Packing my baggage

What will you take with you?
 

When I first saw this prompt I thought it was a bit morbid and it meant what will you take into the 'afterlife' if you believe in that stuff.  No, it's about what will I take with me into 2013.  It's sad but I will most likely carry a lot of baggage. Not good baggage (is it ever) but baggage that I need to leave behind.
 

The biggest bag in my baggage is anger. I have talked a lot about feeling like a ball of fury.  I have started to feel myself uncurl a little bit but it is still there. I'm quick to react, quick to anger, quick to expect the worst.  It's what happens when you get stabbed in the back while getting hugged by a friend.  A friendship ruined by betrayal is the hardest to get over.  If you just drift apart...you feel sad that you aren't as close but there is no horrible gut wrenching feeling.
 

I dwell on things too much. I bottle things up, I remember things with detail and play them over and over again in my head.  I think of things that I could have, should have, would have done.  It doesn't change the outcome, all it does is make me angrier. Angrier at the person, angrier at myself, angrier at the whole situation.
These are the things that I will take with me into the New Year.  They aren't the things that I want to take with me.  What I want to take is a calmer me, a me that takes things in their stride.  A person who realises that there is nothing that I can do about other peoples actions..regardless of how shitty they are, that beating myself up about it, won't change them.  A leopard rarely changes their spots. People who use and abuse, don't feel sorry for the way they treat people.  Even if they are supposed to be 'mature aged women', it won't stop them acting like highschool tarts.
 

That is my one thing that I want to get out of going to see a Psychologist. I want a calm way of letting out the frustration.  A way that doesn't see me bottling it up then exploding like a ticking time bomb.  It may take a long time.  It will be a lot of work, but I am excited for a new me. A me who doesn't take the shit that get's shovelled my way.  A me who speaks up when it's needed.  A me who doesn't snap after being pushed down for so long that there is nothing else to do.  Those who treat me right shouldn't be worried, those who act like giant douchebags...will not phase me anymore.

I will rise above this