Journey of Perfection

Laying in bed one night I had an epiphany. All of my best thinking seems to be done in bed at night.  Much to my desire to sleep's disgust.  I have taken to writing my thoughts down in a notebook or typing them into the notes section on my Iphone.  It certainly makes for better sleep and I remember my awesome ideas the next morning. 
 

Every night when I go to bed, I have plans to conquer the world the next day.  Suffice to say that I am definitely a night owl and am at my best and horribly worst in the late hours of the night.  I do my best writing and thinking after 10pm.  It's not always positive and it's not always productive.  Which is why I feel the need to write things down.  I need to get them out of my head.
 

The epiphany I had laying in bed one night was about perfection.  Perfection is something I think about a lot.  It's a source of guilt for me, as I am sure it is for a lot of people.  Always striving for that elusive perfection.  Then I got to thinking, when you get to the state of perfection..what then?  What comes when you reach the peak?
 

Then it hit me. We shouldn't be striving for perfection, we should be striving to learn from our journey. Perfection means that we have reached our destination, we stop moving.  Imagine going through life and not learning because well you think you have learnt all there is to learn.  Reaching perfection means that we don't feel the need to strive anymore.  It is kind of an anti climax.  Perfection is never really what we envision it to be. 
 

I hope that I never reach perfection. That I am never to the point where I feel there is nothing new to learn.  I hope that I will always be hungry for new knowledge. I hope that I will always be asking questions, looking for the information to satisfy the desire to learn.  I hope that it is something that we don't lose as each generation passes.  With so much at our fingertips now, I hope that it's not taken for granted. 
 

When are you at your best? Do you feel the hunger to continue to learn?

Lingering Love

A post I read a couple of days got me thinking about blog linkys.  It got me thinking about the good and the not so good of them. It made me second guess whether I want to play along anymore.
 

I love the new blogs that I find via linkys. I love that they expose me to blogs that I normally wouldn't read. I love that they bring new readers to Musings of the Misguided.  The little community they can create is great as well. It can sometimes feel like you have your own little clique when you find the kind of linky that just 'fits'.
 

I've found and kept reading some great bloggers through linkys.  I keep reading those blogs through social media. It's easier to see a glimpse into a person's life when you read more than a few words strung together on a blog post.  A blog post can be a window into a life, it's up to the blogger how far open the curtains are.
 

The blog post that got me thinking, made a comment about how linkys make people comment just for the sake of commenting.  Linkys have rules. It would descend into chaos if it didn't.  It does make me uncomfortable though that something someone writes, that could be heart on the page material for them is being commented on people who are 'just following the rules'.
 

How many of us go back after reading a post that a person wrote, reaching out for help, to see how that blogger is traveling? I know I'm guilty of doing the comment and dash, none of us a perfect.  I really hate that a person could feel the 'love' of multiple commentors and then the echoing silence of people going back to their lives. Rules met.
 

I hate saying things for the sake of saying things. I don't like 'blowing smoke up your arse'.  If I am going to say something, I am going to mean it, it's not going to be fluffy.  I am so thankful for those who have stuck around. I have loved getting to know you all and I hope the feeling is mutual.
 

If you are a blogger to link up to linky parties? Do you love them or loathe them? 

You can keep your bandwagon

The trouble with being on social media is that you see every single bandwagon there is to be jumped on.  I admit to jumping on a few, when they interest me or are something that I feel strongly about. What I don't like is being persecuted because I don't want in on the joy ride.  I chose what I want to be outraged about, I don't need your opinion forced on me.
 

The latest outrage, if my twitter feed is anything to go by, seems to be the word Cunt. Apparently as women we need to start reclaiming this word.  In simple terms the word cunt is used as a derogatory term for the female anatomy. So a feminist movement has started, saying that we need to reclaim this word from the men.  What if we never lost it in the first place?
 

It's a word, a word has as much power as you give it.  It may seem simple, but it's true.  If I call you a cunt, chances are that I kinda like you.  If I want to insult you I'm usually a little more inventive.  It's not really a socially acceptable word, so if I feel comfortable enough around you to use it, then chances are I count you as one of inner posse.
 

