Obsession

I've talked before about my struggles with food. Food and I have never had a good relationship.  I could list reason after reason, point to some obscure moment in my childhood where it all started but that's not what this is about. No, this is about obsession and the hold it takes over you.
 

I can't really pinpoint the moment when it turned from flirting to obsession. It was so subtle I hardly noticed the change.  Eating 'normally' was never something that I did. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I swing between eating nothing and eating all of the food in sight.  Which is probably why my weight yo-yos so much.  Disordered eating is that one step up, it's when it turns to obsession.
 

I hadn't regularly eaten lunch at school since I was 14, the year I turned 17 however it got 'serious'.  It started off as a 'health kick'.  Adding exercise to my routine. Then it wasn't enough. The food got less, the exercise got more. The weight started to drop off. School work suffered. I honestly have no idea how I managed to graduate.
An obsession consumes you. There is no room for anything else. 

You are exhausted all of the time, you pull away from friends.  I became my obsession. Every waking minute was filled with thoughts about much had I eaten, how much exercise I was going to do, when the next time I was going to eat.  Even though I had ridiculously reduced my calorie intake, my thoughts were still obsessed with food. I would allow myself one thing to eat a day. I would spend hours thinking about what that one piece of food could be.
 

I rarely slept. If I ate too much I needed to punish myself.  Too much could be an apple. I knew the calorie value of a food by just looking at it. My math skills greatly improved, pity I didn't use them for my schooling. I might have done much better.  Anything above 6 hours sleep during the week and I was doing well. No wonder I was a bundle of nerves.  Going off at the slightest thing.  My body was starving of all the essentials it needed and all I saw was things to make me push harder. 
 

It seemed to end as soon as it started. Sneaking away like a thief in the night. 

Linking up with #IBOT

How do you dine?

When you sit down to eat a meal, how do you eat?  Do you eat because it's simply a fuel, a sustenance that must be eaten as quickly as possible in order to get back to your life? Or do you like to sit and enjoy the flavours, let them roll across your tongue and enjoy each burst?  Are you distracted, doing 100 things as once while shoveling food in because it's 'time' to eat? Or do you try to make time to sit down and take a bite at a time, eating until you are full and no more?
 

Did you know that the French can spend hours eating one meal.  To the French a meal is about sharing conversation, enjoying each morsel of food and savouring the time they are spending together.  Dining is an experience, something that is to be enjoyed and shared with the ones you love.  Food is not simply a fuel, it is a way of life.  Food is intertwined into their life. However not in the way that other cultures (Australians included) center around the over consumption of processed and sugar rich foods.  The French rarely have processed food, the food is all about fresh produce and making things from scratch.   

When it is Devil Spawn and I at home, my dinner is usually consumed in front of the tv and computer. I hardly notice what I am eating and no doubt this has contributed to my weight gain.  On daycare days I usually only eat dinner as I just couldn't be bothered to eat lunch when it is just me at home. I have gotten to the point now that I can't sit and do one thing at a time.  The only time that I sit down to watch a movie without being on some form of social media is when my phone is flat or I am at the movies.  It doesn't make for a very enjoyable dining experience. It is nothing more than a 'it's dinner time' experience.
 

However when we go out to dinner as a family it is a whole different experience.  We usually get an entree or bread of some description and we actually talk, you know the real kind of talk that isn't just about crap.  We discuss the food, the atmosphere and how the textures make us feel.  When we order our mains we discuss and contemplate what we want. There is no rash decisions.  It must be painful for other people when they dine with us but we don't care.  We usually can't decide between two meals, so we order both and share. We make our dinner a sharing experience, we talk about the foods.  We take the time to enjoy the food and the flavours that go into making the food what it is.  It truly is a wonderful experience. Something that I really feel like we need to incorporate into our every meal.
 

How do you dine? Are you an eat and dash or do you savour the food?

Linking up with Grace from With Some Grace for Flog Your Blog Friday

FFS Friday First for 2013!

