Self Harm Doco

*The following post and video may be triggering to those who are experiencing self harm urges. Please stay safe and if you are at all feeling at risk please contact someone*

Lifelife Australia: 13 11 14

Alternatively contact your nearest emergency department.

I don't often post twice in one day but this one couldn't wait until tomorrow.  This video was tweeted by someone I follow and it's a great insight into self harm.  There are stories from a person who self harms, as well as professionals who work with them.  I really enjoyed listening to the information presented by all parties.  

I hope that it will reach someone who doesn't already know these things.  If it teaches just one person about self harm, then that is great.  It's possible to change the world, one person at a time. 

http://www.harmlesspsychotherapy.com/webbuilder/pages/Hurting_to_heal

For more information about the film project click here

Sanity Saviour

Depression and other Mental Illnesses can zap you of any energy or motivation you have.  Sometimes the medications used to treat these can have an even worse effect. I have never made it a secret that I don't like housework. So I wanted to share with you what I do to make things easier each day. Things that make things run a little smoothly.
 

1. A lot of people fold their washing as they take it off the line, I take it one step further.  I take the clothes off the line in order of whose clothes they are.  Then when I come inside, all of the clothes are already in piles of whose room they belong in, meaning that I put them away straight away.  It takes a bit longer out at the line...but then again it's quicker than a giant Mt Washmore.
 

2. Devil Spawn has a bath for at least 30 minutes every night. I use this time to talk to Papa Devil on the phone. Also when I'm up to it, I use the time to tidy away Devil Spawns toys and do the washing up. He's happy and I get some quiet time. It's a win/win situation.
 

3. On days that I know are going to be hectic or just plain hard I make dinner in the slow cooker. It means that we get a decent dinner and there is usually left overs that I can freeze for easy dinners later.
 

4. When Devil Spawn goes to daycare, I make his lunch the night before.  I am not a morning person by any stretch of the imagination, this means I have to do as little as possible when my brain is still foggy.
 

5.  After Devil Spawn has a bath at night, I dress him in a shirt for the next day. Then again, in the morning while still in a foggy, not really wanting to be awake daze I can leave the house at a reasonable time. At least on the days when we have to go somewhere.
 

6.  Daycare Days are my days. I do what I want, when I want it.  I don't pressure myself to do anything. I take them as my days to relax and regain myself. 
 

These are my sanity savers. They help me get through the week, the day, the hour.  I don't pretend to have all of the answers...I just do what works for me.
 

What are your sanity savers?
 

Linking up with #IBOT

Pressure to Procreate

As a woman, it's always expected that you will want to procreate.  That your one mission in life, eventually is to be a mother.  I remember in high school my friends talking about the names they had picked out for their eventual babies. I didn't feel the same and while I didn't have a life plan, kids didn't really feature in the image I saw of myself. 
 

You would think that once you are 'with child' that they pressure would stop. That society would think, 'ok she's made her contribution, we'll stop hassling her now', but that couldn't be further from the truth.  The minute you have one child, everyone is wondering when you are going to be giving them a brother or sister. Labeling you as 'cruel' if you tell them that your child will be an only child.  In fact one of the cards I received when Devil Spawn was born had the sentiment 'he's gorgeous, can't wait until you have another one'.  I had pushed this baby out a mere week earlier and the pressure had started.
 

Let's talk about what is cruel shall we, about the reality of being pregnant and unmedicated.  Hormones already do strange things to normally rational women. Add to that a Mental Illness that can't be medicated while pregnant and you have a recipe for disaster. I was, for lack of a better term, bat shit crazy while pregnant.  I would go from crying, to screaming in a matter of minutes.  Poor Devil Papa didn't know what to expect or how to handle it.  I could not bring myself to knowingly put Devil Spawn through that. 
 

I use what little motivation I have most days on Devil Spawn. I don't think that I could spread it over 2 or more children.  Am I still being cruel for being happy to stop at one child? It is cruel to realise my weakness and work with what I have? No it's not. I know my limitations and Devil Spawn will always come first.  I know that if it did happen, I would somehow make it work but I would never knowingly try for another child because society has this notion that it's 'cruel' for a child to grow up alone.
 

