Fuck You 2012!

I wasn't going to do a goodbye 2012 post because everyone seems to do them and I'm such a rebel. Fuck being the same and all that shit.  Then I realised I had more to say and that my FB friends would get pretty sick of my updates every 5 minutes.  

2012, has been a but fuck of a year.  It has been full of ups and downs. Anger and sadness. Found friendships and lost ones.  Strengthening of ties and severing. 

I refuse to let 2013 head the same way. I refuse to care about those who don't share the same affection.  I refuse to let those whose morals are lax, have an effect on how I live my life.  I will be me and contrary to what some people believe, that's pretty fucking awesome.  

I want to say thank you, to you the readers.  Thank you for sharing in the ups and downs. For sharing your stories with me and offering advice when I needed it.  Thank you for laughing with me, for sharing a little bit of my family life with me.

I have a couple of exciting reviews coming up in January that I can't wait to share with you all.  I hope that you will come into 2013 with me at The Funny Farm. 

Happy New Years! May all of your dreams come true!

Christmas at Hicksville

It's been a long time (2007 maybe) since we have had a giant family Christmas. A falling out between mum and her brother, and growing cousins moving away means that it's harder to get everyone together.  This year though, it was decided that differences would be put aside and a family Christmas would be attempted. It had the potential to being a giant fight fest, or a raging success. Thankfully it was the latter!
 

After wanting to just stay home this Christmas, we changed our plans and traveled 600kms to spend it with my family.  I am so glad that Devil Spawn is a good traveler, it certainly makes the trip a lot more smooth.  Although in his boredom he did come out with some doozies...including exclaiming that we needed to be quiet and listen as his toes were screaming. 

 Our accommodation was a little on the rough side.  The owners had put something in the bins, and the rotten smell wafted over to our cabin and infested the toilet that we had to use.  It was hard to sit on the toilet and hold your breath but it was a skill I had just about perfected by the end of our stay.  Boxing day saw us witness a good old fashioned outback storm. That is lots of noise, wind and not much else.  The wind knocked over a tree that came scarily close to our car.

   Christmas Eve was started with our once upon a time every year tradition. Dinner at my aunt and uncles pub.  The only difference being this year I could indulge in the vodka too! It seemed like a good idea at the time...until we realised that we would have to walk back to the caravan park, with a very tired Devil Spawn in tow.  The upside to it all meant that our Christmas Day didn't start until 930am, when he woke up!
 

When my Mum's family gets together there is always the potential for a water fight, a food fight or both.  This Christmas was no exception.  Thankfully there wasn't much dip in sight so there was no food fights.  Have you ever had french onion dip smeared across your face and up your nose? The smell seems to linger for days on end.  Especially if you get a chunky bit of onion stuck right up your nostril and you can't get it out!

  So because there was no dips, that means only one thing...there was a water fight.  There is no wearing your sunday best to our Christmas and it's best if you put your smart phones away. I lost my phone in 2002 after being picked up and thrown in the wading pool.  This year, by some strange turn of events, all of us had bough my uncles kids water guns.  So there was about 8 water guns in use.  Add to that the 3 packets of water bombs and no one stood a chance. 
 

It was stinking hot on Christmas Day, so the water fight was definitely welcome.  Even better was that us adults just had to sit and the kids would soak us.  Not even Granny escaped being hit with water bombs.  My dad was prepared though and came in his swimming shirt.  We all laughed at him turning up in it...not when we were all saturated still and he was dry though.
 

It was a great day and we all fell exhausted into bed at 830pm.  From someone who struggles to get to sleep before midnight, it was definitely a good thing.  The airconditioned cabin certainly helped things.  Although on the third day it froze over and we had to turn it off...cue us sweating our arses off. 
 

Yesterday saw us heading off home again. It was 31 degrees when we left and when we got into town it was 36. I felt the suffocating humidity hit me almost immediately.  I'm still pooped but I am so glad that our Christmas went off without a hitch.

  How was your Christmas?

FFS Friday 21st December

It's well and truly the silly season around her and it's bought all of the wankers out of the woodworks here.  It wouldn't be a Friday in silly season without a FFS Friday!
 

Devil Spawn slept in until 930 on Monday (daycare day) and I decided to keep him home.  An hour later I regretted it. FFS
 

By the time I got him ready and took him to daycare it would have been time to pick him up again so I had to deal with having him home FFS
 

Having him home involved taking him to a DR appointment.  That never ends well. FFS
 

He started off right where he left off last DR appointment and started screaming at me that he needed a drink FFS
 

After my DR did a GOOGLE search she determined that she didn't think I was able to get ATAPS. FFS
 

It turned out she was right FFS
 

Tuesday morning I woke up to it raining, I have to take the bus to Daycare and Devil Spawn had to go on Tuesday. FFS
 

The rain finally stopped around 745 and I was able to take him NO FFS.
 

There is a cafe here that I have been dying to try. Every time I have organised to go there something comes up. This week I got there but they were fully booked FFS.
 

