Self Harm Doco

*The following post and video may be triggering to those who are experiencing self harm urges. Please stay safe and if you are at all feeling at risk please contact someone*

Lifelife Australia: 13 11 14

Alternatively contact your nearest emergency department.

I don't often post twice in one day but this one couldn't wait until tomorrow.  This video was tweeted by someone I follow and it's a great insight into self harm.  There are stories from a person who self harms, as well as professionals who work with them.  I really enjoyed listening to the information presented by all parties.  

I hope that it will reach someone who doesn't already know these things.  If it teaches just one person about self harm, then that is great.  It's possible to change the world, one person at a time. 

http://www.harmlesspsychotherapy.com/webbuilder/pages/Hurting_to_heal

For more information about the film project click here

Stigma Within Stigma

Stigma.  It's everywhere and it affects everyone. Mental illness still in the 21st century is clouded by stigma. There are people suffering in silence because they believe asking for help is a sign of weakness. Imagine having your head filled to the brim with despair and disorder and having no where to go. The removal of stigma around mental illness has come such a long way in the last 20 years but we still have so much further to go.  

Amongst the mentally ill there is still stigma. I've lost count of how many times I have said to myself that I need to keep my mouth shut, need to buck up and deal with it. This is something that I have been dealing with personally for 11 years. Yet I still tell myself the same thing that I hate hearing from others.  Things that I would never say to anyone else. 

Self harm has a whole different level of stigma.  It's a stigma within a stigma.  Even those who suffer from a Mental Illness, who engage in activities that many think are outlandish, ideas that stray from the norm, see people who self harm as some kind of person to be revered.  There have been many conversations that I have been involved in, in an inpatient facility where other patients have struggled to see the need and desire behind the action of harming oneself. 

Society sees people drinking to excess, and almost turn a blind eye.  It's seen as people blowing off steam, almost a societal norm.  They are seen as coping mechanisms, nothing more.  People who drink to excess every weekend are 'ok'. However they are doing the same thing that people who self harm are doing.  Hiding the pain, replacing it with something else.  Yet people who physically harm their flesh are seen as monsters, attention seeking and sometimes just plain stupid. 

Self harming is a coping mechanism. It's a dysfunctional one, I will admit, but it is one nonetheless.  However with so much stigma around it, people are covering it up, pretending it doesn't exist.  Why NEED to talk about this.  We NEED to say it's ok to tell someone that you aren't coping.  We NEED to treat the symptom not the behaviour.  A person who self harms is not a monster, they are simply reaching for help when their words don't work.

The Physical Side of Mental Illness

It's no secret that having a Mental Illness is fucking hard. It takes over every part of your life, until you start to wonder where you end and the illness begins.  However what about the physical side effects. Not just the tiredness and lack of motivation, but the long term effects. The effects, that once you are stable on meds, still come back to bite you in the arse.
 

A lot of people who have a mental illness need to be on medication to stay stable. For some people they will be on that medication for the rest of their life.  These medications can have long term side effects.  These can include softening of the enamel on your teeth, restless leg syndrome and sensitivity to sunlight.  For these people there is no alternative. You take the medication that works the best with the least crappy side effects. 
 

Another swell physical side effect of many anti-psychotics is weight gain and increased appetite. Yep because I hate my body enough already without ballooning to twice my size while deep throating the entire bakery because you just never quite feel full enough. When I was on zyprexa I put on 10kg in 7days while still exercising and eating how I normally do. 
 

When you can barely drag yourself out of bed every day, and most days you don't then the finer points of personal hygiene fall by the wayside.  Teeth brushing falls to the wayside. Showers only when you need to leave the house. Food involves things that are easy to make, generally coming straight out of a packet. All of this, coupled with medication that softens the enamel on your teeth, means that a few years down the track your teeth are going to be shit.  No amount of making up brushing will stop it because your teeth are the only part of your body that doesn't regenerate itself.
When I felt myself on the cusp of letting go, I would go walking, late at night, barefoot. I didn't care about myself and the damage that it was doing at the time.  I would walk across glass, anything that would cause pain.  As a result my feet are now super sensitive. Even standing in good shoes for longer than 30 minutes hurts. It feels like my bones are bruised.
 