I say it's cruel to bring a child into an environment that can't cope with it. It's cruel to have a child not because you want one but because it's the norm. It's cruel to bring another child into a family that is already struggling.  It is not cruel to realise that you have reached your limits and that you know you can give everything you have to one child, but will struggle with two. It is not cruel if having one child means that they will have a better life, will get what little their mama can offer them at this time.  A little spread over 2 is even less. I love Devil Spawn more than I thought it was even possible to love another human being and if I had my time again I'd do it all the same.
 

How many children do you have? Do you still feel the pressure to keep popping those bubbas out?
Are you childless by choice and feel the pressure to procreate?

Generalisations Can be Harmful to Stigma: Psychiatric Hosptials

After BB posted the link to the article of a person's account of their friends stay in a psychiatric hospital, it got me thinking. If you would like to read the article then it can be found here.
 

I really struggled with the gross over generalisations that were made in this article.  Things that could easily be seem as scare mongering.  Imagine being a person whose psychiatrist has suggested you have some time in a psychiatric ward and you read this article. It's likely to make you shy away from even thinking of the prospect.  Being inside a psychiatric facility isn't easy, it's far from it but that is because you are working on issues that are plaguing your mind, stripping yourself bare and starting again. A psychiatric facility is sometimes the only safe place that you can do that.
 

I get the impression from the article that the writer's friend was in a private facility. Something that I have no experience with.  There were somethings in the article that did ring true for a public hospital but they were still gross generalisations.  I have seen patients who looked like walking zombies.  These patients were violent when not medicated. I have also seen these patients months down the track, once the medication is settled and they are a completely different person. They have gone from a person with delusions, suicidal behaviour, someone who couldn't function in society, to someone who you could sit down and have a conversation with. They are someone who can string words together. They are the good outcome of the psychiatric facility. 
 

Comparing the modern day facilities to One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest is just the tip of the iceberg.  While some nurses and doctors really shouldn't be in the profession anymore as their passion is gone, this is no reflection on the end result that a stay in a psychiatric ward strives for.  The author saw a glimpse in a persons journey.  She had no idea how far they had come or how far they had to go. 
 

The comments of the writer about her friend being 'normal' except for needing to be in a psychiatric facility are extremely harmful for the fight of stigma removal. Everyone is 'normal' until they suffer from life event that renders them helpless.  There is no shame in needing to be hospitalised. 
 

‘Everybody hates being here. People talk about killing themselves, not because they want to die but because they want to get out of the hospital’, said my friend Julie.
 

I have no idea on the amount of times that I have been admitted but I would say it would be over 20 times.  Some of these stays have been for a month at a time.  Not once have I seen a patient express these words.  I do wonder if they have been twisted. It was a common thread amongst depressed patients that they just wanted to get 'so that they could kill themselves' and so the hospital kept them in. It was not the hospital itself causing these thoughts, but the depression. They were already suicidal before coming into hospital and saw the people who were trying to help them as one more road block to their desire to be gone from this world.
 

The author of this article has no medical training, and yet commented on the medications that her friend was allowed to take.  The Drs and Nurses in a psychiatric facility want things to run as smoothly as possible.  They are not there to make your life difficult (even though it may seem like it when you are being admitted) but to keep you and the other patients safe.  They will give you the medication that will fit your medical needs. Just because one med worked for another, does not mean that it will work for you. 
 

This whole article just did not sit right with me, especially being from the friend of a friend in a psychiatric facility's perspective.  She was an outsider looking in.  She had no idea the issues that the other women were facing, or why they looked scared and unsure.  It can be pretty daunting to go into a strange place, even without suffering a mental illness. Add to the mix anxiety and you are bound to get a few people who look like a deer caught in headlights.  It may have come across more realistic if the friend had written it.  Seeing a glimpse of a ward, during visiting hours is not the same as staying in the ward.
 