I had lunch with some great company NO FFS
 

I killed some time before my psych appointment and bought a Scratchie. I won $25. NO FFS
 

I have to clean my dump before the parental unit come. Wednesday it was so hot that I looked like I had run a marathon after washing up.  FFS
 

Washing up was about all that I got done FFS
 

I did however wrap 90% of the Christmas Presents...whose stupid idea was it that the presents need to be wrapped FFS
 

I went hunting for a pair of board shorts for Christmas day...I couldn't find any shorts that were bigger than a pair of underwear. If I was going to wear that I wouldn't bother with the shorts FFS
 

That means that I have to brave the shops again tomorrow FFS
 

Papa Devil hasn't done any of his Christmas Shopping yet. That means I will then have to go out to the shops again on Saturday or Sunday. Why does he leave it until the days before every single year FFS
 

What's been pissing you off this week? Are you a blogger? Head on over to Dear Baby G and link up with your weekly whine.

Body Love

If the 'fashion world' is to be believed, plus size starts at size 12-14. I call fucking bullshit! How on earth are we supposed to portray to our children that size isn't everything, when a world that is so dominant to a teenager is telling them that they are 'overweight' at a size 12-14.  There is so much outrage...and yet nothing is done.  

When will it be that a woman is recognised for her brain, her voice, her passion and not the size of her bra, shirt and short short skirt?
 

Loving my body is something that I have always struggled with and continue to struggle with.  It doesn't matter what size I am...I hate it.  I stand in front of the mirror, poking and proding, picking out things that I do not like.  I have always felt a strong disconnection between my body and my mind. My mind is strong, my body is weak. 
 

This isn't about hate though, this is about love.  I don't hate my entire body, I don't know if that is entirely possible. Even at my lowest of lows, when poked and prodded I could eventually come up with something that I liked.  As I have gotten older, I have realised the strenght that my body has. The things that I have put it through and it's come through the other side virtually unscathed.  Every weekend I thank my liver for being a fucking trooper.  That bastard puts up with a bashing!
 

I have lived through OD's that if left untreated could have done severe damage, drank things that were intended for cleaning purposes only and still my body is reasonably ok. I have reflux that hurts like a bitch when I forget my meds but other than that, it's doing ok.  I had someone lace my drink with turps and yet all I felt was a couple of cramps. Like I said my body has copped a hiding.  It still does the stuff I want it to do! It might put up a hell of a protest but we get there in the end.
 

I have cut it, burnt it and scratched at it.  I have tried to destroy my body in any way I could. Still it's here, doing the shit it's supposed to do.  It might not look the way that I want it to look. Does anyones?
 

I birthed a mother fucking baby out of my body.  I felt like a beach ball with legs, and still my body did everything that it needed to do.  It created this little Devil Spawn. It was amazing and scary all at the same time but my body did it.
 

Do you love your body? Has it kept you in awe at the amazing things it can do?
 

Link up for #RCThursdays below.  This is the last one for the year so lets go out with a bang :)

Awards coming out my arse!

 

I'll admit when the link appeared on my Facebook Page, I was a little apprehensive. It kind of sounded like a virus lol.  Thankfully it was not, it was the beautiful Lee from Mother Load giving me a Liebster Award.  What the hell is that? you ask? Well...

 "The award  is given to support and recognise up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers (on their blog) or likers (on their Facebook page). The word “Liebster” apparently has German origins and is reported to mean sweetest,  kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing, and welcome. By following some basic rules (answer 11 questions set by your nominee, write 11 questions of your own and pass the award onto 11other  bloggers to answer) it enables readers to get to know new bloggers and connect  with a wider audience."

All these people thinking I'm sweet and cute is really starting to mess with my rep but I won't say no to a chance at getting some other lovely bloggers recognised!

My Questions asked by Lee:

 1. Why did you start blogging? This questions is easy because I have already written a post about it!
2. How often do you post on your blog? It's usually a few days a week, averaging about 3-4.  I don't really have a schedule.
3. Beach or Mountains? Ooo this is a hard one, both a beautiful. I would have to say mountains though because I hate, hate, hate getting sand everywhere.
4. Country or City? Definitely city. I love being able to go and buy something and not having to take a mortgage out to do it.
5. Do you find blogging a chore or a joy? At the moment it is definitely a joy. I think when it becomes a chore it's time to take a break.
6. Have you ever considered giving up blogging? Not giving it up altogether no, but I have taken a few breaks when there just seems to be nothing coming out of my brain that is worth writing down.
7. What do you really want for Christmas? A nice smooth Christmas Day, with no arguments.
8. Boys or girls - which one is easier? I only have experience with boys so I can't really say which is easier.
9. Are you more creative or analytical? Analytical
10. Planner or just see what happens? Planner. I freak out if I don't know what the hell is going on.
11. The future of your blog? I'm just taking things as they come at the moment. I'm really happy with where I am heading and love getting my words out there.