I have scars from my wrists to my shoulders. My arms are nothing but scar tissue. This makes a few things difficult. Taking blood was already a pain in the arse, now it's damn near impossible. Pregnancy was fun.  I can never escape the looks. I love summer but feel more comfortable in Winter. I can wear long sleeves, I look like any 'normal' person. I don't have to deal with people who think that I am blind and can't see them pointing at me.
 

Do you suffer from a Mental Illness or does a family member? What are the long term side effects that you have witnessed.

What not to say to someone who self harms

After reading the post Kate from Kate Says Stuff wrote about 5 things you shouldn't say to someone who is depressed it got me thinking about things that have been said to me why well meaning people.  Not about depression, but about self harm and being in hospital. 
 

Here is my list of things to not say to someone who has just self harmed and/or has found themselves in hospitial.
 

1. Why would you do that to yourself, there are people out there who have it worse than you.
This is one of my biggest pet hates around depression and mental illness.  People are always quick to remark that there is always someone out there who has it worse.  Do they not think that we are aware of that...sometimes there is nothing we can do, its all about a chemical imbalance.  Everyone has different levels of being able to cope. What may seem small to you, could be insurmountable to another person.  Don't judge them, they have enough guilt as it is.
 

2. You did this to yourself, so you don't deserve to be treated with respect.
This is more aimed at medical professionals and I use the term 'professionals' loosely.  There has been many times when I have be stitched or stapled without anesthetic. Or they have done it so soon after administering it, that it doesn't have a chance to work before they start stitching.  Contrary to small minded belief, self harmers do actually feel pain.  A small minded Dr refusing to use anesthetic is not the same as an act of self harm. 
 

3. People who self harm are people to be feared.
The key word in the term is SELF harm. We don't set out to directly harm others, we may indirectly hurt loved ones emotionally, but very rarely does an act of SELF harm involve another person.  I was removed from UNI housing as the UNI was afraid for the safety of other students.  Another example of how far small minded stigma spreads.
 

4. Why are you in the 'looney bin' it's full of 'crazy' people.
To put things a bit simply...in order to want to harm yourself to 'feel better' you have to kind of be a little bit crazy. Also, the other people in hospital are no different from your friend, they are lost like them. Their medication might have stopped working, or they fell into old habits and they found themselves at rock bottom again.  Hospital is a place to gather yourself, you won't be instantly better, but it helps to get yourself back on your own two feet.
 

5. I won't visit them or call them because they might want to be alone.
Don't make this assumption.  Hospital is a lonely place, the days seem to tick by so slowly.  There isn't much to do other than to be lost in your own thoughts.  At least not in the public wards I have been in.  Make a phone call. Sometimes even a 5 minute conversation can make someone feel like there is people out there who care about them.  Why is it that when someone is in hospital for a medical issue, people have no issue in going for a visit but as soon as someone is in the 'looney bin' then they are something that is to be feared.  Step outside your comfort zone and make someone feel a bit special.
 

What can you do to make your friend feel better?
The truth is there might not be much, but just being there, judge free can be enough.  Lending a listening ear and letting them know that they aren't alone.  

Unbearable

I've made no secret of the fact that I am struggling lately.  Things have started to take an all new 'low' though and something has to give.

 

I'm barely making the basic living needs of both Devil Spawn and I.  I am barely able to get out of bed each morning. This shit is mother fucking hard and I'm sick of everything being an effort.

 

I nap most of the day, to avoid the reality that is my life at the moment.  I close my eyes and pretend it doesn't exist.  I ignore Devil Spawn.  It's just too hard.  Then I stay awake most of the night, relishing the alone time.  If Devil spawn has gone to sleep at a reasonable time that is.

 

I struggle to cook dinner.  Devil Spawn and I are living mostly on a diet of take away and sandwiches.  This is not something I am proud of. I do want to change it.  I'm taking small steps. Teeny, tiny smaller than baby steps.  It's just so hard when your entire body feels like it is made of cement.  It's an effort just to get up.

 

Personal hygiene has fallen to the wayside. Anything that takes too much energy is cast aside.  I feel dirty. I don't care. I don't see the point. I don't care enough about myself.  If I could I would stay in bed all day, in my pyjamas, staring at the ceiling. I'm done. I can't do it.