The article has really done nothing to help the stigma that people feel about the 'looney bin'.  It saddens me that in 2013, we are still facing such close minded views. Views of those people who are looking from the outside, and get to go home to their cookie cutter life at the end of the day, not realising the damage that their words have done. 

The Physical Side of Mental Illness

It's no secret that having a Mental Illness is fucking hard. It takes over every part of your life, until you start to wonder where you end and the illness begins.  However what about the physical side effects. Not just the tiredness and lack of motivation, but the long term effects. The effects, that once you are stable on meds, still come back to bite you in the arse.
 

A lot of people who have a mental illness need to be on medication to stay stable. For some people they will be on that medication for the rest of their life.  These medications can have long term side effects.  These can include softening of the enamel on your teeth, restless leg syndrome and sensitivity to sunlight.  For these people there is no alternative. You take the medication that works the best with the least crappy side effects. 
 

Another swell physical side effect of many anti-psychotics is weight gain and increased appetite. Yep because I hate my body enough already without ballooning to twice my size while deep throating the entire bakery because you just never quite feel full enough. When I was on zyprexa I put on 10kg in 7days while still exercising and eating how I normally do. 
 

When you can barely drag yourself out of bed every day, and most days you don't then the finer points of personal hygiene fall by the wayside.  Teeth brushing falls to the wayside. Showers only when you need to leave the house. Food involves things that are easy to make, generally coming straight out of a packet. All of this, coupled with medication that softens the enamel on your teeth, means that a few years down the track your teeth are going to be shit.  No amount of making up brushing will stop it because your teeth are the only part of your body that doesn't regenerate itself.
When I felt myself on the cusp of letting go, I would go walking, late at night, barefoot. I didn't care about myself and the damage that it was doing at the time.  I would walk across glass, anything that would cause pain.  As a result my feet are now super sensitive. Even standing in good shoes for longer than 30 minutes hurts. It feels like my bones are bruised.
 

I have scars from my wrists to my shoulders. My arms are nothing but scar tissue. This makes a few things difficult. Taking blood was already a pain in the arse, now it's damn near impossible. Pregnancy was fun.  I can never escape the looks. I love summer but feel more comfortable in Winter. I can wear long sleeves, I look like any 'normal' person. I don't have to deal with people who think that I am blind and can't see them pointing at me.
 

Do you suffer from a Mental Illness or does a family member? What are the long term side effects that you have witnessed.

Sleep is for the weak...apparently

It's finally the end of the longest week in the history of long weeks.  That also means that it's FFS Friday time again.  Sarah is handing the reins over to her hubby this week so pop over and see what he has to say! 

Two weekends in a row now Devil Papa has said that he wants to spend some boy time with Devil Spawn. Two weekends in a row that has involved him having a 5 hour nap FFS
 

It was raining Monday so I couldn't take transport to daycare so I decided to keep Devil Spawn home and have a movie day inside. It was a great idea, at least for the first hour FFS
 

Devil Spawn sleep dodges like you wouldn't believe. Monday night he was screaming so much about not wanting to go to bed that he vomited. I had just told him to come out into my bed. He vomited all over me FFS
 

Wednesday morning Devil Spawn decided that 3am is a perfectly fine time to start the day FFS
 

He crashed without a fuss at 630pm Wednesday night NO FFS
 

He woke up at midnight and the only way I could get him back to sleep was by holding his hand. Of course my arm took this opportunity to do it's weird twitching thing. Every time my arm twitched it would wake him up. FFS
 

Devil Spawn slept until 8am on Thursday morning NO FFS
 

I finally had some for thought and bought some snacks for after Devil Spawn goes to sleep. I haven't felt like any of it FFS
 

I accidentally deleted the account that I use for my commenting system. This deleted all of the comments associated with it on the blog including everyone elses FFS
 

I went to get my renewed Mental Health Plan on Tuesday. My doctor told me to make the most of it because she wasn't writing anymore. I should be over it by now according to her FFS
 

This was after me having to cancel a psychologist appointment because of her dragging her arse about writing it in the first place FFS
 

I need to find a new GP who has some sort of experience with Mental Health who also bulk bills. The chances are pretty slim FFS
 

I still haven't heard from the public Mental Health System about my referral that was sent in September. Not even a letter to say that I am on a waiting list FFS
 

What's been pissing you off this week? Have a whinge in the comments so I don't feel like the only one here. 