My 11 Leibster Award Recipients:

1. Help!! I'm Stuck!!
2. RoboMum 
3. Just One More Chapter 
4. Ness of Boganville 
5. Oculus Mundi 
6. Present Imperfection 
7. Mrs D's Maunderings 
8. Little Oliver J 
9. My Ranty Pants 
10. One Mother Hen 
11. Make Me Up Mandy 

Questions for my Awardees!

1. How long have you been blogging?
2. What was the first Blog you read?
3. How did you come up with the name for your Blog?
4. Summer or Winter?
5. How do you start your day?
6. One thing you couldn't live without? 
7. If you were stuck on a deserted island, who is one person you would like to be stuck with? 
8. Your favourite indulgence food?
9. Do you blog to a schedule?
10. If you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would it be?
11. Are you ready for Christmas?

Have fun! 

The importance of sleep

Any parent will be able to recite to you the effects of sleep deprivation.  Whether it's a long term issue or one night after months of being a perfect sleeper, we've all felt it.  The term walking zombie comes to mind.
 

Sleep is so important to good mental health.  Of course it's always easier said than done.  When you have sole care of a small child, you can't just pop a sleeping pill and hope for the best.  At least not without knowing how well it works first.  The trouble with not being able to sleep is that for me it's often too late to even contemplate taking medication...I have enough trouble getting out of bed in the morning as it is.
 

A few years ago, before Devil Spawn came along, I couldn't sleep...for 5 days straight.  I laid in bed, closed my eyes and nothing happened....for 5 days.  I had been taken off all sedative medication and had no access to any.  I even tried alcohol and nothing happened.  My brain just refused to switch off. I was at a loss as to what to do.  On the 3rd night I went to A&E. After waiting for hours, I was told to go home, I was nothing but a drug chaser. If I was a drug chaser then I would have already slept...you know because I would have drugs.  Rinse and repeat for the next night.  Both nights I had to wait to see the psych team. Both nights I was accused of being a drug chaser. Both nights I was given nothing.  By this stage it was up to day 4.
 

I had called the Crisis Team, they told me to go to A&E, it was fruitless. I was at a loss as to what I could do.  My brain was refusing to switch off. My eyes burned from being open for 4 days. I was very close to snapping. I covered an entire wall in my room with paper and wrote ramblings, that spanned the whole wall. A kind of brain splatter on my wall. None of it made sense.  Still I couldn't sleep.
 

I had a small amount of hope (or I was a glutton for punishment) and went to the A&E again.  It was now day 5. I din't have much faith, but I needed sleep and I was willing to do anything at this point.  Anything legal that is.  I was in luck...the registrar who was on duty that night was someone who knew my history...something that the other doctor could have easily checked and seen that I have never had an issue with drugs.  He couldn't believe that I had been ignored so long.  He wanted to admit me, I just wanted to sleep, something that we all know doesn't happen too comfortably in a hospital bed.  He had no hesitation in giving me a wafer type medication to help me sleep. A wafer is a medication that dissolves as soon as it hits your tongue.  An easy way to avoid giving me a script, which is what the other doctor was apparently trying to avoid.
 

After 5 days, I sleep deeply and long.  I felt refreshed and like I had control over my body again. 
 

Snore Australia states the effects of chronic sleep deprivation as "feeling tired, irritability, slurred speech, blurred vision, memory loss, inability to concentrate, episodes of confusion, hallucinations, nausea, impotence and reduced sexual drive. "  They also state that extreme sleep deprivation can lead to psychosis.  Unfortunately the only way to 'fix' sleep deprivation is to sleep.  Something that can be easier said than done, especially when you add small children into the mix.
 

The website How Did You Sleep says that the importance for sleep to mental health is paramount. "Sleep allows the brain to take in new information and strengthen our memories.  The quality of your sleep can have a significant impact on your mood, energy level and ability to concentrate.  It can affect your work, cause relationship problems and make it difficult to complete simple tasks.  Sleep can also affect our mental wellbeing, immune system, and other health-related issues. It is crucial to our health that we learn to sleep well."
 

Do you have trouble with sleep? What do you do each night to ensure that you get a good nights sleep?
 

Linking up with Jess for #IBOT

Personal Space

I have a giant personal space bubble. Christmas shopping, being in crowded spaces in general invades that personal space bubble. I don't like it. It's something that grates on my nerves.  I don't like being touched without warning, and I do not appreciate strangers coming and touching me.  I even flinch when Papa Devil and Devil Spawn touch me.  I'm not a touchy feely kind of person.  If I hug you, know that it comes from a place that I really had to reach deep down to do it.
 

This week I had a woman invade my personal space and stroke my scars.  I looked at her in horror, completely speechless as to what would possess someone to stroke a person, who they didn't know's arm. I would never touch someone I didn't know. At least not while sober! My look of horror must have worked as she recoiled pretty quickly. No apology was offered though. It was not an accidental brush, we were the only two people standing at the bus stop. 
 