FFS Friday time again!  The holidays give ample opportunity for plenty of FFS moments.
It has been ridiculously hot here this week. Looking at the weather forecast you would think that the temperatures aren't too bad but we live in Rockhampton. The humidity fucks you over. I have sweat pouring off me at 9am in the morning FFS
I stupidly bought Play-doh for Devil Spawn for Christmas.  There is play doh smushed into my rug. The only piece of carpet in the whole house FFS
I hung my washing out at night in the hope that I wouldn't be so hot.  It was just as bad, there was just no sun FFS
I've been unsuccessfully trying to get Devil Spawn to use the toilet instead of his potty. He is fine using it for wee. Poo not so much. I usually know he's done one only after gettting knocked out by the smell of a giant log left in the potty. How can a small child smell so bad FFS
I still haven't unpacked from our trip out west. It was nearly two weeks ago FFS
I went for a walk yesterday. I don't know what was worse, pushing the 19kg Devil Spawn or having to answer his commentary on the surroundings FFS
I stupidly went at 3pm FFS
I made a 'resolution' to drink more water. Devil Spawn keeps taking the bottles out of the fridge taking one sip then leaving them somewhere so every time I go to have a drink there is nothing cold FFS
Devil Spawn has gone right back into the sleeping dodging. Wednesday night it was 1030pm before he went to sleep. I of course then couldn't switch off after dealing with and didn't get to sleep until 2am. He was up for the day at 7am. FFS
 

I took Devil Spawn to see Wreck it Ralph on New Years day. He was so well behaved, which is more than I can say for the teenagers sitting near us. If I can keep my hyper 3yo quiet I am sure you can manage to keep your trap shut for 2 hours FFS.
 

Devil Spawn has gotten a few puzzles lately. He got one from Santa when he got his photo taken...it is unbelievable hard and I am contemplating throwing it in the bin FFS
 

I have lived in just my underwear for the last few days. Pity it's not socially acceptable to go out like that FFS
 

What's been pissing you off this week? Let me know in the comments! If you have a blog then head over to Dear Baby G and link up with your FFS for the week.

Healthy Me

I've decided that things need to change around here. I'm not going to make the usual 'I am going to lose x amount of kilos', only to feel guilty in a weeks time when I am stuffing my face with food I told myself I wasn't going to eat. 
 

This year is going to be different. This year I am aiming for health instead.  Losing weight will be just one of the bonus'. Physically my body is feeling the effects of my not giving a damn. My hair is dry and frizzy, my skin is forever in a state of break outs, my nails are growing at a snails pace, my energy levels are lacking.  I go to bed feeling crap, I wake up feeling crap. It is a giant rut and I am stuck right in the middle of it. 
 

This year instead of being a year of cycles of deprivation, followed by guilt when I 'give in', I am going to follow my body.  Eat healthy but not deprive myself. Live realistically. Everyone is different and I know for myself, the minute I say that there will be 'no more (instert food here)' that is the exact food that I crave.  I won't be following any fad diets. I will just be getting back to basics.
 

This year I am starting from the inside and then the effects will show on the outside.  Every time I go to my GP and she does my iron it is always ridiculously low, I need to start taking Iron supplements, as well as multivitamin.  Filling in the deficits that I know are there, getting energy back that I used to have.  Drinking more water, flushing out my system from the sugars and chemicals of months of drinking nothing but cordial and soft drink. 
 

This year I will become more involved. Working my way back up to being active like I once once.  Pushing for the endorphins that exercise gives.  Enjoying being in the outdoors again. Becoming involved with actually playing with Devil Spawn.  Working towards a better fitness level.  Allowing myself the opportunity to feel good physically again. 
 

This year I won't be getting caught up in the details. I will be taking it a day at a time, moment by moment. I won't be leaving things until tomorrow because tomorrow never comes.  Seizing the moment, no matter how strange it feels. Using my energy to it's advantage.  Getting back into a routine.  Fixing what needs fixing and moving on.  Letting go of the negative and allowing the positive to flow through.
 

What have you decided needs to change in your life? Are you already making steps or are you waiting for the tomorrow that never comes?
 

What are you waiting for? Seize the moment, you never know when it will come again.

Linking up with Jess for #IBOT 

Monday Menu Plan

I am a rebel at heart and it seems whenever I decide something that I am going to cook that week/day, my good old brain goes nah I don't want to do that now. Yeh it's heaps of fun.  So to combat that, I just put together 7 meals and have them on whatever day I want.  

Here, in no particular order is my Meal Plan for the week.

Mac and Cheese. I add sausages or sometimes Chicken to this to give it the protein serving. Pasta is always a winner with Devil Spawn.

Bangers and Mash. 

Honey Chicken. Devil Spawn loves these kind of "noonals"and they are super quick and easy to make.  Definitely a winner when cooking.

Spag Bog. I pack this full of veggies and Devil Spawn is none the wiser.  He scoffs it like there is no tomorrow.

