I plead insanity

 We all have those relationships in our past that make us think WTF, was I drunk the entire time.  Whenever Devil Papa and I are having a bit of rough patch, I go and Facebook stalk one ex, lets call him Dick, just to remind myself where I could be.  It certainly helps bring me back to reality! Dick is six beers short of a six pack..even that is being generous.  I of course claim insanity, alcoholism and any other decision impairing substance for that little blight on my history.
 

Our relationship was short, mostly of me being drunk, him being naive and a relationship that looked more like mother and son to the outsiders.  Someone once remarked to me that if I ever fell pregnant to this guy that she'd hope that it would inherit my brain and not that fathers lack of, so that I could at least have an intelligent conversation with someone.  Our relationship ended when I sobered up a bit and realised what the hell he was really like. 
 

Even after we broke up, he kind of hung around for a while.  Like a lost puppy or something.  At the time I was living in hostel like accommodation, with 6 other women.  We were all crackers so it made for an interesting living arrangement, one that always meant someone had alcohol.  One of the 'rules' was that there was to be no men staying, a rule we all broke regularly. It was kind of an unwritten rule, you keep quiet, don't cause a fuss and everyone will turn the blind eye cos they've no doubt done worse.
 

One particular day Dick decided to pay me a visit and rode a push bike from his place on the other side of town, to my place...a journey of about 7km.  He put his bike in front of the house, thinking it would be safe inside the yard.  Upon leaving the house again, we discovered his bike was gone. One of the ladies, who I was friendly with was sitting on the steps. I asked her if she had seen what happened to the bike. She took one look at me, and promptly burst out laughing.  She was laughing so hard she had to go and get her asthma inhaler before telling us what had happened to the bike....
 

It had turned out one of the other ladies had thought some hooligan (the thought of Dick having the forethought to commit a crime still makes me laugh) had pinched a bike and dumped it at our house...so she called the police to have it picked up.  Surprisingly they were pretty prompt and had taken the bike to the police station already.  A phone call to the boys in blue revealed that Dick would have to go down to the station to identify his bike.
 

I decided that I should tag along, you know for shits and giggles. Plus the bottlo was on the way.  There was plenty of giggling the whole walk there, all 12 blocks of it. More from me, less from Dick.  I figured he'd tell them what his bike looked like and be over with it, turned out I was wrong, things were about to get a hell of a lot funnier...well for me anyway, well at least after I finished explaining to them that, no I wasn't there to sign in and doing three times a week was enough thanks folks.  I'm here with this dickhead, seemed to clear it all up though.
 

As the plot thickened, it turned out that the bike was his mates and he couldn't remember exactly what it looked like. Not one single detail.  Something which I didn't know until he was asked by the officer in charge.  Long story short, they wouldn't give him the bike.  Cue more laughter from me.  He then had to ring said mate, who had no idea that Dick had borrowed his brand new bike and tell him that he had to pick his bike up from the police station.  To say his mate wasn't impressed, was an understatement. 
All in all it was an afternoon of entertainment still makes me laugh even now, 6 years later.
 

Do you have an ex in your closet that you'd rather forget? Share your stories, make me feel a little better about Dick.

Loose Lips

Everyone knows that alcohol loosens your lips...but should it loosen your hips.  I call my vodka my 'liquid courage', it helps me say the things that I am just too damn afraid to say.  

Some people may say I am obnoxious...that is only if you find yourself at the end of my accusing eye. I take everything in, ruminate on it, save it up for a rainy day. So you know if I have a 'go' at you about something, I have been thinking about you, for a long time.
 

Alcohol is no excuse. I have done some stupid stuff while drunk, stuff that I am not proud of. It doesn't change the fact that, I CHOSE TO DRINK. Some people seem to struggle with this.  They are happy to lay blame on a liquid. 
 

It seems to have become socially acceptable in our society to act like a complete douchehog every time there is even a drop of alcohol in our system.  This needs to stop. You may feel like I am preaching from some 'high' place. I am not. I am just someone who is struggling to come to terms with the decisions they have made.  People that I have decided to allow into my life. People that I have since cut off.
 

Where is your line? I used to think that mine was pretty clear. Turns out it is not.  I let people act in ways that I wouldn't normally accept. I was lonely and didn't want to lose friendships.  It came to the point where I had to choose between the safety of my son and my friends.  Despite my struggles, my son will win every time.
 