Trashy Tv is good for you!

I've made it no secret that I enjoy a bit of trashy television.  With posts about vjazzling and lingerie football, I really couldn't hide the fact.  Everyone's definition of trasy tv is a little bit different. Some people think Neighbours is trashy tv, these people *cough cough* Devil Papa *cough cough* are also glad that looks can't kill.
 

To me trashy tv is something you can watch, without really watching.  You know you 'shouldn't' but after a shitty day, you just need to relax, unwind and not have to think for another minute.  Enter trashy tv. I'm talking about the Jersey Shores and Snog, Marry, Avoid of the television world.  Something that you can watch from any point and not have to really know a 'back' story.  They also kind of make you feel a little more smart.
 

I very rarely watch the news.  It's too sad for me and I prefer to filter the news myself. Thirty minutes of nothing but despair, is not my idea of fun. Nor is it a good way to increase my Mental Health. People may think that it is kind of head in the sand approach, but I don't care. Sometimes we need to do things to protect ourselves.  Instead of the news I watch The Simpsons. It makes me laugh and it entertains Devil Spawn, it's really a gift that keeps on giving.
 

Watching trashy tv really has an indulgent factor to it. All day we are bombarded with images and messages that we 'need' to do things to better ourselves, things that use our brain.  Some days though, we just need to switch off. We need down time to let our brain recoup, especially after a long day of kid or career wrangling.  I like to set myself up with my laptop, after Devil Spawn has (finally!) gone to sleep and lose myself in good old no brain needed television. 
 

I also love a bit of crime shows that make me think.  It's all about balance and realising when you need timeout.  Our brains can't cope with constantly being switched on, it needs down time too. We start to feel physical effects after prolonged periods of adrenaline...if something as simple as watching half naked Brits with no fashion sense can help, then who is anyone to begrudge you that indulgence.
 
 Linking up with Jess for #IBOT
 

Do you like a bit of Trashy Tv? What do you do to give your brain a bit of down time?

Listmania: Currently I am

On my usual morning social media read, I stumbled across a new linky party by Deb from Home Life Simplified. It's brand new for 2013 and has a new list of prompts each week.  The linky is open for a week so if you are a blogger then come along and join the party!

 This weeks prompt is Currently I am:

 Reading: I just finished The Perks of Being a Wallflower.  I quite enjoyed it.  I think I'll read a Janet Evanovich one next as I like to have a filler in between 'heavy' books.

Listening to: Napoleon. Devil Spawn has taken a liking to the movie. I'm just waiting for the disc to die from overuse.

Laughing at: The phrases that Devil Spawn comes out with. It's amazing seeing how his brain works when he comes out with some of the stuff he does! 

Swooning over: In light of the Breastfeeding debate that was sparked by a woman getting asked to leave a pool, the images of Ryan Gosling that are circulating. He thinks Breastfeeding is sexy ;)

Planning: I've gotten into the swing of the Menu Planning and it's actually working, most of the time.  

Eating lots of: Lattice Slice. It is yum yum and the recipe can be found here

Feeling: Completely overwhelmed...still

Discovering: Not everything is as it appears. It's better to to stabbed in the front by an enemy than stabbed in the back by a friend.

Looking at: Ways to improve the blog. Let me know what YOU want to see more of here 

Wearing: As little clothes as possible when I'm at home. It is ridiculously hot here at the moment. I feel like I am sitting in a giant pool of sweat, even at midnight.

Cooking: More meals that are easy, but still nutritious. Ones that also appeal to a fussy toddler are also winners.

Wondering: If I am taking the right steps to making 2013 my bitch. It feels like two steps forward, one step back at the moment. I will OWN it!

Trying out: A bit of goal orientated exercise with Kate and signed up for Operation Move. 

