Obsession

I've talked before about my struggles with food. Food and I have never had a good relationship.  I could list reason after reason, point to some obscure moment in my childhood where it all started but that's not what this is about. No, this is about obsession and the hold it takes over you.
 

I can't really pinpoint the moment when it turned from flirting to obsession. It was so subtle I hardly noticed the change.  Eating 'normally' was never something that I did. I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I swing between eating nothing and eating all of the food in sight.  Which is probably why my weight yo-yos so much.  Disordered eating is that one step up, it's when it turns to obsession.
 

I hadn't regularly eaten lunch at school since I was 14, the year I turned 17 however it got 'serious'.  It started off as a 'health kick'.  Adding exercise to my routine. Then it wasn't enough. The food got less, the exercise got more. The weight started to drop off. School work suffered. I honestly have no idea how I managed to graduate.
An obsession consumes you. There is no room for anything else. 

You are exhausted all of the time, you pull away from friends.  I became my obsession. Every waking minute was filled with thoughts about much had I eaten, how much exercise I was going to do, when the next time I was going to eat.  Even though I had ridiculously reduced my calorie intake, my thoughts were still obsessed with food. I would allow myself one thing to eat a day. I would spend hours thinking about what that one piece of food could be.
 

I rarely slept. If I ate too much I needed to punish myself.  Too much could be an apple. I knew the calorie value of a food by just looking at it. My math skills greatly improved, pity I didn't use them for my schooling. I might have done much better.  Anything above 6 hours sleep during the week and I was doing well. No wonder I was a bundle of nerves.  Going off at the slightest thing.  My body was starving of all the essentials it needed and all I saw was things to make me push harder. 
 

It seemed to end as soon as it started. Sneaking away like a thief in the night. 

Linking up with #IBOT

FFS Friday First for 2013!

FFS Friday time again!  The holidays give ample opportunity for plenty of FFS moments.
It has been ridiculously hot here this week. Looking at the weather forecast you would think that the temperatures aren't too bad but we live in Rockhampton. The humidity fucks you over. I have sweat pouring off me at 9am in the morning FFS
I stupidly bought Play-doh for Devil Spawn for Christmas.  There is play doh smushed into my rug. The only piece of carpet in the whole house FFS
I hung my washing out at night in the hope that I wouldn't be so hot.  It was just as bad, there was just no sun FFS
I've been unsuccessfully trying to get Devil Spawn to use the toilet instead of his potty. He is fine using it for wee. Poo not so much. I usually know he's done one only after gettting knocked out by the smell of a giant log left in the potty. How can a small child smell so bad FFS
I still haven't unpacked from our trip out west. It was nearly two weeks ago FFS
I went for a walk yesterday. I don't know what was worse, pushing the 19kg Devil Spawn or having to answer his commentary on the surroundings FFS
I stupidly went at 3pm FFS
I made a 'resolution' to drink more water. Devil Spawn keeps taking the bottles out of the fridge taking one sip then leaving them somewhere so every time I go to have a drink there is nothing cold FFS
Devil Spawn has gone right back into the sleeping dodging. Wednesday night it was 1030pm before he went to sleep. I of course then couldn't switch off after dealing with and didn't get to sleep until 2am. He was up for the day at 7am. FFS
 

I took Devil Spawn to see Wreck it Ralph on New Years day. He was so well behaved, which is more than I can say for the teenagers sitting near us. If I can keep my hyper 3yo quiet I am sure you can manage to keep your trap shut for 2 hours FFS.
 

Devil Spawn has gotten a few puzzles lately. He got one from Santa when he got his photo taken...it is unbelievable hard and I am contemplating throwing it in the bin FFS
 

I have lived in just my underwear for the last few days. Pity it's not socially acceptable to go out like that FFS
 

What's been pissing you off this week? Let me know in the comments! If you have a blog then head over to Dear Baby G and link up with your FFS for the week.

The importance of sleep

Any parent will be able to recite to you the effects of sleep deprivation.  Whether it's a long term issue or one night after months of being a perfect sleeper, we've all felt it.  The term walking zombie comes to mind.
 

Sleep is so important to good mental health.  Of course it's always easier said than done.  When you have sole care of a small child, you can't just pop a sleeping pill and hope for the best.  At least not without knowing how well it works first.  The trouble with not being able to sleep is that for me it's often too late to even contemplate taking medication...I have enough trouble getting out of bed in the morning as it is.
 

A few years ago, before Devil Spawn came along, I couldn't sleep...for 5 days straight.  I laid in bed, closed my eyes and nothing happened....for 5 days.  I had been taken off all sedative medication and had no access to any.  I even tried alcohol and nothing happened.  My brain just refused to switch off. I was at a loss as to what to do.  On the 3rd night I went to A&E. After waiting for hours, I was told to go home, I was nothing but a drug chaser. If I was a drug chaser then I would have already slept...you know because I would have drugs.  Rinse and repeat for the next night.  Both nights I had to wait to see the psych team. Both nights I was accused of being a drug chaser. Both nights I was given nothing.  By this stage it was up to day 4.
 

I had called the Crisis Team, they told me to go to A&E, it was fruitless. I was at a loss as to what I could do.  My brain was refusing to switch off. My eyes burned from being open for 4 days. I was very close to snapping. I covered an entire wall in my room with paper and wrote ramblings, that spanned the whole wall. A kind of brain splatter on my wall. None of it made sense.  Still I couldn't sleep.
 

