ups, and I got my medication changed. 

So I guess the gist of this post is that you always need to hope that when you reach out your hand that there will be someone there to take it.  Even if it is a stranger.  I don't know about anyone else but sometimes its easier to dump on someone you are never going to see or talk to again.  You don't have to worry about the implications.

If you or someone you know needs help then check out beyond blue's website.  They have a great range of resources as well as help lines to call

http://beyondblue.org/