How to be a Hot Mummy Blogger

I'm a mummy blogger. I kind of fail at it most of the time because I think this whole motherhood caper is mother trucking hard.  I write the occasional recipe and household 'tip' aka how to avoid it and why I hate it so much.  Really the only thing that makes me fit the old stereotype mold of mummy blogger is that I have a child who is along for the joy ride. 
 

Anyone who knows me also know that I pretty much fail at the whole fashion thing too. I take comfort over looks.  When a fabulous tweeter said she was going to blog about her OOTD. I of course asked what it was (only stupid question is the question unasked right) and it turned out to be Outfit Of The Day.  So of course, who better to educate you on the fashion of a mummy blogger!?
 

First off...according to all sources 'Mummy Bloggers' do nothing but sit in front of their computer all day, lamenting about how awesome they are at parenting while leaving their child to fend for themselves.  This of course means that we are heading for something that is comfy and can enable you to sit on your rear end all day.
 

Some camps may indulge in the sarong or the singlet and 'yoga' pants.  The only yoga my yoga pants have seen is trying to contort myself to find the malteaser that's gone AWOL at some stage between my hand and my mouth.  My old favourite and sure to bring all the boys to the yard is my halter dress that has lost all of it's elastic.  Devil Papa says the sexiest thing about the dress is that one of the girls are always bound to come out and say hello. It's a sex symbol and comfy, what more could I ask for!?
 

The hair of a 'Mummy Blogger' is something that other peeps are totes jealous of.  It has a faux birds nest appeal that most others pay thousands in their local salon for.  A 'Mummy Blogger' has the joy of stepping out of bed to achieve this toddler walk fashion.  Picture if you will, grey regrowth pulled back into a pony tail or a becoming messy bun that screams abstract creation.  Many have tried to recreate this look but have only achieved a cheap knockoff.
 

A 'Mummy Blogger' doesn't subscribe to the pressures of society and instead prefers to go about her business as a fresh faced, breath of fresh air.  If she ever finds herself at the receiving end of an invitation that requires more than a fresh face, panic surely ensues.  It usually involves a quick scope of YouTube videos on how to apply a face that doesn't involve remnants of your child's food.
 

Shoes of course are optional. You don't need shoes to sit on your but at a computer all day. However if being a mother starts to interfere with your 'Mummy Blogging' career then thongs will suffice. If you want to be classy get some with some diamonte detail on top.  You'll be the envy of every one at the playground.
 

What are your fashion must haves? Do you tend to go for comfort over looking stylish?

Jo-Baz Review

I received the following product to review. I received one box of product to use. All opinions are my own.
 

Anyone who knows me in real life will be able to vouch for me when I say that I have really, really thick hair.  Lately it has been a pain in the arse to control. It has been frizzy and unruly. Thankfully it is now long enough to pull up into a messy bun and it looks half decent.  So when I received the Jo-Baz Everyday Straight Hair, I was excited to try a product that would help keep my hair under control.
 

 *image from here

I don't have the time (or the energy) to sit and straighten my hair every single day, so this product is perfect.  According to the website Everyday Straight Hair works for up to 3 months  by adding Keratin to the hair. "Everyday Straight Hair's key ingredient is keratin, the hair's natural protein. During the formula's smoothing and straightening process the hair's internal structure is permanently changed and keratin is introduced back into the hair. The result is straight, smooth, controlled hair with renewed vitality and condition due to those returned keratin proteins."
 

This is what my hair looks like on a normal day

I'm a sexy beast.

I will admit when I read the instructions for the first time I was a bit daunted by the amount of process there seemed to be, but I was pleasantly surprised just how easy it was to use.  I'll be the first to admit that I am no whiz when it comes to whipping together a hair style, so the ease of this product once I got going really appealed to me.  However I would suggest before you start that you have large clips, hair dryer, a comb and plenty of cling wrap.  I didn't have a hair dryer so the process took a little bit longer.
 

 In the running for sexy Mama of the year with my cling wrap hair do.

As I have mentioned, my hair is very thick. I wasn't able to get the super straight effect that I desired but I do think that after another run over with my straightening iron and a dose of fixing cream that it will become more sleek.  Although my hair is not super straight, it is a lot healthier than it has been a long time. My hair has lost the frizz and it's not such a pain to do anything with. One thing that I also noticed is that there is more moisture in my hair so it is a lot easier to brush each day. Instead of having to take 10 minutes and some leave in conditioner to be able to get the knots of one day out, I can now pull a brush through it and there is only a couple of knots.  My hair does still have a couple of waves through it but they are much more defined. 
 