I very rarely use the word Cunt as a derogatory term.  When I do, I'm usually talking about a bloke and I'm not calling him a giant vagina.  My meaning is that well, he's really not a person that is worth my time. Just like reclaiming this word.  I've never lost it.  I just don't give it the power that other women do.  Cunt is certainly not the worst thing I have been called, far from it.  Maybe though that is because well I just don't see the badness of it anymore.
When I was a teenager I hated the word, thought it was vile.  Now? I just use it as an extra swearing describing word.  It kind of makes conversations seem a little more exciting. To me anyway.  The sentence 'The person was a little bit naughty so he needs to go over there, away from me', just doesn't sound the same without all of the describing words.
 

 So I won't be reclaiming the word in the name of feminism or any other cause because well I don't give the word the power that others do.  To me it's just another word.
 

What are your thoughts on the word cunt? Hate it, love it, or really couldn't care less?

The Physical Side of Mental Illness

It's no secret that having a Mental Illness is fucking hard. It takes over every part of your life, until you start to wonder where you end and the illness begins.  However what about the physical side effects. Not just the tiredness and lack of motivation, but the long term effects. The effects, that once you are stable on meds, still come back to bite you in the arse.
 

A lot of people who have a mental illness need to be on medication to stay stable. For some people they will be on that medication for the rest of their life.  These medications can have long term side effects.  These can include softening of the enamel on your teeth, restless leg syndrome and sensitivity to sunlight.  For these people there is no alternative. You take the medication that works the best with the least crappy side effects. 
 

Another swell physical side effect of many anti-psychotics is weight gain and increased appetite. Yep because I hate my body enough already without ballooning to twice my size while deep throating the entire bakery because you just never quite feel full enough. When I was on zyprexa I put on 10kg in 7days while still exercising and eating how I normally do. 
 

When you can barely drag yourself out of bed every day, and most days you don't then the finer points of personal hygiene fall by the wayside.  Teeth brushing falls to the wayside. Showers only when you need to leave the house. Food involves things that are easy to make, generally coming straight out of a packet. All of this, coupled with medication that softens the enamel on your teeth, means that a few years down the track your teeth are going to be shit.  No amount of making up brushing will stop it because your teeth are the only part of your body that doesn't regenerate itself.
When I felt myself on the cusp of letting go, I would go walking, late at night, barefoot. I didn't care about myself and the damage that it was doing at the time.  I would walk across glass, anything that would cause pain.  As a result my feet are now super sensitive. Even standing in good shoes for longer than 30 minutes hurts. It feels like my bones are bruised.
 

I have scars from my wrists to my shoulders. My arms are nothing but scar tissue. This makes a few things difficult. Taking blood was already a pain in the arse, now it's damn near impossible. Pregnancy was fun.  I can never escape the looks. I love summer but feel more comfortable in Winter. I can wear long sleeves, I look like any 'normal' person. I don't have to deal with people who think that I am blind and can't see them pointing at me.
 

Do you suffer from a Mental Illness or does a family member? What are the long term side effects that you have witnessed.

Self Worthless

I've  been thinking a lot lately...yeh, yeh I know it's dangerous but sometimes we have to do it, you know to be a grown up and all that.  What I have been thinking about in particular is the correlation between what we think about ourselves, deep down and how we conduct ourselves.
 

I don't think particularly high of myself. I have gotten past the point of completely worthless but only by a couple of points.  I still don't feel the love for myself, and it was kind of like an 'aha' moment laying in bed the other night that made me realise just how much it manifests itself into my life. How it shows in the things that I do and how I treat things.
 

One of the 'joys' of Borderline is that I tend to put people up high, above myself. This gets me into trouble and it puts me in the position of not realising when people are just rotten.  I am so eager to please, that I fail to see the shit people do and brush it under the rug because that is what I deserve. Then I look around, realise that I am losing the people who aren't shit and it's confusing. Something that I am working on, learning to trust my judgement and not feel that I am the only one to blame when a relationship goes sour.
 

This feeling however doesn't just extend to interpersonal relationships and how I portray myself to others. It also has an effect on how I take care of my possessions.  It hit me the other day that I take care of things that other people have bought me better than I do the things that I have saved and bought myself.  I even have the subconscious thought that it's mine so it doesn't matter.  A thought that I have about myself often. It's only me, what does it matter. 
 

I write my decisions off, I don't put my thoughts forward and just kind of go with the flow.  I pretend that it doesn't matter.  I want better for myself but I'm just not sure if I deserve it.
 