Alcohol is no excuse. Ever. If you don't want to be accused of shitty behaviour, then don't act shitty. I have been trying to live up to my 'resolutions'. I have since added another. It's about not just sitting around and bitching, its about doing what needs to be done. So far I have accomplished that. I feel much more complete from doing something rather than sitting back and letting the evil prosper.

Fairy's don't wear shoes

I love getting dressed up in costume. No I'm not talking about the bedroom you dirty minded people! I'm talking the kind that you can wear out in public.  Although some girls get the two mixed up.  In the town that I grew up in, Halloween parties were an excuse for everyone to go all out. It was great fun to see everyone dressed up.
 

When I was 16, I went as a fairy.  The costume involved a blode wig, floaty pjs, a crown, a wand and a piece of tulle that was masquerading as a tutu.  What it didn't involve was shoes, which, later in the night was to become my undoing.
 

 Early in the night there was a pre party, party. Complete with Jelly Shots that the coppers wife had made*. They were potent and soon became the initiation to the party.  My 'terrible' parents would only let me have one.  It seemed that the blonde wig had 'magically' transformed my logs and one of the party guests, a friend of my parents started hitting on me.  Up until the point where his wife politely reminded him that he was married and I was only 16. The poor bastard was flat out standing, let alone being able to see further than 2 foot in front of him.
 

The town party was in the town hall. I don't think you've really 'lived' in a small town until you have attended a disco or event in the town hall. It's usually got polished wood floors, no aircon, and 1000's of windows. At least the ones when I was growing up were. Not so much now.  It also wouldn't be complete without sneaking out the back (they always have a yard out the back) and drinking smuggled alcohol.  Usually Rum, which I think kind of tasted like arse.  You stay out late and feel bad arse cos you were the last to leave.
 

One thing that I had failed to factor into my costume choice was the walk home. My feet are pansies. I can't walk barefoot on anything other than cement or indoors.  They are so fucking sensitive.  This doesn't bode well for the gravel road that I had to take to get home.  I decided that it would be 'safer' to walk in the gutter, it being cement and all. I was wrong. The cement had corroded away and the metal was sticking out. The metal went straight into my pansy feet and ripped it open. There was blood and it hurt like a mofo. I was still half a block from home, so had to walk on my heel and the cut was on the ball of my foot.  It got worse.
 

I managed to limp home. I was crashing around the house looking for tissues and a bandaid or bandage of some description. This woke my mum, who before that was in a drunker stupor.  I was sitting in the bath, trying to work out what the fuck I was going to do with my foot.  Mum came in and had the brain fart idea that it needed to be washed out with dettol, in case it would get infected.  She insisted she would just dab a couple of drops on. Turned out her version of a couple of drops is half the bottle. It stung like a mofo.  Funnily enough it never did get infected.
 

The plus side to all of this was that I got to go to school in thongs for a week as I couldn't possibly fit my bandaged foot into my joggers. Any excuse really.
 

Have you had any costume party mishaps? Are your feet pansies too?

Personal Space

I have a giant personal space bubble. Christmas shopping, being in crowded spaces in general invades that personal space bubble. I don't like it. It's something that grates on my nerves.  I don't like being touched without warning, and I do not appreciate strangers coming and touching me.  I even flinch when Papa Devil and Devil Spawn touch me.  I'm not a touchy feely kind of person.  If I hug you, know that it comes from a place that I really had to reach deep down to do it.
 

This week I had a woman invade my personal space and stroke my scars.  I looked at her in horror, completely speechless as to what would possess someone to stroke a person, who they didn't know's arm. I would never touch someone I didn't know. At least not while sober! My look of horror must have worked as she recoiled pretty quickly. No apology was offered though. It was not an accidental brush, we were the only two people standing at the bus stop. 
 

This weekend I went out with a few girlfriends.  Clubbing is a BIG breach of my personal space bubble. Occasional, accidental bumps I can handle. In my face, being obnoxious I cannot. This seems to be the only thing that males think exists when it comes to the dance floor.  Seriously what is with that? I am here to dance, trying not to feel like a complete dickhead, I do not need you grinding yourself on my leg like a dog humping it's favourite toy.  One guy attempted to get close to me and spilt his drink down my leg.  Drink wastage is not cool!
Do you have a giant personal space bubble or are you happy to be close to people?
 