What are you currently....

 

The importance of sleep

Any parent will be able to recite to you the effects of sleep deprivation.  Whether it's a long term issue or one night after months of being a perfect sleeper, we've all felt it.  The term walking zombie comes to mind.
 

Sleep is so important to good mental health.  Of course it's always easier said than done.  When you have sole care of a small child, you can't just pop a sleeping pill and hope for the best.  At least not without knowing how well it works first.  The trouble with not being able to sleep is that for me it's often too late to even contemplate taking medication...I have enough trouble getting out of bed in the morning as it is.
 

A few years ago, before Devil Spawn came along, I couldn't sleep...for 5 days straight.  I laid in bed, closed my eyes and nothing happened....for 5 days.  I had been taken off all sedative medication and had no access to any.  I even tried alcohol and nothing happened.  My brain just refused to switch off. I was at a loss as to what to do.  On the 3rd night I went to A&E. After waiting for hours, I was told to go home, I was nothing but a drug chaser. If I was a drug chaser then I would have already slept...you know because I would have drugs.  Rinse and repeat for the next night.  Both nights I had to wait to see the psych team. Both nights I was accused of being a drug chaser. Both nights I was given nothing.  By this stage it was up to day 4.
 

I had called the Crisis Team, they told me to go to A&E, it was fruitless. I was at a loss as to what I could do.  My brain was refusing to switch off. My eyes burned from being open for 4 days. I was very close to snapping. I covered an entire wall in my room with paper and wrote ramblings, that spanned the whole wall. A kind of brain splatter on my wall. None of it made sense.  Still I couldn't sleep.
 

I had a small amount of hope (or I was a glutton for punishment) and went to the A&E again.  It was now day 5. I din't have much faith, but I needed sleep and I was willing to do anything at this point.  Anything legal that is.  I was in luck...the registrar who was on duty that night was someone who knew my history...something that the other doctor could have easily checked and seen that I have never had an issue with drugs.  He couldn't believe that I had been ignored so long.  He wanted to admit me, I just wanted to sleep, something that we all know doesn't happen too comfortably in a hospital bed.  He had no hesitation in giving me a wafer type medication to help me sleep. A wafer is a medication that dissolves as soon as it hits your tongue.  An easy way to avoid giving me a script, which is what the other doctor was apparently trying to avoid.
 

After 5 days, I sleep deeply and long.  I felt refreshed and like I had control over my body again. 
 

Snore Australia states the effects of chronic sleep deprivation as "feeling tired, irritability, slurred speech, blurred vision, memory loss, inability to concentrate, episodes of confusion, hallucinations, nausea, impotence and reduced sexual drive. "  They also state that extreme sleep deprivation can lead to psychosis.  Unfortunately the only way to 'fix' sleep deprivation is to sleep.  Something that can be easier said than done, especially when you add small children into the mix.
 

The website How Did You Sleep says that the importance for sleep to mental health is paramount. "Sleep allows the brain to take in new information and strengthen our memories.  The quality of your sleep can have a significant impact on your mood, energy level and ability to concentrate.  It can affect your work, cause relationship problems and make it difficult to complete simple tasks.  Sleep can also affect our mental wellbeing, immune system, and other health-related issues. It is crucial to our health that we learn to sleep well."
 

Do you have trouble with sleep? What do you do each night to ensure that you get a good nights sleep?
 

Linking up with Jess for #IBOT

What do you really wish for?

I'm joining in with #reverb12 Today's prompt is: What do you really wish for? 

This one has taken me all day to think about. I really don't know if I am any closer to having a clue, so I am just going to type and hopefully I will come up with an answer by the end of the post. So hang on tight for the random ramblings that has been my brain today. 

When someone asks me what I want my mind always goes blank. I can never think of anything. Even for things as simple as a birthday present. It is kind of like the age old, so tell me about yourself...ah well yeh I'm a woman and that's as far as I usually get. When thinking about what I really wish for, nothing seemed 'big' enough, significant enough. Everything felt like it was trivial and small.