Do you suffer from the 'not good enoughs'? What do you do to make yourself feel a bit of worth?

How do you dine?

When you sit down to eat a meal, how do you eat?  Do you eat because it's simply a fuel, a sustenance that must be eaten as quickly as possible in order to get back to your life? Or do you like to sit and enjoy the flavours, let them roll across your tongue and enjoy each burst?  Are you distracted, doing 100 things as once while shoveling food in because it's 'time' to eat? Or do you try to make time to sit down and take a bite at a time, eating until you are full and no more?
 

Did you know that the French can spend hours eating one meal.  To the French a meal is about sharing conversation, enjoying each morsel of food and savouring the time they are spending together.  Dining is an experience, something that is to be enjoyed and shared with the ones you love.  Food is not simply a fuel, it is a way of life.  Food is intertwined into their life. However not in the way that other cultures (Australians included) center around the over consumption of processed and sugar rich foods.  The French rarely have processed food, the food is all about fresh produce and making things from scratch.   

When it is Devil Spawn and I at home, my dinner is usually consumed in front of the tv and computer. I hardly notice what I am eating and no doubt this has contributed to my weight gain.  On daycare days I usually only eat dinner as I just couldn't be bothered to eat lunch when it is just me at home. I have gotten to the point now that I can't sit and do one thing at a time.  The only time that I sit down to watch a movie without being on some form of social media is when my phone is flat or I am at the movies.  It doesn't make for a very enjoyable dining experience. It is nothing more than a 'it's dinner time' experience.
 

However when we go out to dinner as a family it is a whole different experience.  We usually get an entree or bread of some description and we actually talk, you know the real kind of talk that isn't just about crap.  We discuss the food, the atmosphere and how the textures make us feel.  When we order our mains we discuss and contemplate what we want. There is no rash decisions.  It must be painful for other people when they dine with us but we don't care.  We usually can't decide between two meals, so we order both and share. We make our dinner a sharing experience, we talk about the foods.  We take the time to enjoy the food and the flavours that go into making the food what it is.  It truly is a wonderful experience. Something that I really feel like we need to incorporate into our every meal.
 

How do you dine? Are you an eat and dash or do you savour the food?

Linking up with Grace from With Some Grace for Flog Your Blog Friday

Are you ready?

Recently a friend asked me when was the right time to have a baby, thinking that I must know because I already have a child.  At the time I offered the stock standard, you are never ready answer.  I have been thinking about it a bit more lately.  There's more to it than that.
 

It's true, you are never ready. There are so many things that all of the baby books and experts in the world couldn't prepare you for. Your baby. It doesn't matter if this is your first baby or your 10th. No baby is the same. Hell, what worked an hour ago might not work now. 
 

You will never have enough money. You will never have the right job. Your partner will never be in the right position. Children are unpredictable. Just when you think you have it all figured out, a curve ball comes from the left field.  You'll make it work though. You have to.
 

You will never have all the answers. No amount of reading, attending information nights or antenatal classes will prepare you for the amazing, humbling experience of bringing a child into the world.  Sure it's better than going in blind, just don't feel you know it all. There is always room to improve, things that your little human beings will teach you.
 

There are so many things that I wasn't prepared for. The loss of sleep. You don't know sleep deprivation until you have a child. There is no taking a day off. They have endless amounts of energy, while you have none. It is amazing the things that you somehow manage to complete while running on about 4 hours of broken sleep. All dignity goes when you have a child. Be prepared to have a running commentary of your life. Guess what, talking about toilet habits in public no longer phases me. I have no qualms walking through Big W and telling Devil Spawn that we need to go because mummy needs to do a wee.
 

Even though you will never be ready 'enough', you make it work. You work with what you have. Sometimes it is not much at all, it's always enough. A child isn't going to remember the things you bought them, the money you spent. They are going to remember the times you smiled, the times you encouraged and loved.  They won't remember you not having all of the answers, they'll remember you making the best with what you have.
 

Do you think there is ever a perfect time to have a child?

Healthy Me

I've decided that things need to change around here. I'm not going to make the usual 'I am going to lose x amount of kilos', only to feel guilty in a weeks time when I am stuffing my face with food I told myself I wasn't going to eat. 
 