This weekend I went out with a few girlfriends.  Clubbing is a BIG breach of my personal space bubble. Occasional, accidental bumps I can handle. In my face, being obnoxious I cannot. This seems to be the only thing that males think exists when it comes to the dance floor.  Seriously what is with that? I am here to dance, trying not to feel like a complete dickhead, I do not need you grinding yourself on my leg like a dog humping it's favourite toy.  One guy attempted to get close to me and spilt his drink down my leg.  Drink wastage is not cool!
Do you have a giant personal space bubble or are you happy to be close to people?
 

Just a short one from me tonight.  Head to my Facebook Page to vote for this weeks Reader's Choice. It will be the last one for the year so make it a good one :)

FFS Friday 14th December

It's FFS Friday time again! With Christmas fast approaching the patience levels are decreasing by the day!
 

I hate carols with a passion. They make me want to stab myself in the ears with a blunt instrument. Every shop is playing them. Shopping just got that much more of a pain in the arse FFS
 

Last Friday I (stupidly) decided to get Devil Spawns Santa photo done. He was not impressed at all and I had to be in the photo.  I was not particularly dressed for the occasion and the photos look horrible. I will have to cut the bottom off them to make them look decent FFS
 

Friday I also got Devil Spawns hair cut (clearly I am a glutton for punishment) and I promised him a toy if he listened to the hairdresser. He was good for the entire time. He then proceeded to pick out a $70 toy...I had to then deal with the tantrum when I said no FFS
 

Tuesday I had a strange woman come up to me and stroke my scars. My personal space bubble is giant, I definitely do not allow strangers to randomly stroke me FFS
 

Wednesday Devil Spawn decided to really flex his horns and screamed at me for an hour while we were out. In the middle of that hour was a doctors appointment FFS
 

The doctor wanted to offer him a lolly to shut him up...ah no I don't want him thinking that kind of behaviour can get rewarded FFS
 

When we finally got home I locked myself in my bedroom and called Papa Devil, crying like a bitch. I hate crying FFS
 

Today we are going to the movies. I now have to pay for Devil Spawn...$40 later FFS
 

If I hadn't bought the tickets before his public display of terribleness then there would be no way in hell we would be going to the movies today. But I am not wasting $40 FFS
 

At least going to the movies means 2 hours in an airconditioned room. NO FFS
 

Christmas is really fast approaching. Can I have another week to organise shit FFS
 

What's on your shit list this week? Are you organised for Christmas or do you need an extra week like me?
 

Head on over to Dear Baby G to read everyone else's FFS Friday Posts.

Sunshine Award

The lovely blogger that is Robomum has tagged me for a Sunshine Award.  I'm so thankful to her :)

“The Sunshine Award is an award given by bloggers to other bloggers. The recipients of the Sunshine Award are: “Bloggers who positively and creatively inspire others in the blogsphere”. The way the award works is this: Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them. Answer questions about yourself. Select 10 of your favourite bloggers, link their blogs to your post and let them know they have been awarded the Sunshine Award!”

Now for the fun part, the questions!

1. Favourite Time of the Year? Summer is easily my favourite time of the year. I hate being cold and love being able to go swimming. I also love being able to go out for dinner and not have to wear 10 layers because I feel the cold really easily.

2. Favourite Festive movie? Polar Express I think would have to be my favourite festive movie.  It's beautiful and simple. 

3. What is your Passion? Educating people about Mental Illness. Providing my own little slice of the internet that hopefully leads to someone understanding that little bit more about what a friend or family member is feeling when they experience the stigma of Mental Illness. I hope that little by little, my contribution to information about struggling with a Mental Illness will lead to a little less stigma in the world.  

4. Favourite Colour? Pink or Purple, or both together.

5. Favourite time of the Day? Night time when Devil Spawn has finally fallen asleep and I am watching trashy tv, enjoying the alone time.

6. Favourite Flower? I love frangipanis.

7. Favourite Non-Alcoholic Beverage? You mean these things exist? What is this sorcery you speak of!? Haha seriously though, I would have to say that Coke is my favourite drink.  As bad as it is for me, I just love the taste.

8. Favourite Physical Activity? I love going for a walk by myself with my music blaring in my ears. It's calming and helps me to escape. 

9. Favourite Vacation? Devil Spawn, Papa Devil and myself haven't been on a holiday where it is just us, doing what we want, in our time so this is more of a wish vacation.  

Now for the tagging fun!

1. 26 Years and Counting 
2. Just One More Chapter 
3. Ness of Boganville 
4. Good Golly Miss Holly 
5. Singular Insanity
6. Edenland
7. Magnetoboldtoo
8. Beautiful Clusters of Life
9. Make. Me. Up. Mandy
10. Present Imperfection

Christmas Menu - Reader's Choice

Wow! Thursday again. It's not long until Christmas now and this week it's all about my Christmas Menu.  I have had a giant spanner thrown in my works with Christmas and I have no idea what we are doing for Christmas Day.  Papa Devil has told me to just let him deal with and to trust him. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am finding this fucking hard.