Of course we all think of the world peace and end world hunger but I felt like this had to be something personal. Something selfish and just for me. We all wish for happiness for ourselves and for our family but that felt too mainstream. I needed something tangible, something that didn't feel so whimsicle. I didn't know whether to think of something that at this point in time was out of my reach (mansion anyone?) or whether to have something that was a little more attainable. Whether I should think of something I could achieve in 2013 or something that was going to take a lot longer than that. Something that would take one big effort and be done with or something that would require ongoing work. That's when it hit me. 

I knew exactly what I wanted to wish for. My mojo and my enthusiasm for life. It will need a lot of work but it will be worth it in the end. It's something that will have a flow on effect to all parts of my life. At the moment it requires a lot of effort just to get out of bed in the mornings. There is no energy or motivation left for anything else. My energy comes in small bursts and I try to take advantage of it. These bursts seem to be few and far between. Tomorrow is my first appointment with a new psychologist. I am hoping that it will be the first step towards getting my mojo back.

Why I Started My Blog

Welcome to Reader's Choice Thursday! I hope you've all had a great week so far.
 

This weeks topic is 'Why I started my blog'.
 

I started my blog in April 2011. It started off as a place for me to vent. I used it as a sounding board for my thoughts and frustrations.  I didn't make it known to everyone that I had a blog as it was all pretty dark stuff at the start. 
 

I then came to the realisation that 'hey maybe someone could benefit from this'.  One of the things I enjoy about the blogs that I read on a regular basis is that they all talk about things that resonate with me at different times in my life.  There have been many times when I have been reading through a post nodding my head, and feeling better about losing my shit that morning because I know I'm not alone.  That's the kind of space that I wanted to create for my readers. 
 

For me writing has always been much easier than talking. I shut down and change the subject when walking one on one. I'm not particularly good at portraying what I am feeling in the spoken word.  Give me a pen and a piece of paper though and I can write you an essay.  My blog became a way to let people know where I am at. 
 

Sometimes life can be way to serious.  I check joke sites regularly and spend most of my online time on them.  I tend to mostly be in a cocoon, choosing when I want to engage with a news story.  We don't watch the news. Devil Spawn and I watch The Simpsons instead.  I'm sarcastic by nature.  Anyone who knows me well, knows that sarcasm is my second language.  I love making posts that poke fun at the stuff that I have done through the week or that have happened to me in the past.  I love sharing with everyone the stupid shit I have done and I love reading other peoples examples of stupid shit they have done. 
 

Facebook got too crowded. You know, when you have all of these people on your friends list that it's too much drama to delete so you kind of censor yourself.  Believe it or not, that's what I tend to do.  My blog became an outlet for me.  I found myself writing negative status updates all the time, so I would sit down, write everything into a post and while I wouldn't always immediately feel better, it did help. 
 

In summary I created this blog for myself first, then the more I became confident in my writing, I started writing it to include YOU, the reader.  I love the community that a Blog creates and love getting to know all of my readers through comments.
 

Why did you start your Blog? Link up below and let me know.
Don't have a Blog? What's your outlet?

Epidemic

*The following post may be triggering to those who are struggling with self harm thoughts. Please make sure you are feeling safe before reading.*

If you or someone you know is contemplating hurting themselves please get in contact with a GP, go to your closes ED or give the wonderful people at Lifeline a call.

On 60 minutes on Sunday, they did a story on Self Harm. I will admit that I was apprehensive about it and didn't actually watch it until it was available online. After I knew that other people had watched it.  After I knew whether they had portrayed it in an understanding light.  I just knew that I wasn't in the right frame of mind to deal with it, if it was anything else.
 

I've made no secret of the fact that I have self harmed in the past.  It is something that I deal with on a constant basis. It is something that I will probably deal with for the rest of my life.  Was it easy to stop? No. Not at all.
 