This year is going to be different. This year I am aiming for health instead.  Losing weight will be just one of the bonus'. Physically my body is feeling the effects of my not giving a damn. My hair is dry and frizzy, my skin is forever in a state of break outs, my nails are growing at a snails pace, my energy levels are lacking.  I go to bed feeling crap, I wake up feeling crap. It is a giant rut and I am stuck right in the middle of it. 
 

This year instead of being a year of cycles of deprivation, followed by guilt when I 'give in', I am going to follow my body.  Eat healthy but not deprive myself. Live realistically. Everyone is different and I know for myself, the minute I say that there will be 'no more (instert food here)' that is the exact food that I crave.  I won't be following any fad diets. I will just be getting back to basics.
 

This year I am starting from the inside and then the effects will show on the outside.  Every time I go to my GP and she does my iron it is always ridiculously low, I need to start taking Iron supplements, as well as multivitamin.  Filling in the deficits that I know are there, getting energy back that I used to have.  Drinking more water, flushing out my system from the sugars and chemicals of months of drinking nothing but cordial and soft drink. 
 

This year I will become more involved. Working my way back up to being active like I once once.  Pushing for the endorphins that exercise gives.  Enjoying being in the outdoors again. Becoming involved with actually playing with Devil Spawn.  Working towards a better fitness level.  Allowing myself the opportunity to feel good physically again. 
 

This year I won't be getting caught up in the details. I will be taking it a day at a time, moment by moment. I won't be leaving things until tomorrow because tomorrow never comes.  Seizing the moment, no matter how strange it feels. Using my energy to it's advantage.  Getting back into a routine.  Fixing what needs fixing and moving on.  Letting go of the negative and allowing the positive to flow through.
 

What have you decided needs to change in your life? Are you already making steps or are you waiting for the tomorrow that never comes?
 

What are you waiting for? Seize the moment, you never know when it will come again.

Linking up with Jess for #IBOT 

Fuck You 2012!

I wasn't going to do a goodbye 2012 post because everyone seems to do them and I'm such a rebel. Fuck being the same and all that shit.  Then I realised I had more to say and that my FB friends would get pretty sick of my updates every 5 minutes.  

2012, has been a but fuck of a year.  It has been full of ups and downs. Anger and sadness. Found friendships and lost ones.  Strengthening of ties and severing. 

I refuse to let 2013 head the same way. I refuse to care about those who don't share the same affection.  I refuse to let those whose morals are lax, have an effect on how I live my life.  I will be me and contrary to what some people believe, that's pretty fucking awesome.  

I want to say thank you, to you the readers.  Thank you for sharing in the ups and downs. For sharing your stories with me and offering advice when I needed it.  Thank you for laughing with me, for sharing a little bit of my family life with me.

I have a couple of exciting reviews coming up in January that I can't wait to share with you all.  I hope that you will come into 2013 with me at The Funny Farm. 

Happy New Years! May all of your dreams come true!

Body Love

If the 'fashion world' is to be believed, plus size starts at size 12-14. I call fucking bullshit! How on earth are we supposed to portray to our children that size isn't everything, when a world that is so dominant to a teenager is telling them that they are 'overweight' at a size 12-14.  There is so much outrage...and yet nothing is done.  

When will it be that a woman is recognised for her brain, her voice, her passion and not the size of her bra, shirt and short short skirt?
 

Loving my body is something that I have always struggled with and continue to struggle with.  It doesn't matter what size I am...I hate it.  I stand in front of the mirror, poking and proding, picking out things that I do not like.  I have always felt a strong disconnection between my body and my mind. My mind is strong, my body is weak. 
 

This isn't about hate though, this is about love.  I don't hate my entire body, I don't know if that is entirely possible. Even at my lowest of lows, when poked and prodded I could eventually come up with something that I liked.  As I have gotten older, I have realised the strenght that my body has. The things that I have put it through and it's come through the other side virtually unscathed.  Every weekend I thank my liver for being a fucking trooper.  That bastard puts up with a bashing!
 

I have lived through OD's that if left untreated could have done severe damage, drank things that were intended for cleaning purposes only and still my body is reasonably ok. I have reflux that hurts like a bitch when I forget my meds but other than that, it's doing ok.  I had someone lace my drink with turps and yet all I felt was a couple of cramps. Like I said my body has copped a hiding.  It still does the stuff I want it to do! It might put up a hell of a protest but we get there in the end.
 