My Christmas Menu is all cold stuff. It is way too hot to be slaving over a hot stove on Christmas Day. Not to mention salads can be made in the days leading up to the big day, which means that I don't even need to slave in the kitchen at all!

Nibblies:

We all know that Christmas Day involves eating way too much food that isn't the most healthiest options and you usually have enough left overs to last you 2 or 3 days after Christmas Day.

I'm not a big fan of Rum Balls and last year I discovered 'Tim Tam Balls'. They are delicious and so super easy to make.  Here is the recipe:

Tim Tam Balls 

Add to this lots of lollies, chips, biscuits and dips and the nibblies are complete.  My favourite dips are avocado and corn relish.  

Main Meal:

The meat for the main meal is usually a mix of seafood (mainly prawns), ham and chicken.  I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with Prawns. I love to eat them...hate peeling the little bastards.  It feels like you can't get the smell of them off your hands, no matter how many times you wash your hands.

Now for the salads!

I discovered a recipe for American Potato Salad a few months ago and it is to die for! I could and have sat and just had a big bowl of this salad on it's own.  I leave the skin on the potatoes and I don't cook the ham, I just put it in cold.  

Recipe here: American Potato Salad 

Another favourite salad is the Crispy Noodle Salad.  It's found on the back of the Changs Fried Noodles packet and is yum! It's a nice light salad that is so refreshing amongst the heavy foods that fill the rest of the Christmas Menu.  The recipe also includes how to make the dressing but if you are lazy busy like me, you can buy it premade.  

A staple at every event is the good old Garden Salad.  I usually use Iceberg Lettuce, continental cucumber, capsicum, salad onion and cheese.  I put the dressing to the side so that the salad doesn't go soggy.  

Dessert:

If you have any room left after scoffing the main meal then here comes dessert. Of course we all know that there is a separate stomach for desserts so there will always be room.

My mum makes Sticky Date Pudding every year. It is delicious with icecream and you will have to have tons of will power to only have one piece.

Sticky Date Pudding 

Last year I made a three layer icecream cake. It was really fiddly and took a fair amount of time but it was so worth it.

Christmas Cassata  

What's on your Christmas Menu this year? Are there any favourites that you make each year or do you like to change it up each year?

 

Blame Game

The trouble when you have to do a life cull is that you really notice the shitty behaviour of people that you surround yourself with.  It makes you wonder what on earth possessed you to become friends in the first place, to allow these people into the inner sanctum that is your friendship circle.
 

Over the last few months I have been conflicted about an issue. An issue that I have talked at length with friends and family about.  An issue that just won't go away.  An issue that stares me in the face every single day.  That's the trouble with living in a town where everyone seems to know everyone.  This issue looks me in the face every time I look at Devil Spawn and think what could have happened.  How I wish that I had done things differently that night.  Woulda, shoulda, coulda. Something that I am struggling with immensly is that MY son was placed in danger but I am being painted the bad guy.
 

I am protecting my son from influences that I do not want him in contact with but I am being painted as dividing a family.  Devil Spawn is not an adult, he needs to be protected.  Contrary to what others think, he was not able to consent to the situation he was placed in.  The adults in the situation had the choice to go anywhere else and do what they did, instead they chose to do it on my son's bed, while he was asleep.  I don't care how intoxicated they think they were, what they did is wrong.  I am not to blame.
It's amazing when someone does something wrong that their friends take on a mob mentality.  The internet allows this to happen. It's easy to get caught up in the ebb and flow of a situation.  Ease of access to the internet means that it's hard to escape it. It can be in your face constantly.  The trouble with a mob mentality is that there is always one person singled out. I have been witness to this over and over again. It was only when it happened to me that I noticed the effects it can have on someone.  Hindsight can be a bitch. 
 

When we do something wrong, the adult thing is to apologise. To realise what we did wrong and apologise. Unfortunately not everyone thinks this way.  Some people enjoy playing the blame game.  It's something we do as children, but hopefully, by the time we are adults have developed enough morals to apologise when we realise we have done something wrong or we are pulled up on actions that are offensive to others.  The trouble with the blame game is that it doesn't help anyone, especially you.  It doesn't help anyone move on, and more often than not it alienates you from those around you.  Accepting what you did and concentrating on not making the mistakes again is sometimes all that you can do. 
 

However sometimes there is nothing you can do..some people have what I have coined the 'Victim Syndrome'.  If there is anyway for them to play the victim, they will take it and run with it.  I have talked before about how me being suicidal and not on correct medication led to me holding up a chemist.  At no point did I say that what I did was right. I realised and still realise that what I did was wrong and that I was very lucky to get the sentence that I did.  I work to make sure that I do not get back to a place where I feel that desperate again.  I try not to just lay down and admit defeat because I have a little person who is relying on me to keep going. 