Self harm has been toted as 'attention seeking' among other derogatory things.  Things like that do nothing for the shame and guilt that someone who self harms or has self harmed feels.  The worst comments I have received have actually been from 'professionals'. The pearlers have been when presenting to the local Emergency Departmet with injuries that needed medical attention ranging from 'so', 'you know you're doing it the wrong way' to when presenting with self harm thoughts and not actions 'just come back when you've done it'.  Emergency Departments are the first port of call for mental health patients and really need to be trained in ways to deal with these patients. Psychiatrist Professor Graham Martin talks about it during his interview.
 

"I hear of therapists running away. I hear of people in hospital running away. Nursing staff who can’t face up to somebody who has cut themselves deliberately. Because they’re not important, and they did it to themselves, and they’re just attention seeking. I don’t believe any of that. I think when somebody goes to these lengths, they need help."
 

One of the most common questions asked of someone who self harms I think is "What made you think to pick up something to hurt yourself with".  There is no one moment when you think oh yep this is what I am going to do. It is something done out of desperation, of feeling like there is nothing else that will work.  When I started I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would still be struggling with urges 10 years later.  That 10 years later, whenever things get shit, it is my first port of call.  One of the girls interviewed for the story I think sums it up perfectly.
 

" I don’t remember why I chose self-harm. The chaos and the feelings that were all trapped inside my head got to a point where I needed something."
 

I was quite impressed with the way that the story was portrayed in such a sensitive way.  It didn't poke fun or minimise the behaviour in anyway. I just hope that this story was able to reach a few people, to help them understand.

60 Minutes Story

Biting the Bullet

Shit has been hitting the fan the last 6 months. I've been a ball of fury that doesn't seem to have a way to unravel.  Everyone has been copping it. Left, right and center. Mostly those close to me though.

I think it's time I bit the bullet and talking to a 'professional' about it.  Every day feels like the worst day of my life.  I spend most of the day either in tears, sleeping to escape or yelling.  This is no way for DS to live.  I don't want him remembering his childhood as having been peppered with anger.

I just need something to take the edge off. The only time I don't feel on edge is when I am drinking. We all know what that can lead to.  

My jaw is constantly clenched and I am poised in flight mode instead of fight.  Not something that is helpful for a parent.  I think constantly about running away. Never coming back.  Self harm is always at the front of my mind.  This hasn't happened in over 3 years.  I feel in a state of constant crisis.  Shit is getting real.

It's time to get real about this shit.  It's time to get the help that I need and my family deserves.

Mental Health: Pissing you off even after you've been discharged.

Long time no write...blah blah.

I got discharged from Outpatient services in June.  Wasn't really a big deal.  As I had told myself and many others, I've been doing this shit on my own for the last three years anyway.

It all went along smoothly and it felt good.  GP was happy to take over medication care.  I was happy that she was competent enough to do it.  MH were happy that she was happy.

Cue last Thursday.  I got a phone call from my GP office that she wanted to see me ASAP.  The earliest I could get in was Monday.  I was apprehensive as I had no idea why she would need to see me after receiving a discharge summary.

Cue hissy fit.  As usual MH had fucked up majorly.  They had said that I was discharged from inpatient services.  They also said that I had self harmed extensively, leaving out the crucial word HISTORY.

I haven't self harmed since September 2008, something that is quite an achievement.  To have these incompetent arseholes place this in jeopardy really pissed me off.  The ramifications really could have been worse than me just being pissed off.  What if my GP had decided that she would give children's services a call? What would they have done? 

I'm glad to be done with them.  My blood pressure can't handle too much more of it.

Prey of Fear

We were watching Ice Age: The Meltdown for the 500th time this week and something Sid said to Diego really struck a cord with me.  I had an 'aha' moment.

Sid: I'm just trying to help you get over your fear of the water. 
Diego: Fear is for prey. 
Sid: Then that means the water has made you its prey. 

Did you know that 10% of Australians will be affected by an anxiety disorder at some point during their life.  An anxiety disorder is a little more than just being scared of something. Anxiety can be crippling for a sufferer.