I have cut it, burnt it and scratched at it.  I have tried to destroy my body in any way I could. Still it's here, doing the shit it's supposed to do.  It might not look the way that I want it to look. Does anyones?
 

I birthed a mother fucking baby out of my body.  I felt like a beach ball with legs, and still my body did everything that it needed to do.  It created this little Devil Spawn. It was amazing and scary all at the same time but my body did it.
 

Do you love your body? Has it kept you in awe at the amazing things it can do?
 

Link up for #RCThursdays below.  This is the last one for the year so lets go out with a bang :)

Blame Game

The trouble when you have to do a life cull is that you really notice the shitty behaviour of people that you surround yourself with.  It makes you wonder what on earth possessed you to become friends in the first place, to allow these people into the inner sanctum that is your friendship circle.
 

Over the last few months I have been conflicted about an issue. An issue that I have talked at length with friends and family about.  An issue that just won't go away.  An issue that stares me in the face every single day.  That's the trouble with living in a town where everyone seems to know everyone.  This issue looks me in the face every time I look at Devil Spawn and think what could have happened.  How I wish that I had done things differently that night.  Woulda, shoulda, coulda. Something that I am struggling with immensly is that MY son was placed in danger but I am being painted the bad guy.
 

I am protecting my son from influences that I do not want him in contact with but I am being painted as dividing a family.  Devil Spawn is not an adult, he needs to be protected.  Contrary to what others think, he was not able to consent to the situation he was placed in.  The adults in the situation had the choice to go anywhere else and do what they did, instead they chose to do it on my son's bed, while he was asleep.  I don't care how intoxicated they think they were, what they did is wrong.  I am not to blame.
It's amazing when someone does something wrong that their friends take on a mob mentality.  The internet allows this to happen. It's easy to get caught up in the ebb and flow of a situation.  Ease of access to the internet means that it's hard to escape it. It can be in your face constantly.  The trouble with a mob mentality is that there is always one person singled out. I have been witness to this over and over again. It was only when it happened to me that I noticed the effects it can have on someone.  Hindsight can be a bitch. 
 

When we do something wrong, the adult thing is to apologise. To realise what we did wrong and apologise. Unfortunately not everyone thinks this way.  Some people enjoy playing the blame game.  It's something we do as children, but hopefully, by the time we are adults have developed enough morals to apologise when we realise we have done something wrong or we are pulled up on actions that are offensive to others.  The trouble with the blame game is that it doesn't help anyone, especially you.  It doesn't help anyone move on, and more often than not it alienates you from those around you.  Accepting what you did and concentrating on not making the mistakes again is sometimes all that you can do. 
 

However sometimes there is nothing you can do..some people have what I have coined the 'Victim Syndrome'.  If there is anyway for them to play the victim, they will take it and run with it.  I have talked before about how me being suicidal and not on correct medication led to me holding up a chemist.  At no point did I say that what I did was right. I realised and still realise that what I did was wrong and that I was very lucky to get the sentence that I did.  I work to make sure that I do not get back to a place where I feel that desperate again.  I try not to just lay down and admit defeat because I have a little person who is relying on me to keep going. 

What do you really wish for?

I'm joining in with #reverb12 Today's prompt is: What do you really wish for? 

This one has taken me all day to think about. I really don't know if I am any closer to having a clue, so I am just going to type and hopefully I will come up with an answer by the end of the post. So hang on tight for the random ramblings that has been my brain today. 

When someone asks me what I want my mind always goes blank. I can never think of anything. Even for things as simple as a birthday present. It is kind of like the age old, so tell me about yourself...ah well yeh I'm a woman and that's as far as I usually get. When thinking about what I really wish for, nothing seemed 'big' enough, significant enough. Everything felt like it was trivial and small.

Of course we all think of the world peace and end world hunger but I felt like this had to be something personal. Something selfish and just for me. We all wish for happiness for ourselves and for our family but that felt too mainstream. I needed something tangible, something that didn't feel so whimsicle. I didn't know whether to think of something that at this point in time was out of my reach (mansion anyone?) or whether to have something that was a little more attainable. Whether I should think of something I could achieve in 2013 or something that was going to take a lot longer than that. Something that would take one big effort and be done with or something that would require ongoing work. That's when it hit me. 