 

Today was the first day in a long time that the feelings bordered on unbearable.  I relied on closing my eyes and pretending the world didn't exist.  I contemplated hurting myself. I felt sick at the thought. I hung onto that feeling.  It didn't help.  I scoured the house, looking for something to use as a 'bandage'. My perfection, the only thing stepping in the way.  I held onto that thought for dear life.  I considered calling the Crisis Team and we all know how fruitless that would have been. That is how 'real' shit got.  It was unbearable.  The only thing that kept me going was my ability to close my eyes...pretend it didn't exist.

 

I'm holding on by a thread. Things have to change. I just don't know how.

Self Harm FFS

Hi! This week I decided to do FFS a little differently and did a Vlog.  I was scared as hell and it took me about 50 takes to do.  Devil Spawn also kept running from my bedroom to the bathroom through the whole thing.  I haven't rewatched it for fear that I will delete it, so here I am in all my rawness.

Those who self harm may find the following Vlog triggering.  If you or someone you know is at risk of self harm please seek professional help.

Linking up with Dear Baby G 

My life would be different

It's Thursday again (phew where are the weeks going???) and we all know what that means right? It's Reader's Choice Thursdays.  This week I did things a little different and created a poll on my Facebook Page for readers to choose.  The winner this week is:
My life would be different if I'd never met...
 

This topic really took a lot of thinking.  I have so many wonderful people in my life that I wasn't sure who to write about.  So many people who have made an impact on my life, impacts that are both good and bad.  I decided to stick with the good thought and chose to write about one of my best friends. 

When I was growing up I always had friends, but I needed my space. I couldn't handle being in close quarters to anyone for too long, it would drive me crazy.  I don't really keep in close contact with any of my childhood friends.  I am Facebook friends with them and occasionally catch up when I am at my parents but that's about it.  I wasn't the easiest person to be friends with when I was a teenager.  More so than most teenagers.  I was bat shit crazy for most of it.  Once I finished school, we didn't really hang out much.  We all went our separate ways and started our lives. Me...I was hellbent on ending mine.
 

Fast forward to 2007 and a near fatal OD. I was in a coma for 3 days, in ICU for 4 and then transferred to the Mental Health ward when I stayed for a month.  Two weeks into that month I met my best friend.  She was very standoffish at first and I've often told her I thought she was a cow for the first couple of days she was in there.  Slowly the ice started to break and we took great delight in pissing off the nurses and other patients. 
 

She's been there for my ups and my down, down lows.  For the first time I have a best friend who I tell absolutely everything to. She is the only person who knows everything that goes on.  Most of the time she knows more than Papa Devil about the way I am feeling. Why? Because she knows what I am talking about.  For the first time I have a friend who 'gets' it.  Self Harming isn't easy to deal with.  Having someone to talk to who knows the desperation you feel when you need to cut, that it isn't all about attention is so valuable. 
 

We've now been friends for almost 6 years and still as close as ever. We speak most days, usually sending each other hilarious memes to describe our days.  My life definitely wouldn't be the same without her.  Sure I could ask for a more normal friend but where's the fun in that ;)

No offence Monday...but you suck

It's Friday again wooo! We all know what that means! It means it's time for the weekly whinge fest that is FFS Friday.  I haven't left the house for most of the week due to being sick (FFS) but somehow the world still managed to piss me off!
 

On Sunday night 60 Minutes Australia did a story on Self Harm.  The story was pretty well done.  It was surprisingly done with sensitivity and care.  As usual however the arsefaces came out of the wood works and commented on things they didn't know or want to understand. People like this are why there is still so much stigma around any kind of Mental Illness behaviour FFS
 

Devil Spawn has had a persistent sniffle for the last week or so. He passed it on to me. I felt like death warmed up Monday morning. My child free day was spent in bed not because I want to but because I had to FFS
 

Monday afternoon I went to pick Devil Spawn up from Daycare. I was walking to the bus stop and my thong broke. I went dick up and then had to hobble across the road with no shoes on FFS
 