Just a short one from me tonight.  Head to my Facebook Page to vote for this weeks Reader's Choice. It will be the last one for the year so make it a good one :)

Tasty Summer Treat!

*The following post is a review of Smooze Fruit Ice.  I received 8 products to test and give my thoughts on. All opinions expressed in the following post are my own. No monetary compensation was made for my opinions.*
 

I was super excited when I was contacted to review the Smooze Fruit Ice products.  It has been stinking hot here lately and I was pumped to try out a new frozen treat.  Upon receiving them, they promptly went into my freezer.  I think I checked them every couple of hours to see if they were frozen yet haha! I'm not sure if it is my dodgy freezer but they seemed to take a bit longer than normal ice blocks to be completely frozen. 
 

 When reading all about Smooze Fruit Ice, the first thing that stood out to me was that they are dairy free.  With allergies on the increase, it is so refreshing to see companies making yummy treats for those who can't indulge in dairy ice cream.  "Smooze Fruit Ice is made with a base of coconut milk, with real fruit added to create four delicious flavours – Pineapple + Coconut, Pink Guava + Coconut, Mango + Coconut and Simply Coconut.  Available in boxes of 10, Smooze Fruit Ice doesn’t need to be frozen all the time, making it a convenient addition to the pantry all-year around."
 

I have to admit I was a bit worried that with the Smooze Fruit Ice being made with coconut milk, I thought the coconut flavour would be quite strong and overpowering. I was however pleasantly surprised and they offered a sweet refreshing treat on a hot afternoon.  They were  a definite winner with Devil Spawn who devoured two in one sitting.  That's the great thing about them, they are small enough for little hands to handle.  The thicker cardboard packaging also means that they aren't too cold for little hands to handle. 
 

 In my package of yum I also received a few drink recipes to try with the Smooze Fruit Ice.  The breakfast smoothies weren't overly appealing to me but when I saw a Mocktail recipe I just knew that I had to try it.  Turning it into a Cocktail of course.  It was delicious and hit the spot after a long day of toddler wrangling. 

Tropical Mocktail
1 Coconut + Pineapple Smooze Fruit Ice
1/2 can Passionfruit Pulp
1 serve of Sugar Syrup *see note
1 Handful of Ice
 

Method:
In a blender mix together Smooze Fruit Ice, Sugar Syrup and Handful of Ice.  If you are using Icecubes from your freezer then I suggest smashing up the ice before blending otherwise it will take forever to chop up the ice. 
 

Pour mixture into a glass of your choice (or in my case plastic cup because I have a toddler and we can't have nice shit when he's around) and mix through Passionfruit Pulp with a spoon.
*Note: Sugar Syrup is made with 3 Tablespoons of brown sugar and a dash of water, enough to make a syrup consistency.
Add alcohol of your choice. I used vodka and I was yum! I think Malibu would go nicely with it as well.

 

 Smooze Fruit Ice doesn't need to be frozen at all times, so makes a great addition to your pantry.  In my local Coles I found them in the same aisle as the Ice-cream cones and toppings.  The media release I received stated the RRP as $6.49 AUD for a box of 10.  I went into Coles this morning to suss them out and found out that they are $5.99. Score! I love them so much I went and got my own box as we finished off the products we received yesterday.
 

They will definitely be a feature in The Funny Farm's Summer this year!
 

What's your favourite thing to eat or drink on a hot day? Have you tried Smooze?

FFS Friday 16th November

Friday! Yay! FFS time! Yay! This post really is my favourite to write.  While not so fun experiencing it all at the time, it's so simple to write. I also love reading everyone else's posts and laughing with (ok you got me AT) them about their FFS moments of the week.  So here we go....
 

I had so much FFS that I decided to start writing them down on Sunday FFS
 

On Friday I (stupidly) took Devil Spawn with me shopping for a party dress. He ran around the shop while I attempted to dodge the stares of the very impatient sales assistant FFS
 

The dress that I went in for, wasn't available FFS
 

I couldn't find what I wanted so had to submit to asking the impatient sales assistant for help. FFS
 

What she picked out actually looked great NO FFS
 

I spent a small fortune on said dress. The straps broke after wearing it for an hour FFS
 

Devil Spawn lovingly passed on his gastro. Which decided to rear it's ugly head while I was at the clubs. Throwing up in a club toilet is never classy FFS.
 