I knew exactly what I wanted to wish for. My mojo and my enthusiasm for life. It will need a lot of work but it will be worth it in the end. It's something that will have a flow on effect to all parts of my life. At the moment it requires a lot of effort just to get out of bed in the mornings. There is no energy or motivation left for anything else. My energy comes in small bursts and I try to take advantage of it. These bursts seem to be few and far between. Tomorrow is my first appointment with a new psychologist. I am hoping that it will be the first step towards getting my mojo back.

I still feel like a child playing dress up

Over the weekend a parody hashtag was created on twitter called #fakemamamia. I personally thought it was hilarious. It bought together many like minded women who weren’t afraid to laugh at a situation and who realised that being a mum wasn’t all sunshine and lollipops and shit.  What was created from this hashtag was Unreal Women. The start of a woman's online mag that was breaking the norm. Until the mainstream got a hold of it.  Sadly it’s over before it even began. All over a typo. Seriously.  Death threats were sent. Seriously.

Where I am going with this is that the following post was a submission I made to be included in the mag. The mag is no longer going ahead but I wanted to help tell it’s story.  To show the damage that can be done.  

I'm 24. I have been living out on my own for the last five years. Yet I am still waiting for someone to come along and tell me they caught me out, that I'm just pretending.  I don't feel like a real grown up.

When I was little I always loved bags. I still do and get a new one every couple of months. If my bank account allowed it I think I would get a new one every month.  One thing I always dreamed about when I was little was that I would have enough 'stuff' for a 'proper' handbag.  You know all the 'grown up' stuff that we see our mums stuff their bag with.  I now have the oversized handbag, complete with all the stuff. I still feel like a child playing dress up.

I always buy organisers when I get the chance. I love stationary and have way too much of it.  The diary is another thing that I saw as a 'grown up' thing.  I couldn't wait to be old enough to fill it with all of the activities I would do. All of the appointments I would be attending. The outings I would be invited to.  I have those things. I still feel like a child playing dress up.

As a female, the go to present is smelly stuff. I have enough lotions and potions to sink a battle ship.  I wear perfume every day. It's another thing that I equate with being a 'grown up'. You have places to be so you need to smell pretty.  'Grown up' things.  I still feel like a child playing dress up.

I always had a large collection of hand me down make up when I was growing up. I would sit in my room trying on different colours.  When I feel like being 'pretty' I put make up on. Sometimes it's for a night out. Other times it's to just do the grocery shopping.  I use foundation, mascara and lipstick. I'm not particularly good at applying it. I still feel like a child playing dress up.

Growing up I would fantasize about making my own home. I would think about all the stuff that I would buy and fill my house with.  I would picture all of the things I would use to decorate and how I could finally be able to display all of the ornaments I had collected.  I have all of that. I have so much stuff. My house is set up into a little home. It's not perfect but it's mine. I still feel like a child playing dress up.

Unlike other little girls, I never dreamed about having kids. They just didn't factor into my future plans.  I now have a 3 year old son.  He depends on me for everything and loves me to death. I teach him things without even realising it, I'm moulding a little human being. I still feel like a child playing dress up.

My whole life feels pretty surreal to me most days. I try not to think too far ahead or I get overwhelmed. I do things my way. Not everyone agrees with it, but I speak my mind.  I might feel like a child playing dress up but I'm an adult who's learning to cope in the big bad world.

Linking up with Essentially Jess for IBOT.

Hindsight

Unfortunately sometimes in life it takes a big event for people to show their true colours.  It can feel like a slap in the face and hindsight is a bitch.
 

It can really be a knock to your self esteem.  I've started to wonder if it's something I do that attracts these kind of people.  The kind of people who will hug you with one hand and stab you in the back with the other.  Do I invite these people or am I just not perceptive enough to see the true colours that lurk beneath the surface? Or are these people so cunning that they hide their true colours until a situation arises that forces their real personality to the surface?
 

For the duration of 2012 I have been an angry ball of fury.  Everyone and everything got on my nerves.  Life became an unbearable pit of anger. I hated leaving the house because everything pissed me off and I was constantly on edge.  A scowl was a permanent fixture on my face and I wasn't very approachable.  I thought I needed new meds.  I think a lot of it was down to the fact that I was in fact surrounded by arseholes.
 