I was running late to the bus stop and say the bus go past me. I saw a woman standing at the stop (my stuck up neighbour) I started to run and yelled stop. She ignored me and the bus drove off after picking her friend up.  The next bus was not for another 30 minutes and I felt like I was going to cough up a lung FFS
 

I finally got onto a bus, dressed like a bogan because I was shoeless. I also had to pick Devil Spawn up with no shoes on. It was Bogan-esque all round FFS
 

By this stage I was well and truly over the public transport system and I decided to give Papa Devil a call to get a lift home because where we caught the bus is across the road.  He left his phone at the other shop. He drove straight past us. I then had to deal with Devil Spawn tantrums about not getting to go with Daddy FFS
 

I had to wait another 30 minutes for a bus with Devil Spawn yelling at me the whole time FFS
 

This all happened on Monday FFS
 

The next two days were spent laying on the couch trying to nap while Devil Spawn destroyed my house.  I still don't have the energy to clean it all up. It looks like a toy tornado has gone through FFS
 

After two days of lazing around and feeling any better for it, I really didn't feel like cooking dinner so Papa Devil took us out for Maccas. It was quite possible that we received the worst customer service in the history of customer service. It really didn't make me want to leave the house again FFS
 

Thursday we finally ventured outside the house to Mums Group.  Devil Spawn acted like, well, a Devil Spawn. FFS (Lucky I have an understanding Mums Group)
 

On the way home from Mums Group the driver of the bus we caught decided he needed to flex his manhood and do a bit of road rage.  It shat all over my worst experiences of public transport. He tried to run a guy off the road. If you want to act like a dick, do it in your own car, not when you are driving a bus of people FFS
 

Did you have a FFS moment this week? Let me know in the comments so I don't feel so bad about whinging like a big skirt.
 

Well that's my FFS for this week. I'm linking up with Dear Baby G  so head on over to read some more FFS from the Blogosphere. 

Epidemic

*The following post may be triggering to those who are struggling with self harm thoughts. Please make sure you are feeling safe before reading.*

If you or someone you know is contemplating hurting themselves please get in contact with a GP, go to your closes ED or give the wonderful people at Lifeline a call.

On 60 minutes on Sunday, they did a story on Self Harm. I will admit that I was apprehensive about it and didn't actually watch it until it was available online. After I knew that other people had watched it.  After I knew whether they had portrayed it in an understanding light.  I just knew that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to deal with it, if it was anything else.
 

I've made no secret of the fact that I have self harmed in the past.  It is something that I deal with on a constant basis. It is something that I will probably deal with for the rest of my life.  Was it easy to stop? No. Not at all.
 

Self harm has been toted as 'attention seeking' among other derogatory things.  Things like that do nothing for the shame and guilt that someone who self harms or has self harmed feels.  The worst comments I have received have actually been from 'professionals'. The pearlers have been when presenting to the local Emergency Departmet with injuries that needed medical attention ranging from 'so', 'you know you're doing it the wrong way' to when presenting with self harm thoughts and not actions 'just come back when you've done it'.  Emergency Departments are the first port of call for mental health patients and really need to be trained in ways to deal with these patients. Psychiatrist Professor Graham Martin talks about it during his interview.
 

"I hear of therapists running away. I hear of people in hospital running away. Nursing staff who can’t face up to somebody who has cut themselves deliberately. Because they’re not important, and they did it to themselves, and they’re just attention seeking. I don’t believe any of that. I think when somebody goes to these lengths, they need help."
 

One of the most common questions asked of someone who self harms I think is "What made you think to pick up something to hurt yourself with".  There is no one moment when you think oh yep this is what I am going to do. It is something done out of desperation, of feeling like there is nothing else that will work.  When I started I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would still be struggling with urges 10 years later.  That 10 years later, whenever things get shit, it is my first port of call.  One of the girls interviewed for the story I think sums it up perfectly.
 

" I don’t remember why I chose self-harm. The chaos and the feelings that were all trapped inside my head got to a point where I needed something."
 

I was quite impressed with the way that the story was portrayed in such a sensitive way.  It didn't poke fun or minimise the behaviour in anyway. I just hope that this story was able to reach a few people, to help them understand.