Lamb Chops and Veggies

Home Made Chicken Nuggets and Chips. I puree veggies and chicken together to make these.  I also add spices into the bread crumbs and they are divine. I usually make a big batch and freeze the rest, putting them into serving sizes in resealable bags.

Homemade Pizza and Garlic Bread. I make these pizzas using wraps.  I put whatever left over veggies and meat I have left on them.  Devil Spawn loves helping to make the pizzas.

What's on your menu this week?

Life Lessons

During one of my many inpatient stays in 2007 one of the nurses sat me down to share with me his Life Lessons.  I am so glad that he wrote them down as there was no way that I was in the right frame of mind to take it on board.  Times like this I’m also glad I am a bit of a hoarder so I still have the book it is written in.

I was in a pretty bad place and I didn’t care about myself or anyone around me. I just wanted out and I wanted out now.  This compassionate nurse was one of many who tried to reach me and I will be forever grateful.

Lesson 1

All humans have a fundamental goal to be happy.  I can be happy.  

Lesson 2

I can recognise that the people in my life also have a goal to be happy.  Therefore we must be flexible, negotiate, compromise, collaborate and cooperate.  We all deserve to have life = win/win not lose/lose or win/lose.

Lesson 3 

I must not carry baggage from my past.  It is not hat happened to me that counts just my reaction that matters.

Lesson 4 

Keep life simple. Do not complicate life by overloading, creating conflict and trying to meet the expectations of others.  

Lesson 5

Be like the water not the rock.

Be flexible, tolerant and accept change.

I be enlightened (know the truth) closes your mind to all other possibilities.

Nothing is certain

Nothing is forever

No one has all the answers.

I still struggle daily with lesson 3 and 5.  I have a horribly good memory for all things negative.  They eat away at me every second of the day.  

One rule that he didn’t write down but I still remember is to removed the word ‘should’ from your vocabulary.  The word ‘should’ promotes guilt and a feeling of negative self worth.  

Do you have any life lessons? What’s one rule you have for yourself that you will never compromise on?

Deprivation

Over the course of my obsession with food and weightloss, I think that I have read just about all literature and heard every line about how to achieve wellness.  A comment today sat me on my arse and made me think hmmmm.

What was that comment you ask? It was a reply to a post on an online forum about healthy eating that told the poster if she wanted to ensure her diet was healthy, then she needed to go through her cupboard and fridge and throw out the junk.  That wasn't the mind blowing statement.  This was: If you think it's bad for you, then you shouldn't be giving it to your kids either.

MIND BLOWN

We have it ingrained into our head that the kids need to eat healthy blah blah blah but whenever mummy or daddy goes on a diet, they don't eat the same food because we don't want to have to 'punish' them or deprive them of anything.  

I ask you this however.  What are you really depriving them of?

By removing junk food as a staple food item you are depriving them of the likely hood of being an overweight adult, of having high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes 2, heart attack...the list goes on. 

Doesn't seem so bad now does it?

Self Harm Awareness Day

March the 1st, is Self Injury Awareness day. Everyone knows someone who self harms or has self harmed in the past. Show your support and wear or draw an orange ribbon to show your awareness. Self harm isn't a joke, it's a coping mechanism and can be a symptom of other mental health problems. Smile at someone, it could make their day.

The website Responsibility defines the act of self harm as: 'behavior of deliberately causing oneself pain or injury.' 

Today is a day set aside to raise awareness of self harm.  Self harm is such a taboo subject that spreading awareness of this struggle that many people face every single day. Self harm isn't a failed suicide attempt.    

Facing up to an Emergency Department after an episode of self harm borders on terrifying.  You never quite know the reception you are going to receive.  It could be revulsion, scorn or if you are lucky compassion.  An article in the European Journal of Emergency Medicine states 

'Staff in the emergency departments of hospitals are reported as being negative or ambivalent toward suicidal or self-harming individuals. According to the literature, these patients are subjected to stigmatization and lack of empathy. This phenomenon has been linked to a decreased quality of care offered to these individuals and to missing an important opportunity to prevent further suicidal behavior or repetition of deliberate self-harm'

If this is how 'professionals' treat people who self harm...then the general uneducated public can only be thought to be worse.

For me self harm is like an addiction.  It's like any coping mechanism that we develop, we fall back to it when familiar obstacles present themselves.  The hard part is replacing these behaviours with something positive.  Something that gives the same 'rush' because for me that is what is was.  It made me feel when everything else was numb.