I was at home, in bed, completely sober at 1230am I continued to vomit most of the night FFS
 

Papa Devil looked after Devil Spawn all day Saturday so I could sleep it off. NO FFS
 

We were all in bed by 730pm because we were all so exhausted. Which was lucky because Devil Spawn decided that 3am is totes a cool time to wake up for the day. FFS
 

Tuesday morning Devil Spawn woke up covered in a rash. We spent 3 hours at ED while he was climbing the walls FFS
It was an allergic reaction...to something FFS
 

They were gone by the end of the day. NO FFS
 

He woke up the next day covered again in the rash FFS
 

I did 5 loads of washing to wash all of his bedding and our clothes because my washing machine is shitty and only lets me do half a load FFS
 

He woke up again on Thursday covered in the rash FFS
A friend and I walked to and from Mums Group this week. It was stinking hot. I'm unfit. I nearly died FFS
 

That's my week of FFS. What's pissed you off this week?
Linking up with Dear Baby G head on over to read other peoples FFS moments and maybe feel a little better about your week.

The REAL affordable gift guide.

Now that we are on the countdown to the fat man visiting, it's time to start thinking about what to get our loved ones.  Or the people you have to get gifts for.  I've seen a few gift lists getting around already but I haven't found one that is in the budget of struggle street.  I couldn't give Devil Spawn the gifts I do without the joys of Christmas Layby.  For everyone else, I usually do a mad dash in the month before Christmas by trying to find shit that is cheap but doesn't look it.

For the Devil Mama:

Retro Slushy Machine, Kmart: $39

As soon as I saw this baby in Kmart I knew I had to have one. So I could share with the whole family. Ah hell who am I kidding, my first thought was 'Woo vodka slushies'.

Slushy Magic, Big W: $14.86

Slushy without the mess? You had me at hello. This bad boy would be great for more vodka slushies.  Nom nom nom

Mighty Peep-Toe Heel, Target: $50
I love a hot pair of heels. Sadly they do not love me.  I would buy these just to walk around the house in!

A6 Patten Journal, Typo: $6.95

 It's no secret that I love notebooks. When Typo opened up near me I nearly wet my pants with excitement. It was a porn shop for the stationary lover.  I could spend hundreds in there. Then my bank balance kindly reminds me, calm down fuck head you haven't got enough money to buy all the things.

For the Devil Papa

West Tigers Jersey, Best and Less: On sale for $40
Devil Papa is a mad West Tigers fan.  I usually buy him something footy related for Christmas. Last year him and Devil Spawn got matching footy shorts. They look a bit cute.

Dogfight Double Gift Set Spitfire MkVB/Messerschmitt Bf109-F 1/48 Airfix from Mega Hobby: $29.74

Devil Papa loves making model airplanes. In fact he loves all things war planes.  This is definitely a go to gift for us.  It's something that he will use and he enjoys.

Galway Pipe, Dan Murphy's: $29.45

Devil Papa loves a good drop of Port.  Me personally I think it tastes gross. This is his favourite kind, so it's an easy, inexpensive gift.

 

Gifts for the Devil Spawn

Hot Wheels Colour Shifters, Kmart: $15

I always wanted one of these when I was kid. So of course what use is having a kid if you can't live through them.  No doubt I will get sick of picking up the pieces after a week but it will be fun while it lasts.

   Despicable Me, Kmart: $13

This movie never gets old. Even after Devil Spawn watched it 4 times in a row while I was sick.  Sadly our copy has died so this is on the wish list.  One of my favourite things to do on Christmas Day after stuffing yourself with too much food is to lay around and watch a movie. So I try to get Devil Spawn a DVD in his massive Christmas Haul.

Rectangular Family Pool, Big W: $30.

Australia is known for it's stinking hot climate.  Rockhampton Christmas Day is usually no exception.  There's nothing better than getting rip roaring drunk and lounging around in the kiddies pool. Best thing is that this can be used by the whole family.

What's on your Christmas wish list this year? Do you leave your present buying to the last minute or are you super organised and have it all done already?

 Note: This is not a sponsored post I just really like all this stuff.

Girls night

This Friday night I am doing what every girl needs every now and then. I'm having a girls night out.  You have no idea how much I am looking forward to it.  Nothing beats letting your hair down sans kids with your closest girl friends.
 