60 Minutes Story

Biting the Bullet

Shit has been hitting the fan the last 6 months. I've been a ball of fury that doesn't seem to have a way to unravel.  Everyone has been copping it. Left, right and center. Mostly those close to me though.

I think it's time I bit the bullet and talking to a 'professional' about it.  Every day feels like the worst day of my life.  I spend most of the day either in tears, sleeping to escape or yelling.  This is no way for DS to live.  I don't want him remembering his childhood as having been peppered with anger.

I just need something to take the edge off. The only time I don't feel on edge is when I am drinking. We all know what that can lead to.  

My jaw is constantly clenched and I am poised in flight mode instead of fight.  Not something that is helpful for a parent.  I think constantly about running away. Never coming back.  Self harm is always at the front of my mind.  This hasn't happened in over 3 years.  I feel in a state of constant crisis.  Shit is getting real.

It's time to get real about this shit.  It's time to get the help that I need and my family deserves.

Mouth Sewn Shut

Unless you have been living under a rock then no doubt you would have heard or read about the Charlotte Dawson Saga.

Some people are saying she brought it on herself, that she should have just ignored the trolls.  But should she really have?  

All of the 'bully chats' when I was at school told us to ignore the bully. They just want attention. They just want a reaction from you.  It will be better if you ignore it.  Is it really?  None of my recollection of being taunted from school is that ignoring them is good.  I'm a stewer, I sit on things until I explode.  Clearly ignoring it doesn't work.  

It's really kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation.  It all depends on your inner workings.  If you can turn something off and not think about it again, then go with the ignoring option. If not, then do what works for you.

I'm kind of a blow it all out in the open kind of person.  If someone has the 'balls' to say something nasty then I call them on it.  If they act one way in private and completely different way in public, then I call them on it.  I try to stand by the thought of 'If you wouldn't say it to their face then don't say it online.'  If you are so 'proactive' in letting someone know what you think about them, then why the need for secrecy.  

This week my brother was suspended.  One of the reasons given was that he kept having outbursts at other students when the were saying stuff to him on the sly.  So in short, he got suspended for sticking up for himself.  My mum brought this up with the teacher....apparently what he is doing is worse.  So again, in short standing up for yourself against bullies is worse than the bullying itself.  No wonder the rate of teen suicide is so high.

If you or someone you know is being bullied and doesn't know what to do please contact either Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 46 36

Self Harm Awareness Day

March the 1st, is Self Injury Awareness day. Everyone knows someone who self harms or has self harmed in the past. Show your support and wear or draw an orange ribbon to show your awareness. Self harm isn't a joke, it's a coping mechanism and can be a symptom of other mental health problems. Smile at someone, it could make their day.

The website Responsibility defines the act of self harm as: 'behavior of deliberately causing oneself pain or injury.' 

Today is a day set aside to raise awareness of self harm.  Self harm is such a taboo subject that spreading awareness of this struggle that many people face every single day. Self harm isn't a failed suicide attempt.    

Facing up to an Emergency Department after an episode of self harm borders on terrifying.  You never quite know the reception you are going to receive.  It could be revulsion, scorn or if you are lucky compassion.  An article in the European Journal of Emergency Medicine states 

'Staff in the emergency departments of hospitals are reported as being negative or ambivalent toward suicidal or self-harming individuals. According to the literature, these patients are subjected to stigmatization and lack of empathy. This phenomenon has been linked to a decreased quality of care offered to these individuals and to missing an important opportunity to prevent further suicidal behavior or repetition of deliberate self-harm'

If this is how 'professionals' treat people who self harm...then the general uneducated public can only be thought to be worse.

For me self harm is like an addiction.  It's like any coping mechanism that we develop, we fall back to it when familiar obstacles present themselves.  The hard part is replacing these behaviours with something positive.  Something that gives the same 'rush' because for me that is what is was.  It made me feel when everything else was numb.

If you or someone you know self harms please get help.  It might not provide an instant cure but it's the first step in releasing the grip that self harm has.

This was such a great support for me as a teen: http://self-injury.net/

Check out these websites for more info:

Lifeline

Beyond Blue

Kids Help Line

If you have self harmed please seek medical treatment at your nearest Emergency Department.