I had a small amount of hope (or I was a glutton for punishment) and went to the A&E again.  It was now day 5. I din't have much faith, but I needed sleep and I was willing to do anything at this point.  Anything legal that is.  I was in luck...the registrar who was on duty that night was someone who knew my history...something that the other doctor could have easily checked and seen that I have never had an issue with drugs.  He couldn't believe that I had been ignored so long.  He wanted to admit me, I just wanted to sleep, something that we all know doesn't happen too comfortably in a hospital bed.  He had no hesitation in giving me a wafer type medication to help me sleep. A wafer is a medication that dissolves as soon as it hits your tongue.  An easy way to avoid giving me a script, which is what the other doctor was apparently trying to avoid.
 

After 5 days, I sleep deeply and long.  I felt refreshed and like I had control over my body again. 
 

Snore Australia states the effects of chronic sleep deprivation as "feeling tired, irritability, slurred speech, blurred vision, memory loss, inability to concentrate, episodes of confusion, hallucinations, nausea, impotence and reduced sexual drive. "  They also state that extreme sleep deprivation can lead to psychosis.  Unfortunately the only way to 'fix' sleep deprivation is to sleep.  Something that can be easier said than done, especially when you add small children into the mix.
 

The website How Did You Sleep says that the importance for sleep to mental health is paramount. "Sleep allows the brain to take in new information and strengthen our memories.  The quality of your sleep can have a significant impact on your mood, energy level and ability to concentrate.  It can affect your work, cause relationship problems and make it difficult to complete simple tasks.  Sleep can also affect our mental wellbeing, immune system, and other health-related issues. It is crucial to our health that we learn to sleep well."
 

Do you have trouble with sleep? What do you do each night to ensure that you get a good nights sleep?
 

Linking up with Jess for #IBOT

Death by sleep deprivation

DS has been sleeping like an absolute shit head for the last seems like forever few months.  Most nights I wonder if he is trying to kill me by sleep deprivation.

Some places have been known to use sleep deprivation as a method of torture.  Mothers everywhere endure it all the time. We're told to take a cup of cement and suck it up.  We have to go about our day pretending that we are functioning human beings.  

Before DS I couldn't sleep for 5 days.  5 days of utter hell. 5 days of sandpaper eyes.  5 days of snapping psyche. 5 days of writing.  The only relief was a dr who finally believed me when I said I wasn't a drug chaser, I was just tired and couldn't sleep.  It had taken me 3 nights of sitting at ED, only to be told you are a drug addict, go away, to get to that point. I was delirious and probably looked like I was high as a kite.  

I can sometimes find myself returning to that state when we are surviving on 6 hours of broken sleep.  My psyche seems so much more fragile now.  The smallest thing makes me snap.  I can feel myself spiralling. I can feel myself wanting to run away.

DP told me on the weekend that I just need to calm the fuck down.  He doesn't have a clue what the shit I put up with on a regular basis is. He sees a snap shot.  His idea of 'helping' is playing with Dyllan while I do every-fucking-thing else.  I can't even have a shower on my own, ever.  DP complains that I don't let him go to the toilet by himself while we are at his place.  After I death stare him into the ground I utter 4 simple words. Welcome. To. My. World.

We are seeing a child health nurse who I am hoping will help us with the sleep dodging.  I'm willing to try anything at this stage.  Absolutely anything.

 

A day in the life

So today I decided to do a photo post of a day in the life of us. Hour by Hour.  It was heaps of fun and Devil Spawn loved posing for pics.

So we begin.

 Our day wonderfully started at 945am. DS slept with me.  I felt like I was sharing a bed with a mack truck...with octopus like tendencies.

10:30

 Being a responsible mother and preparing a lunch to take with us.  We are off on a bus ride to the beach and to see Devil Papa.

 At the bus stop and have all the essentials packed.  Obviously that includes a couple of monster trucks.

11:30

 We're on the road and off to the beach. Finally!

 Got a spare mil laying around? You too could own one of these.  It's just a pity that you have to live close to Bogan Town too.

 Watching the world go by.

 12:30

 Off the bus and picking up a few things at the shop before going to DP's work.

 I'm really thinking that it's time to whip out the old backpack harness again.  He's so fucking fast and I have no hope of catching him.  I also don't want to get knocked out when my ample bosom start bouncing around.

 1:30

 On the home stretch now. Nearly there. By this stage I'm ready to chop off my arms they hurt so much.

 DS spotted some cool mowers on our walk to DP work.

 DS is checking out the merchandise.  After this he tried brushing his hair with a wire brush. Oh yes he's a special one.

 Hiding.

 You can't see me mum.  I laughed so hard when I looked to see where he was hiding.

2:30

 DS always loves playing in DP work 'truck'.

 DP gets lollies with some of his deliveries so DS makes sure to raid them every time.

 Sword fights with a feather duster!

 Who knew there could be this many different kinds of screws.

 DP pulled out a blower for DS. He loved it. Especially as I had a flowy top on and he got to chase me with it.

  20 secs before this I was kneeling down and he blew me in the face.  He thought it was hilarious.

3:30

Waiting in the car for DP to finish and lock up.

 

4:30

Home again.  Slothing on the couch until it's time to cook dinner.

5:30

 Feeding time at the farm!

7:30

DS is in bed so it's time for some indulgence of Big Brother and a Violet Crumble.

Phew that took a hell of a lot longer than I anticipated but I had heaps of fun taking the pics.  Unfortunately even though I had my Big Brother and Violet Crumble fix at 730, DS is still awake and I'm dying in the arse fast.  
Here's to hoping he get's that feeling soon too!