Unbearable

I've made no secret of the fact that I am struggling lately.  Things have started to take an all new 'low' though and something has to give.

 

I'm barely making the basic living needs of both Devil Spawn and I.  I am barely able to get out of bed each morning. This shit is mother fucking hard and I'm sick of everything being an effort.

 

I nap most of the day, to avoid the reality that is my life at the moment.  I close my eyes and pretend it doesn't exist.  I ignore Devil Spawn.  It's just too hard.  Then I stay awake most of the night, relishing the alone time.  If Devil spawn has gone to sleep at a reasonable time that is.

 

I struggle to cook dinner.  Devil Spawn and I are living mostly on a diet of take away and sandwiches.  This is not something I am proud of. I do want to change it.  I'm taking small steps. Teeny, tiny smaller than baby steps.  It's just so hard when your entire body feels like it is made of cement.  It's an effort just to get up.

 

Personal hygiene has fallen to the wayside. Anything that takes too much energy is cast aside.  I feel dirty. I don't care. I don't see the point. I don't care enough about myself.  If I could I would stay in bed all day, in my pyjamas, staring at the ceiling. I'm done. I can't do it.

 

Today was the first day in a long time that the feelings bordered on unbearable.  I relied on closing my eyes and pretending the world didn't exist.  I contemplated hurting myself. I felt sick at the thought. I hung onto that feeling.  It didn't help.  I scoured the house, looking for something to use as a 'bandage'. My perfection, the only thing stepping in the way.  I held onto that thought for dear life.  I considered calling the Crisis Team and we all know how fruitless that would have been. That is how 'real' shit got.  It was unbearable.  The only thing that kept me going was my ability to close my eyes...pretend it didn't exist.

 

I'm holding on by a thread. Things have to change. I just don't know how.

Monday Menu Plan

I am a rebel at heart and it seems whenever I decide something that I am going to cook that week/day, my good old brain goes nah I don't want to do that now. Yeh it's heaps of fun.  So to combat that, I just put together 7 meals and have them on whatever day I want.  

Here, in no particular order is my Meal Plan for the week.

Mac and Cheese. I add sausages or sometimes Chicken to this to give it the protein serving. Pasta is always a winner with Devil Spawn.

Bangers and Mash. 

Honey Chicken. Devil Spawn loves these kind of "noonals"and they are super quick and easy to make.  Definitely a winner when cooking.

Spag Bog. I pack this full of veggies and Devil Spawn is none the wiser.  He scoffs it like there is no tomorrow.

Lamb Chops and Veggies

Home Made Chicken Nuggets and Chips. I puree veggies and chicken together to make these.  I also add spices into the bread crumbs and they are divine. I usually make a big batch and freeze the rest, putting them into serving sizes in resealable bags.

Homemade Pizza and Garlic Bread. I make these pizzas using wraps.  I put whatever left over veggies and meat I have left on them.  Devil Spawn loves helping to make the pizzas.

What's on your menu this week?

Wishing for my Christmas

The Blogosphere has been all a twitter lately with a giant game of Tag your it of Christmas Wish Lists.  The fun started with Essentially Jess

Today I got tagged by Ann from Help!! I'm Stuck!! 

So I am sharing my 5 Christmas wishes and passing on the linky love.

1. I still want one of those damn Kmart Slushie Machines.  Papa Devil thinks it's a stupid present but it's what I want dammit! Yes I did just stomp my foot like a pouting toddler.
2. A maid and a chef.  I hate cooking and cleaning equally...that is with a passion.  It's also less self esteem crushing when Devil Spawn calls someone elses food 'begusting'.
3. A bigger house would be awesome to go with with the maid and chef..you know cos I don't have to clean it.  I'm not greedy, I don't want a mansion, Just something with a third bedroom and lots of cupboard space.
4. A bottomless vodka would be nice.  Of course with an endless bottle of lemonade to go with it.  Maybe one of those fridges that dispenses ice, but instead of ice it dispenses vodka.
5. Family holiday without and shit happening would also be nice.  Time to just relax and be us. You know...not having to meet anyone elses demands.  That would be bliss.

Now for the fun part! Tagging some awesome Bloggers for their Christmas Wishlist.

1. NessofBoganville 
2. RoboMum
3. Dear Baby G
4. Fat Heffalump
5. The Bumpiest Path

What's on your 'money is no object' Christmas Wishlist?

Packing my baggage

What will you take with you?
 

When I first saw this prompt I thought it was a bit morbid and it meant what will you take into the 'afterlife' if you believe in that stuff.  No, it's about what will I take with me into 2013.  It's sad but I will most likely carry a lot of baggage. Not good baggage (is it ever) but baggage that I need to leave behind.
 