If you or someone you know self harms please get help.  It might not provide an instant cure but it's the first step in releasing the grip that self harm has.

This was such a great support for me as a teen: http://self-injury.net/

Check out these websites for more info:

Lifeline

Beyond Blue

Kids Help Line

If you have self harmed please seek medical treatment at your nearest Emergency Department.

Fuckitol

Today I need a big dose of this....

Everything is compounding and it feels as though nothing is going the way it is supposed to.  I sit in the house because I can't be bothered putting on a smile to face the world.  I make plans because I know that staying stuck in my house doesn't do anyone any favours but I pull out at the last minute because I work myself up about it too much.

I finally worked up the courage to ring my case manager, after talking about it extensively with one of my best friends...only to have her not call me back.  I got a phone call two days later to say that she was on holidays, had been all week and wouldn't be back until Monday... I am at a loss as to why the receptionist didn't mention this.  I hate the public health system.

Major is frustrated at me because I won't just 'perk' up.  He of all people should know that it isn't that easy.  Mixed all up with that is anger and frustration.  I want to just get off this damn roller coaster called life.  I'm done.  My case manager will ask me if I feel safe....I have no idea

This sounds familar

Here we are again.  I'm trying really hard to not make this into a  'resolution' thing because I am doing this for longer than that.  Christmas binging hit hard and 4kg found it's way back to me.  The realisation came when I put on my 'fat' pants and they were tight.

TIME TO DO SOMETHING SISTER.

I'm doing one of those controversial 'shake diets' and not really telling anyone in my 'weightloss circle' about it.  I spoke of an interest to do it a few months ago and was met with 'it won't last', 'you can't keep the weight off' blah blah blah.  My answer: I'm doing what works for my situation and at the moment, having meal replacement shakes is it.

I'm a pretty lazy person (ha! there's the understatement of the year) and that usually leads me to either not eat because I couldn't be bothered making anything or eat crappy zap in the microwave foods.  At least with a shake, it's easy AND will help with weight loss.  

So starting tomorrow I'm going to weigh in, measure up and start again.  I will try not to have an negative emotions towards the number that is going to be on that scale...instead think of the steps I am taking to reduce that number.

Next week I restart at the gym and getting back into my routine again.  Holidays are over and it's time to get real.

Wish me luck!

AHHHHHHH

I'm stressed...when I stress I revert back to old habits.  Habits I thought I had kicked.  Habits I am not proud of.  Habits I don't speak of....until now

When I started this blog I wanted to be open and honest in creating a snap shot into my life...even if that is always sunshine, lollipops and all that other fucking shit.

My first port of call in the stress express is retreatment...retreating into myself and having no motivation or energy to do the everyday tasks.  

Second stop is 'negative coping mechanisms' a lovely term for 'shit you really shouldn't do'.  Since having Mini Man cutting hasn't made an appearance on the stress express but other mechanisms have.  Hello getting plastered aka social norm coping mechanism.  Then there is not so social norm coping mechanism.  Binging and Purging.

Since starting this challenge I have really struggled to keep myself in check.  After downing multiple laxatives for weeks on end, going cold turkey was fucking hard.  The urge to binge has been ever present and today I gave in....gave in bad.  It's a good thing I have no laxatives in the house.  

I'm trying desperately to keep myself in check and not let my emotions get the better of me.  I'm sucking it princess....

Hello my name is...

Hello my name is Teegs and I am a daily weigher.  *Hi Teegs*

Thanks to my disordered eating past I have gotten into the addiction habit of weighing myself daily, multiple times a day.

I justified it to myself by telling myself that I was doing it to keep myself in 'check'.  All it was doing was making me unhappy.  After seeing the number go up I would mope on the couch eating chocolate.  

The truth is daily weighing has never been helpful....no matter how many times I told myself it was.  When I was in the midst of my disordered eating, seeing the number bigger the next morning would prompt me to eat less and exercise more.

This week I made it my goal to only weigh in next week when our official weigh in for the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation.  

It's a lot harder than I thought.  I didn't realise how ingrained it is.  I had to hide my scales because it was such a habit that I jumped on them, that I did it without thinking.

I didn't realise how anxious it would make me feel too.  Even though I know that I am sticking to the meal plan and exercising I am still worried about the result.  

So here's to sticking it out for another 5 days and not caving in.  To all the daily weighers, stop telling yourself it is helping if it really isn't, bite the bullet and stop weighing yourself daily.