According to Anxiety Australia physical symptoms of an Anxiety Disorder can include:

Blushing
Sweating
Shaking/trembling
Dizziness
Tachycardia, rapid heartbeat
Muscle tension
Nausea
Numbness or tingling in arms, hands  or legs
Diarrhoea
Headaches
Butterflies in the stomach

Are you becoming prey to your fear? 

Beyond Blue has some great resources and information on helplines to help you conquer the fear.

So you can be just like Diego

 

 

Life Lessons

During one of my many inpatient stays in 2007 one of the nurses sat me down to share with me his Life Lessons.  I am so glad that he wrote them down as there was no way that I was in the right frame of mind to take it on board.  Times like this I’m also glad I am a bit of a hoarder so I still have the book it is written in.

I was in a pretty bad place and I didn’t care about myself or anyone around me. I just wanted out and I wanted out now.  This compassionate nurse was one of many who tried to reach me and I will be forever grateful.

Lesson 1

All humans have a fundamental goal to be happy.  I can be happy.  

Lesson 2

I can recognise that the people in my life also have a goal to be happy.  Therefore we must be flexible, negotiate, compromise, collaborate and cooperate.  We all deserve to have life = win/win not lose/lose or win/lose.

Lesson 3 

I must not carry baggage from my past.  It is not hat happened to me that counts just my reaction that matters.

Lesson 4 

Keep life simple. Do not complicate life by overloading, creating conflict and trying to meet the expectations of others.  

Lesson 5

Be like the water not the rock.

Be flexible, tolerant and accept change.

I be enlightened (know the truth) closes your mind to all other possibilities.

Nothing is certain

Nothing is forever

No one has all the answers.

I still struggle daily with lesson 3 and 5.  I have a horribly good memory for all things negative.  They eat away at me every second of the day.  

One rule that he didn’t write down but I still remember is to removed the word ‘should’ from your vocabulary.  The word ‘should’ promotes guilt and a feeling of negative self worth.  

Do you have any life lessons? What’s one rule you have for yourself that you will never compromise on?

Scars remind me that the past is real

Image from here

It's no secret that I have a history of self harm...I have evidence from my wrists to my shoulders.

I'm not ashamed of my scars....but I'm not proud of them either...contrary to popular belief.

Most of them I can tell you a brief story of how it got there...the superficial story anyway.

I often forget that they are actually there...I've lived with scars for so long that they are just part of me...much like a birthmark or freckle would be for someone else.  It always throws me off when people ask me what happened.  My stock standard answer is "It's a long story" aka mind your own fucking business.  Most of the time that works....others are just too nosy and I end up walking away.  

If I do tell you what happened...don't think that I will do any harm to you...that's why it's called SELF harm.  I have no intention on physically hurting anyone else except myself.

Self harm can be all consuming and is much like an addiction.  Before you know it, you are doing so much damage to yourself in one session that it repulses most people...you hardly blink an eye.

Self harm is not an attention seeking venture.  It's a way to make the inner turmoil into something physical. Physical problems are much easier to deal with.

If you or someone you know has the urge to self harm please call someone.  It can be a family member or a friend.  Alternatively if you don't feel comfortable talking to someone close to you, there are numerous help lines to call.

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Victoria Suicide Helpline: 1300 651 251

Kids Helpline: 1800 55 1800 (these guys were a huge amount of help to me as a teenager)

You can also call your local hospital and ask about a crisis line.

If you are in immediate danger please call 000 or get yourself or the person who is threatening self harm to your nearest Emergency Department.

Excuse the strangely wrinkly hands (I'm 23 dammit I have grey hair and wrinkles!).

This is the concoction of 'drugs' that I take every day to make me 'stable'.  These drugs help keep me from the edge and thinking it's not that far to the bottom.  They help me sleep instead of laying in bed at night and staring at the ceiling willing sleep to come.  The new ones are supposed to help with the mood swings that go all over the place.  They are the last port before lithium apparently.  I started them on the weekend and so far I haven't noticed and bad side effects so that has to be a good thing right.  I'm working hard to keep the weight off and I guess my lack of appetite has worked in my favour so far.  Although not so much when I had to have a blood test this morning.