The biggest bag in my baggage is anger. I have talked a lot about feeling like a ball of fury.  I have started to feel myself uncurl a little bit but it is still there. I'm quick to react, quick to anger, quick to expect the worst.  It's what happens when you get stabbed in the back while getting hugged by a friend.  A friendship ruined by betrayal is the hardest to get over.  If you just drift apart...you feel sad that you aren't as close but there is no horrible gut wrenching feeling.
 

I dwell on things too much. I bottle things up, I remember things with detail and play them over and over again in my head.  I think of things that I could have, should have, would have done.  It doesn't change the outcome, all it does is make me angrier. Angrier at the person, angrier at myself, angrier at the whole situation.
These are the things that I will take with me into the New Year.  They aren't the things that I want to take with me.  What I want to take is a calmer me, a me that takes things in their stride.  A person who realises that there is nothing that I can do about other peoples actions..regardless of how shitty they are, that beating myself up about it, won't change them.  A leopard rarely changes their spots. People who use and abuse, don't feel sorry for the way they treat people.  Even if they are supposed to be 'mature aged women', it won't stop them acting like highschool tarts.
 

That is my one thing that I want to get out of going to see a Psychologist. I want a calm way of letting out the frustration.  A way that doesn't see me bottling it up then exploding like a ticking time bomb.  It may take a long time.  It will be a lot of work, but I am excited for a new me. A me who doesn't take the shit that get's shovelled my way.  A me who speaks up when it's needed.  A me who doesn't snap after being pushed down for so long that there is nothing else to do.  Those who treat me right shouldn't be worried, those who act like giant douchebags...will not phase me anymore.

I will rise above this 

 

Boycott

Welcome to Reader's Choice Thursday again! The weeks are just getting away from me lately. I have started to write everything down so that I don't forget anything.  Phew so much to do, so little time.
This weeks winning Reader's Choice is 'Who I boycott and why'.
 

There are some companies that I avoid just because of their dismal customer service. Standing in a store for 20 minutes and receiving no help, is not the way to go about getting more customers through your door.  This company however isn't a boycott. If I need something and know exactly what I want, then I will go in there. 
 

However there is one store that I refuse to spend my money at.  I will not enter competitions held by them and would not accept marketing from them on this blog.  It is something that I feel that strong about.  What is this company you ask?  Gloria Jeans Coffee.  Now this isn't something that I came about because I had a bad experience with them but something reached because of research.
 

I wasn't aware of their partnerships until reading an article last year.  I was appalled and vowed to never shop there again.  Gloria Jeans have been linked to Anti-Gay campaigns and in 2012, in my eyes, this is just not acceptable.  In 2010, reporter Doug Pollard revealed that Gloria Jeans had donated $30,000 to the Australia Christian Lobby.  Upon questioning the Franchise of Gloria Jeans admitted to donating the money, but that they did not support the thinkings of of the ACL.  Why on earth would you donate then? We give money to things that we believe in, or have a place that is close to our hearts, or in a business sense, suit the persona that the business wants to show to the public.  I have no idea why a company in 2012 would feel it necessary to just throw money at a cause that they both don't believe in and had the potential to harm their business.
 

Gloria Jeans have also been linked to Mercy Ministries, an inpatient facility that provided treatment for women with 'life controlling issues'.  It was reported that these therapies also involved 'gay curing'.  In 2009, all Gloria Jeans stores displayed a collection box to raise funds for Mercy Ministries.  Mercy Ministries was allegedly closed due to violations of the trade act, it was only after this happened that Gloria Jeans stopped the partnership. 
 

There have been sites set up to help support those who have been effected by the Mercy Ministries, as well as a Boycott page that provides information in regards to the Anti Gay Movement. 
 

For more information check out these websites:

 http://boycottgloriajeans.com/

 http://www.mercysurvivors.com/about-2/

 https://www.facebook.com/BoycottGloriaJeans

Do you avoid any places? Is it more of a lack of customer service issue or something a bit deeper?

If you have a blog, please feel free to link up with your Reader's Choice.

 

Your Dream Destination

Today's prompt is What was your dream destination in 2012?
 

One of my besties lives 6 hours away.  To the seasoned traveller that may not seem very far away but to me it is an eternity.  I don't drive and Papa Devil has a boss that is a dick.  As it is, his boss is dragging his feet about giving Papa Devil an extra two weeks over the Christmas Break. His second 'holiday' since we've been together I might add.  He normally just works his way around the 10 or so days that the boss gives them off.  For someone who runs a shop on his own, 5 days a week, with no help, this is either dedication or pure stupidity.  I go between the two depending how things are going.
 

I would love to be able to visit my bestie more often.  Hell even a couple of times a year would be fine with me.  You know what...I'm sure the time off would do Papa Devil the world of good too.  No one can work as hard as he does and not burn out. 
 

In March we had organised a girls night down with my bestie.  It was supposed to be an entire weekend but because Papa Devil didn't ask for any time off, it was just a night.  I really wish it could have been longer.  Traveling 7 hours in a car with a hang over, on minimal sleep is shit. Don't do it...ever. We arrived there after midnight on Friday night and had to leave at around lunch time on Sunday. It was rushed and no where near enough time to spend with the bestie. 
 

