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Packing my baggage

Friday, 7 December 2012

Packing my baggage

What will you take with you?
When I first saw this prompt I thought it was a bit morbid and it meant what will you take into the 'afterlife' if you believe in that stuff.  No, it's about what will I take with me into 2013.  It's sad but I will most likely carry a lot of baggage. Not good baggage (is it ever) but baggage that I need to leave behind.
The biggest bag in my baggage is anger. I have talked a lot about feeling like a ball of fury.  I have started to feel myself uncurl a little bit but it is still there. I'm quick to react, quick to anger, quick to expect the worst.  It's what happens when you get stabbed in the back while getting hugged by a friend.  A friendship ruined by betrayal is the hardest to get over.  If you just drift feel sad that you aren't as close but there is no horrible gut wrenching feeling.
I dwell on things too much. I bottle things up, I remember things with detail and play them over and over again in my head.  I think of things that I could have, should have, would have done.  It doesn't change the outcome, all it does is make me angrier. Angrier at the person, angrier at myself, angrier at the whole situation.
These are the things that I will take with me into the New Year.  They aren't the things that I want to take with me.  What I want to take is a calmer me, a me that takes things in their stride.  A person who realises that there is nothing that I can do about other peoples actions..regardless of how shitty they are, that beating myself up about it, won't change them.  A leopard rarely changes their spots. People who use and abuse, don't feel sorry for the way they treat people.  Even if they are supposed to be 'mature aged women', it won't stop them acting like highschool tarts.
That is my one thing that I want to get out of going to see a Psychologist. I want a calm way of letting out the frustration.  A way that doesn't see me bottling it up then exploding like a ticking time bomb.  It may take a long time.  It will be a lot of work, but I am excited for a new me. A me who doesn't take the shit that get's shovelled my way.  A me who speaks up when it's needed.  A me who doesn't snap after being pushed down for so long that there is nothing else to do.  Those who treat me right shouldn't be worried, those who act like giant douchebags...will not phase me anymore.

I will rise above this 

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At 7 December 2012 at 22:57 , Anonymous Ang said...

:D I think we all to a degree bottle it up. My best friend is Mic but he is my biggest piece of baggage that I guess I will take into 2013. The problem with him being my best friend is that when he is my problem, I seem to bottle it all up as to not 'kick him when he's down'. Essentially he feels like my third child when this happens and I have to 'rise above' it all and 'deal' with it to try and make our family a little easier to deal with. This results in an often very touchy and angry mum who wishes she could ditch the baggage so it will stop dragging me down. Only problem is that it isn't really going to make anything better than it is now, well maybe but it will create a whole lot more crappy baggage

At 8 December 2012 at 05:06 , Blogger ann said...

I love that Seether song. I really hope you can let go of unwanted anger next year.

At 8 December 2012 at 07:17 , Blogger Grace said...

The fact that you've identified all of these things is that step closer to finding resolutions within yourself.
I have a lot of pent up anger too and ask for a calmer me every day. Once I realised this about myself, I felt like I was on the road to recovery.
We all get there. x

At 8 December 2012 at 08:01 , Anonymous Shari said...

No-one needs 'friends' like that and I am so glad you recognise the anger as something you want to be rid of and YAY for seeking some professional help. Baby steps, baby steps and with the work you're prepared to put in, you'll arrive at that calmer place. 2013 IS the year x


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