I've had a facebook acc since 2007. It wasn't until this year that it started to become more of a burden than a help.  It made me paranoid and untrusting as knives were coming from every direction and I didn't know who was throwing them.  It revealed it's underbelly of gossip and back stabbing behaviour and I didn't like it.  I spent more time worrying and talking about the latest drama that had happened on facebook instead of focusing on my own life and bettering myself. 
 

Then a few weeks ago an incident happened.  An incident that I do not wish to go into detail about on here because I am trying to put it behind me and not dwell on it anymore.  My group of friends were supportive during this time...until some of them weren't.  Actions started to become underhanded and immoral behaviours were expected to be forgiven and forgotten.  It wasn't that simple, it's never that simple.  A small group began to form who supported and excused the incident.  Saying that I didn't know the full story, despite me being the only person in the group who was there when the incident occured.  It all came to a head and I thought fuck it and did a friends list cull.
 

The weight off my shoulders and out of my mind was immense. I left mutual groups, so had no reason to interact at all.  I suddenly felt my brow start to uncrease.  I felt my shoulders to to unhunch.  I felt the ball of fury becoming smaller as each day passed.  Facebook has become a safe haven again. It has become somewhere that I can vent and talk to my friends withouth having to worry about a game of chinese whispers. 
 

So before you decide that you are an angry person with a problem or a person deserving of the treatment they receive, first make sure that the people you are surrounding yourself with aren't putting those behaviours in your psyche.  Be who you are and you will find people who let your real personality and nature shine. 

Bygones

Sometimes I wonder if it is my twisted perception of interpersonal relationships that makes it hard to make and keep friendships.  Other times I wonder if it's just because other people are stupid.

As I have gotten older, I become more aware of my actions and thoughts.  The thin line between my brain and my mouth closes and I think about what I say to others.  I have clear retrospection...or so I like to think.

The last six months have really made me more aware of how my actions have an impact on others.  How not everyone is straight up and honest.

Facebook has made me paranoid.  There is so many she said, she said, that you wonder who to trust.  You get stepped on and pushed over so much that you begin to question humanity's integrity.  You wonder what goes through people's heads and who is the crazy person.

In the end though all you can do is act how you will always act and hope that you will attract others who feel/think in similar ways.  Tell the truth and be up front.  Never say anything on the internet that you wouldn't to their face.  Living like this might get you 'haters' but it will also get you friends who 'get you'

Prey of Fear

We were watching Ice Age: The Meltdown for the 500th time this week and something Sid said to Diego really struck a cord with me.  I had an 'aha' moment.

Sid: I'm just trying to help you get over your fear of the water. 
Diego: Fear is for prey. 
Sid: Then that means the water has made you its prey. 

Did you know that 10% of Australians will be affected by an anxiety disorder at some point during their life.  An anxiety disorder is a little more than just being scared of something. Anxiety can be crippling for a sufferer.

According to Anxiety Australia physical symptoms of an Anxiety Disorder can include:

Blushing
Sweating
Shaking/trembling
Dizziness
Tachycardia, rapid heartbeat
Muscle tension
Nausea
Numbness or tingling in arms, hands  or legs
Diarrhoea
Headaches
Butterflies in the stomach

Are you becoming prey to your fear? 

Beyond Blue has some great resources and information on helplines to help you conquer the fear.

So you can be just like Diego

 

 

FLYing

This week I was told about FLYlady and her shining sink philosophy.  I have to admit I was sceptical at first.  How can having a shiny sink help anything or anyone.  I have been surprised.  Pleasantly.

So what exactly is the point of this you ask? The website states

Are YOU living in CHAOS (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) like Franny in the pink sweats? Do you feel overwhelmed, overextended, and overdrawn? Hopeless and you don’t know where to start? Don’t worry friend, we’ve been there, too.

Step through the door and follow FlyLady as she weaves her way through housecleaning and organizing tips with homespun humor, daily musings about life and love, the Sidetracked Home Executives (SHE) system, and anything else that is on her mind.

I'm on Day 3 and I have to say I am feeling much more positive about the space I am in.  I am feeling motivated and am actually getting things done.  My house still looks like a bomb site mostly BUT it's getting cleaned properly bit by bit along with general upkeep.  

Another question. What exactly does having a shiny sink have to do with all of this.  It's simple.