Just a short one today as I'm working hard on Reader's Choice for tomorrow. 
 

What was your dream destination in 2012? Did you get to go there?

Celebrate YOUR SELF this festive season

Today's prompt is: How will you celebrate your self this festive season?
 

Since Devil Spawn came on the scene we have very much done what others have wanted. Gone here, there and everywhere. There hasn't been a year yet where we have just settled in for the day and well to put it simply, bludged. 
 

After last Christmas I told Papa devil that this year we are having our Christmas.  We are sitting at home, doing things at our pace and anyone who wants to join in is more than welcome (except Papa Devils son but that is a whole different story).  I'm really looking forward to it. 
 

I've sat down and written a list of food I want to have on Christmas Day.  All cold stuff, most likely to the horror of Oculus Mundi ;).  You know the old saying, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Well that is precisely what I plan on doing.  Scrumptious Prawns, ham on the bone and more salads that you can pole a stick at.  I may even have a go at a scrumptious dessert. I have been scouring Pinterest for.... research ahem.
 

At this stage I have no idea who will be here other than Papa Devil, Devil Spawn and myself and at the moment I am ok with that.  I will most likely freak out when it gets closer but at the moment my list making is keeping me calm.  I love a good list.
 

Once food is served and done, I intend on doing nothing but veging in the back yard or on the couch and drinking vodka.  Most likely it will be stinking hot so I inted to get Devil Spawn a pool between now and Christmas that we can lounge around in for the duration of the day.
 

Devil Spawn is more into the whole Christmas thing this year, so it will be great to leave biscuits and a beer out for Santa and see the excitement on his face on Christmas morning when he opens all of his presents. 
 

I want to celebrate my self by surrounding myself with the people who I love and love me right back.  Christmas can be such a stressful time and it's nice to have good people around you.
 

What are you doing this festive season?

What do you really wish for?

I'm joining in with #reverb12 Today's prompt is: What do you really wish for? 

This one has taken me all day to think about. I really don't know if I am any closer to having a clue, so I am just going to type and hopefully I will come up with an answer by the end of the post. So hang on tight for the random ramblings that has been my brain today. 

When someone asks me what I want my mind always goes blank. I can never think of anything. Even for things as simple as a birthday present. It is kind of like the age old, so tell me about yourself...ah well yeh I'm a woman and that's as far as I usually get. When thinking about what I really wish for, nothing seemed 'big' enough, significant enough. Everything felt like it was trivial and small.

Of course we all think of the world peace and end world hunger but I felt like this had to be something personal. Something selfish and just for me. We all wish for happiness for ourselves and for our family but that felt too mainstream. I needed something tangible, something that didn't feel so whimsicle. I didn't know whether to think of something that at this point in time was out of my reach (mansion anyone?) or whether to have something that was a little more attainable. Whether I should think of something I could achieve in 2013 or something that was going to take a lot longer than that. Something that would take one big effort and be done with or something that would require ongoing work. That's when it hit me. 

I knew exactly what I wanted to wish for. My mojo and my enthusiasm for life. It will need a lot of work but it will be worth it in the end. It's something that will have a flow on effect to all parts of my life. At the moment it requires a lot of effort just to get out of bed in the mornings. There is no energy or motivation left for anything else. My energy comes in small bursts and I try to take advantage of it. These bursts seem to be few and far between. Tomorrow is my first appointment with a new psychologist. I am hoping that it will be the first step towards getting my mojo back.

My Most Significant Purchase of 2012

I'm starting a day late with Reverb12. Its a great post prompter to help us remember all the great things we did this year. As well as to help us reflect and make changes so that 2013 can be better. 

Day 2 is 'My most significant purchase of 2012' 

2012 seemed to be the year of never quite getting far enough ahead. As a result I only had one large purchase this year. I was my lovely, white HP laptop. 

My little netbook had been annoying me for a while at the lack of power and size. If you only use your computer for social media and blogging, then a netbook is really not a good choice. Then the moment that everyone computer owner dreads happened...the blue screen of death. Thankfully it seemed to keep recovering, but each time I was apprehensive that this would be the last time. After a bit of searching around I discovered that my little netbook was filled to the brim and that it would probably benefit from a clean out and have all the non essential stuff transferred to a external hard drive. 

It was coming up to tax time so I set aside some money to buy a hard drive. Anyone who knows me well knows that I am the queen of impulse buying. I went into a local electronics store with the intention of buying a hard drive. I decided to take a bit of a squiz at the laptops and see if there was anything in my price range. Cue 30 minutes later, and I was walking out the door with my new laptop. 

I love my laptop. I don't have a great deal of space in my tiny unit so it's great to have a laptop that I can sit on the couch with and watch tv while I am surfing the net. This is also probably why I rarely get to sleep before midnight. 

What has been a significant purchase for you in 2012?