All up, it took me about 2 hours to put the products through my hair. It is a 4 step process that you need to do, if you want to make it more permanent. If you don't want it to be as permanent you can skip straight from keratin, to the fixing cream without ironing out your hair.  This dramatically cuts the processing time but it doesn't give you the straightening effect.  The straightening time will vary depending on the length of your hair and how thick it is. It took me about 45 minutes to iron it all out.  If you can manage to wrangle a friend to help you out with that step then I would really suggest it.
 

 The instructions called for an olive sized amount of Keratin B. Obviously my olives have had the super size treatment. p.s don't you love my hawt pink gloves.

Overall I am happy with the result from Jo-Baz Everyday Straight Hair. While my hair still has a bit of a wave, it looks much better than before I used the product.  I think what I struggled with the most was not being able to tie my hair back for 3 days after putting the product in my hair. So I suggest doing it when you don't have a lot to do and can have your hair down.  It is also recommended that you don't dye your hair for at least 14 days after the product has been used in your hair as it may effect the results, especially if the dye uses bleach. Bleach will remove any effects of Everyday Straight Hair.
 

The end result. Much more contained!

Jo-Baz Everyday Straight Hair can be found at your local Priceline or Big W store.

FFS Friday 16th November

Friday! Yay! FFS time! Yay! This post really is my favourite to write.  While not so fun experiencing it all at the time, it's so simple to write. I also love reading everyone else's posts and laughing with (ok you got me AT) them about their FFS moments of the week.  So here we go....
 

I had so much FFS that I decided to start writing them down on Sunday FFS
 

On Friday I (stupidly) took Devil Spawn with me shopping for a party dress. He ran around the shop while I attempted to dodge the stares of the very impatient sales assistant FFS
 

The dress that I went in for, wasn't available FFS
 

I couldn't find what I wanted so had to submit to asking the impatient sales assistant for help. FFS
 

What she picked out actually looked great NO FFS
 

I spent a small fortune on said dress. The straps broke after wearing it for an hour FFS
 

Devil Spawn lovingly passed on his gastro. Which decided to rear it's ugly head while I was at the clubs. Throwing up in a club toilet is never classy FFS.
 

I was at home, in bed, completely sober at 1230am I continued to vomit most of the night FFS
 

Papa Devil looked after Devil Spawn all day Saturday so I could sleep it off. NO FFS
 

We were all in bed by 730pm because we were all so exhausted. Which was lucky because Devil Spawn decided that 3am is totes a cool time to wake up for the day. FFS
 

Tuesday morning Devil Spawn woke up covered in a rash. We spent 3 hours at ED while he was climbing the walls FFS
It was an allergic reaction...to something FFS
 

They were gone by the end of the day. NO FFS
 

He woke up the next day covered again in the rash FFS
 

I did 5 loads of washing to wash all of his bedding and our clothes because my washing machine is shitty and only lets me do half a load FFS
 

He woke up again on Thursday covered in the rash FFS
A friend and I walked to and from Mums Group this week. It was stinking hot. I'm unfit. I nearly died FFS
 

That's my week of FFS. What's pissed you off this week?
Linking up with Dear Baby G head on over to read other peoples FFS moments and maybe feel a little better about your week.

Lingerie Football

Welcome to Reader's Choice Thursdays.  This is our third week and so far I have learnt so much. The most important thing I have learnt however is to not tweet while watching trashy tv if I still don't have a topic or a certain blogger (I'm not mentioning any name *cough cough* will take it with both hands and I'll be writing about vjazzling or like this week....Lingerie Football.
 

So what exactly is Lingerie Football? Despite the name, the women don't actually play in skimpy lace numbers.  No they more closely resemble a cheer leading outfit than something you'd wear under your clothes.  It was founded in 2003, originally as a pay per view event showing opposite the half time of the Superbowl.  It is now a staple of Superbowl Sunday and is shown in over 85 countries worldwide.  The game consists of two seven-a-side teams.  Each team can have up to 20 players but only 14 are used on game day.
At the moment Lingerie Football is only played in the US and Canada.  However it is currently being promoted in Australia with the hope to officially start a season in 2013.  It is not without it's opposition however.  Sports Minister Kate Lundy was quoted as calling the sport ''cheap, degrading perv''.  This hasn't stopped women trying out though.
  

There are some groups who call Lingerie Football a sport that makes women into sexual objects.  Me? Hey if I had a body like these girls I would sure as hell be showing it off too.  These girls are athletic and strong.  In my opinion they are actually providing a positive body image. A hell of a lot better than any Runway Model that's for sure.  No one is forcing these women to run around chasing a football in a bikini and let's be honest there's more skin on display at the beach than these girls are showing. 
 

