Hiding in the quiet

Do you know what it's like to have too much noise in your head? When the world is too noisy and there is nothing you can do to quieten it?  You listen to music to try to block it all out, but it just makes you feel worse.  You feel agitated and messy. Nothing is right.  Everything is annoying.  You can't quite put your finger on what it is that is wrong.
 

The world is too hard, too harsh. It is easier to lock yourself away, to pretend it doesn't exist. You crave contact, but it's too much. You feel constantly on edge because you have concocted in your head a story that is more fantasy than fiction.  You imagine what everyone is thinking, saying. Laughter is meant for you, you become agitated, ready to snap at the first person who dares to look at you the wrong way. 
 

Waking is too hard. Your head is constantly heavy. It's easier to have your eyes closed. Easier to pretend that there is no one else there. Everyday is a blanket over your head kind of day. It feels too hard.  Simply getting out of bed feels like an effort. An effort that you struggle with.  An effort that you wonder if it's worth it. 
 

Have you walked on the beach, in the soft sand with thongs full of sand, up a hill? It's a struggle. Your body aches and you aren't sure if you can keep going.  That is what it's like everyday. Just when you think you are near the end, another hill appears. You want to give up but even that seems like too much effort. You look around, notice all of the mess piling up around you, knowing you should do something about it. Knowing that there is nothing that you could possibly do about it.
 

You can see the parts of your life that are suffering, know that there are things you should be doing.  You can't quite do it.  It's easier this way. But it's not.  Even keeping up a conversation is too much. You stay polite. Hiding away as soon as you get home. Keeping correspondence to messages and social media.  Plastering on a smile. Pretending you aren't dying inside.  

You want to walk away and never look back. Your finger is on the button. You want to make the call but know it will be pointless. Really. You need time out, time to gather yourself. Time where you don't have a little person to answer to. Time where you have no one but yourself to answer to. Time where you can just put the blanket over your head. Admit defeat and start rebuilding yourself.
 

Admitting it is the first step...it's all uphill from here.

Insert witty and slightly sarcastic title here

If you've ever that 'pleasure' of taking public transport than you will sympathise with that meme.  Oh how I had a 'it's funny cos it's true moment' when I first saw it.  If you've never been so lucky as to enjoy a stint on the local public transport then let me take you on a little journey.

You know how all of our lives we've had it drummed into our head that we must wear a seatbelt or you will be fined? Well on a bus aka large human sardine carrier they don't have seatbelts.  Playing corners takes on a whole new level while traveling on a public bus.

I don't know about in other places but here a majority of the bus drivers are always in a bad mood. I mean I would be too if I dealt with the general public all day but come on! If you don't like people then don't do a job where you have to deal with people all day everyday.  Especially when, like me sometimes you are the only person I have had a conversation with that doesn't involve bodily fluids.

Be prepared to feel your life flash before your eyes on a regular basis when people think that they can take on a bus.  It's a 50 something seater aka a big fucker and you are in a ford fiesta...you aren't going to win so don't even try it.

 

Heaven forbid that you don't have the exact change.  I can understand handing over a $50 note for a $2 bus far but come on when it's $3 for a $2.60 fare just take it.  Your death stares aren't wanted nor warranted.

 

There is always one smelly person who could so with 500 baths.  They always sit at the front of the bus or the back of the bus.  This results in their aroma wafting right through the bus every time the doors open.  They always seem oblivious to their smell.

Most importantly, if I have earphones in that is code for 'I don't want to talk to anyone and if you make me take them out to listen to your ramblings I will not be impressed'. If I feel like I chat I will not have earphones in.  If I have earphones in, there is a pretty good chance that I am enjoying sweet, sweet child free time while listening to things other than Playschool and a whining toddler.

 Do you have any public transport stories good, or bad? Please share!

I'm liking up with Diary of SAHM for IBOT this week. So click on over and share some comment loving.

 

 

Listening

Every parent or any person who deals with children on a regular basis will exclaim at least once 'I swear their ears are painted on'.  I have a long way to go until I can kick his arse out on the street  lovingly let him live independently and I'm already getting sick of saying it. 

Today was one of those days when it probably would have had the same effect to just play a recording of myself saying "get out of the fridge", "don't touch that", "get down from there", "put down the bottle of vodka".  Wait I think that is the voice in  my head saying that one.  

My 'favourite' antic of the day was mini man placing one of his plastic chairs on the couch and attempting to sit on it.....I seriously don't know how this kid hasn't broken a bone yet!  My next awesome part of the day was my decision to get one of his birthday presents out early....hello peace and quiet.  I got him a rug with roads and railway tracks on it.  The only way I could get him to come and have dinner was to wave the plate under his nose.  Now this kid is a walking garbage disposal most of the time so that is really saying something.  Something good in case you didn't guess.

Tomorrow will be a better day.  Hallelujah for daycare and the gym!