This is your first household chore. Many of you can’t understand why I want you to empty your sink of your dirty dishes and clean and shine it when there is so much more to do. It is so simple; I want you to have a sense of accomplishment! You have struggled for years with a cluttered home and you are so beaten down. I just want to put a smile on your face. When you get up the next morning, your sink will greet you, and a smile will come across your lovely face. I can’t be there to give you a big hug, but I know how good it feels to see yourself in your kitchen sink. So each morning, this is my gift to you. Even though I can’t be there to pat you on the back, I want you to know that I am very proud of you.

Go shine your sink!

- FlyLady

(Taken from FLYlady)

Coming out the last few mornings to a beautiful clean kitchen has been great. It's put a surprising spring in my step.  

My next stop? Decluttering.

This is one of my worst 'hot spots'. It's time to change that.  Dyllan and I rarely eat dinner at the table.  Something that also needs to change.  I think that because I haven't 'needed' to keep this space clear then it's been able to build up to this level.  

I just have no idea where to put all the shit.....

Life Lessons

During one of my many inpatient stays in 2007 one of the nurses sat me down to share with me his Life Lessons.  I am so glad that he wrote them down as there was no way that I was in the right frame of mind to take it on board.  Times like this I’m also glad I am a bit of a hoarder so I still have the book it is written in.

I was in a pretty bad place and I didn’t care about myself or anyone around me. I just wanted out and I wanted out now.  This compassionate nurse was one of many who tried to reach me and I will be forever grateful.

Lesson 1

All humans have a fundamental goal to be happy.  I can be happy.  

Lesson 2

I can recognise that the people in my life also have a goal to be happy.  Therefore we must be flexible, negotiate, compromise, collaborate and cooperate.  We all deserve to have life = win/win not lose/lose or win/lose.

Lesson 3 

I must not carry baggage from my past.  It is not hat happened to me that counts just my reaction that matters.

Lesson 4 

Keep life simple. Do not complicate life by overloading, creating conflict and trying to meet the expectations of others.  

Lesson 5

Be like the water not the rock.

Be flexible, tolerant and accept change.

I be enlightened (know the truth) closes your mind to all other possibilities.

Nothing is certain

Nothing is forever

No one has all the answers.

I still struggle daily with lesson 3 and 5.  I have a horribly good memory for all things negative.  They eat away at me every second of the day.  

One rule that he didn’t write down but I still remember is to removed the word ‘should’ from your vocabulary.  The word ‘should’ promotes guilt and a feeling of negative self worth.  

Do you have any life lessons? What’s one rule you have for yourself that you will never compromise on?

Deprivation

Over the course of my obsession with food and weightloss, I think that I have read just about all literature and heard every line about how to achieve wellness.  A comment today sat me on my arse and made me think hmmmm.

What was that comment you ask? It was a reply to a post on an online forum about healthy eating that told the poster if she wanted to ensure her diet was healthy, then she needed to go through her cupboard and fridge and throw out the junk.  That wasn't the mind blowing statement.  This was: If you think it's bad for you, then you shouldn't be giving it to your kids either.

MIND BLOWN

We have it ingrained into our head that the kids need to eat healthy blah blah blah but whenever mummy or daddy goes on a diet, they don't eat the same food because we don't want to have to 'punish' them or deprive them of anything.  

I ask you this however.  What are you really depriving them of?

By removing junk food as a staple food item you are depriving them of the likely hood of being an overweight adult, of having high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes 2, heart attack...the list goes on. 

Doesn't seem so bad now does it?

Maybe it IS helping

I had a bit of an 'aha' moment last week after my case manager appointment.  It kind of kicked me in the guts and made me realise what is really going on.

What if, what they are doing is actually helpful? The previous ones not so much but maybe the new one.  Sleeping during an appointment is never helpful....unless it's a sleep study and even then it should be me asleep not them.

What has made me come to this conclusion you ask? It kind of hit me when I was actually open at the last appointment.  Instead of letting me wallow, she told me I was doing fine and talking me through what I should do if the situations arise again.  This is what 'therapy' is about.  

I was so caught up in how horrible I felt and how horrible I am that I forget the good stuff that had happened and that I had done.  She reminded me of that, without being condescending or brushing the issue off.  

I think that, that has been the issue in the past, I have felt that by saying I am doing well that they are brushing it off.  Not the new one.  She acknowledges what I am feeling and then reminds me of the 'truth' of the situation.  

Now if only she could be more reliable on the contact front we would have a perfect case manager.