Critics are up in arms that this sport has tickets sold that are targeting families.  Are we really turning into that kind of world. A world where no one thinks for themselves and has to have a government dictate what we can and can't do.  Use your common sense people.  If you don't feel comfortable taking your kids to this kind of sporting even then don't but don't ruin it for the rest of the people.  Do I think it should be aired on Free-to-air television? No, but people who are willing to pay for it shouldn't be denied.  All of the women involved are consenting adults, who are over the age of 18. 
 

What's your take on Lingerie Football? Pervy or perfectly fine? If you had the body and the confidence would you do it?
 

For more Reader's Choice Thursday head on over to Help!! I'm Stuck!!

Dissection

I decided to do a bit of dissecting today. What on you ask? The Shopping Centre of course.  Yep it's all hard hitting action around here.
There are many different kinds of inhabitants that frequent The Shopping Centre.  Not all of them are rant worthy, most of them are.
 

The Teenager: This is one of the inhabitants that get on my last nerve frequently.  Sure there are nice ones around....those ones don't hang around shopping centres acting like wankers.  You know the ones, they are loud, obnoxious and always in large groups.  The local Shopping Centre tried to stamp down on these creatures by saying people under the age of 18 couldn't be in groups of more than 4. Yeh it worked for a whole week I think.
 

The Senior Citizen: This inhabitant tends to save all of their shopping adventures to one day. The dreaded Pension Day.  The general consensus is that this day is a Thursday.  Around here it seems to lean more towards a Friday.  The Senior Citizen has two very distinct categories. There is the cute little old lady/man. They fill you with all good stuff and remind you of the Disney industry generated Grandparent figure. Then there is the complete polar opposite.  The nasty, rude little old lady/man.  I understand that we should respect our elders BUT respect should be something that is returned.  You being over the age of 60 doesn't give you the right to push in front of me and my son at the checkout. If you have less things than me, I might have let you go first anyway.  You being rude about it just leaves a sour taste in my mouth.
 

The Bogan Family: This group of inhabitants don't have shoes, clothes are usually ripped and dirty, just like their foul mouth.  Don't get me wrong I drop the F-Bomb like the best of them, but there is a time and a place.  Walking through your local Shopping Centre is not that place.  Also please try to keep your kids in some kind of control.  We all know that Shopping Centres are like drugs for small kids but if you're too busy snogging your latest Baby Daddy, then that shit is not cool.
The 'Whoops is this a Shopping Centre, not a nightclub': There is a whole post dedicated to this right over here
 

The Large Group: When I say large group, I am talking more that 5.  A large group on its own is not annoying.  It's when said large group insists on walking in a straight line across the walkway.  You know, blocking the whole fucking thing! Have you ever tried to navigate a pram or trolley through one of these groups? It's damn impossible.  None of them move, none of them acknowledge that there are OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE WHO ARE TRYING TO SHOP TOO!
 

The Dreamer: Although the name may lead you to think that this person is all arty and swish. No. This person is too busy in their own world to realise that there is actually other people in the Shopping Centre.  You know, people who are trying to get shit done.  They wander around, saying hello to the 500 people they know, usually done in a door way of a store.  Don't even try saying 'excuse me'. It will fall of deaf ears and you'll be forced to look like you are a member of 'The Bogan Family' by cursing them out.
 

The Get In, Get Your Shit and Get Out: This is me. I don't like shopping for the sake of shopping anymore.  All of the above inhabitants have ruined that for me. 

Which inhabitant are you? Are you a little bit of different ones?
 

Linking up with Essentially Jess for IBOT

Sand in your crotch

Yesterday Papa Devil, Devil Spawn and I went to the  beach.  I love going to the beach. It's free easy entertainment for Devil Spawn and it's super refreshing on a stinking hot humid day.  You know what would make the whole experience even better? No fucking sand.
Anyone who goes to the beach with kids will tell you that you find sand in the strangest places for the longest time afterwards.  It gets everywhere.  On everything.  IN everything. 
 

As soon as we tell Devil Spawn that we are off to the beach his little cheeky face lights up like a Christmas tree and that means we must go to the beach RIGHT THIS SECOND which would be awesome IF we didn't live a 25 minute drive from a decent beach. First world problems and all that.  We pack the car up, put swimmers on, take more towels than can sink a battle shit and load all of the sand toys in as well. 
 

Usually I don't get completely into the water, not wanting people to think a beached whale has washed up and have a full scale Greenpeace mission turn up at the beach.  Yesterday however I decided it was too stinking hot to do the usual up to my shins in the water and took the plunge (literally haha). Oh my I forgot how awesome it is to sit in the water and enjoy the waves crashing over you.  What I forgot was the salt encrusted hair (people actually pay to have their hair to be like that) and the sand in the unimaginable places.
 

 Devil Spawn had decided to roll in the sand so was covered from head to toe in sticky sand.  Papa Devil took him back down to the water to wash him off a bit before putting him in the car. Devil Spawn, like most little boys though is a giant magnet for dirt. He managed to fall over and cover himself in sand again.  We gave up at this point and just wrapped him in a towel.  There was fucking sand in all the fucking places. 
 

I thought I had managed to escape the sand in all the places, that was until I got home and took my swimmers off.  All of the sand from all of the places was in all of the places of my bathroom floor.  I had a nice bumpy, grindy fake tan from one end of me to the other.  There was enough sand to fill a small sandpit.  Like I said, it was in all of the places.
 

I would totally live at the beach if it wasn't for all of the sand.  Do you love the beach? Would you be happy to ditch the itching in all the places sand?

Put some clothes on yo!

It's FFS Friday today so I have my ranty pants on.  Unlike the teen female population however, my pants are big, baggy and sufficiently cover my arse.

I got to my local shopping centre fairly regularly and my eyes are always assaulted with what seems to be the new fashion of leggings as pants and short shorts.  

The trouble is they think they look like this:

 When in fact 90% of them look like this:

 Girls, girls, girls.  

If you can't wear undies under your shorts because you are worried they will show out THE BOTTOM of your shorts, they shouldn't be worn in public.

If you can feel a breeze on your v-jay jay, they shouldn't be worn in public.

If your thighs have more cottage cheese than the dairy section in Coles, they shouldn't be worn in public.  

If you have to go to the plus size section to get your short shorts, they shouldn't be worn in public.

If your friends tell you, you look fine and sexy when you are unsure about how much arse you are showing, don't listen to them, they are arseholes.

If I can see the lace on your undies at the front of your shorts, they shouldn't be worn in public.

If you have to be anywhere that involves children, these shouldn't be worn in public.  Yes that involves picking up your kids from Daycare or School.  Your kid doesn't run out of the place because they're excited to get home, they want to get as far away from you as possible lest they be taunted for the rest of their school lives.

Please girls for the love of god, have some self respect. What happened to leaving shit to the imagination.  At least save the dental floss shorts for a night club where I'm not likely to be assaulted by them while buying a bottle of milk.

Need to get something off your chest? Head on over to Dear Baby G and let rip or read about other people's shit house days to know you aren't alone.

FFS Friday 16th December 2011

Sarah over at Dear Baby G writes a post each Friday about what pissed her off during the week.  This week I decided to join in on the fun.

This week I had an appointment with my case manager.  She turned up this time....40 minutes early.  I had no pants on and had to do a mad dash to go and get changed FFS.

I scour the web for 'inspired' meals for Mini Man and I.  I then slave over the stove and almost use every pot and pan I own.  If it is especially exotic I have to go out and buy new utensils or dishes.  He is happy to eat a whole loaf of garlic bread...from dominos FFS

For the third week in a row Major Man's son and his kids have come over during the only time that we really get time together during the week.  They sit around and drink piss while I have to deal with the 3 kids trashing my house.  Two out of the three weeks I have fed them.  Major Man is then an arse to deal with because he's drunk FFS

Shopping centers really need moron tests.  If you don't pass you can't come back for a month.  If you fail 3 times in a row then you are banned for life.  If you have ever spent extended periods of time in a shopping centre or work in retail I am sure you can sympathise with that.  Engage the brain before you step outside the door people.  FFS

What is with the arse hanging out of bottom of shorts fashion and why are 12 year olds indulging in it? You can't go anywhere without your eyes being assaulted from all directions by arse cheeks.  Cover up, I don't want to see your arse FFS

This woman enough said FFS

I could go on like this all day but we've all got to know when to call it quits.  Have fun and remember 'it's illegal to kill stupid people' no matter how tempting it is.

Fashion

What the fuck is wrong with fashion these days (oh god doesn't that make me sound old)???

I look through the shops and it seems that 'dressing like a homeless person' is the new fashion.  Does that now mean I can wear my pjs out and pretend they are 'fashion'?  Probably not.  I saw a shawl aka throw rug complete with tassles in valley girl last week that was a baby shit green colour.  I've spent the last almost two years trying to avoid getting baby shit on my shirt I'm not going to buy a throw rug complete with tassles shawl in the same colour.

My other gripe about 'fashion' at the moment is zippers.  I saw the prettiest dress, pulled it out of the rack and it had a great dirty zipper down the front.  I'm not talking a cutesy decorative zipper I'm talking a big black zipper that goes half way down the whole dress.  So you have a beautiful flowy dress usually in a pastel colour and it has a big black zipper down the front and this is called 'fashion'