I'm doing the preparation for it now because having a child has bought out the need to have everything organised days in advance part in me that was always laying dormant. I whipped out one my new notebooks and started making a list, checking it twice all that shiz.  Like I said I am super excited.
 

It got me feeling all stiff in the pants about past nights out and I started looking through old pics.  Oh the shame but oh there was so much fun had in making all that shame!

So with that I decided to share with you all my girls night adventures in picture form. Have fun and let loose baby!

 No girls night out is complete without the drinks before going out. You know because drinks at clubs are so damn expensive.

Screw cups and straws. They're overrated.

Occasionally I'm a laaaaady and use a grown up glass.  

Motorboating always makes the night much more fun.

It's not a night out clubbing unless you take at least one selfy in the toilet.

Then of course there is the morning after where you check out your wounds.  These are usually caused by the fact that the only time you wear heels is when you go out once every 6 months.  Of course you've never worn the shoes before and you will always get a blister.

Do you enjoy a good girls night out? Or maybe a boys night out? Are you long overdue for one?

FFS Friday 23rd December

I wasn't going to do this, this week as I was going to be *way too busy* but Major Man is being an arse so I think it's warranted.

MM finished work yesterday and had 'after work drinks'.  He stumbled in the door at 5am, minus his glasses with a stupid had on. We are supposed to go shopping today FFS

MM still hasn't got me a Christmas present. I made it simple for him, told him what I want and where to buy it.  It's not that hard FFS

For some unknown reason Mini Man thinks I am his personal footrest.  As I'm typing this he has his legs across my lap.  Some personal space would be nice child FFS

I went through MM wallet this morning...I'm hoping like hell that, that money in there is a Christmas bonus and not him withdrawing his entire pay for the week.  How on earth did he not get mugged walking home from the clubs last night FFS

Why don't bottlo's do deliveries like Dominos? I sure as hell could have done with a six pack at 5am this morning FFS

Did I mention that when MM came home he also woke the Mini Man, so we've both been awake since 5am.  MM of course promptly fell asleep at 530am but we are still no where near a nap FFS

When I say nap, I'm talking about the thing that Mini Man avoids like the plague for 360 days of the year.  When I vent about it on facebook, don't respond by saying how glad you are that YOUR 2 yo is still have 2 naps a day. I  will have to hold myself back from coming over and stabbing you...or swapping kids FFS

Again kid get your damn feet off me I am finding it very hard to type when you are using me as a resistance weight for your legs.  FFS

Why do some people feel the need to report photos needlessly.  A friend posted a photo of her sons ARM covered in a rash on facebook and it got removed because someone reported it as pornographic material.  Did I mention she posted it in a private mums group.  Grow up people FFS

It's the silly season! What has pissed you off this week?  Head over to Dear Baby G and have a giggle or link up what has pissed you off this week.

Merry Christmas! Hope the fat man visits you all.

Here's a scary thought....

On the weekend I learnt a few things about the food I 'love' and just what it takes to burn those 'loves' off.  I also learnt that a good rest is vital for walking up a mountain....a hangover is not.

So this.....

+

=

I also discovered that if I want to enjoy my Grand Angus with Large Fries then I need to do a hell of a lot of exercise to stay in front and still lose weight.  A Grand Angus and Large Fries is worth 1085 calories....today I did a pump class and walked 6km while pushing Mini Man and burnt 1248 cals....Scary isn't it.

+

Equals the same calorie intake as:

+

+

Scary isn't it....

It all starts here....

This week I signed up for the Michelle Bridges 12 Week Body Transformation.  It's quite possibly a eek what the fuck have I done moment.

In typical me fashion after I signed up I ate a large pizza and a packet of tim tams.  Hello self sabotage!  It's been hanging around in the wings for months.  I'm hoping that this program really gets me in the right headspace.  I need this! I'm sick of not liking what is in the mirror.  

This is what I am going to miss the most.  I am starting already with alternating no alcohol weekends.  I'm not cutting it out completely...maybe trying to cut down...we'll see how that goes.  

This is fucking hard yo

I don't even fucking like wine and yes I am still in my pjs!

Today the Mini Man turned 2...hello onslaught of comments to the tune of 'here start the terrible twos'. Now I think I speak for almost every parent of a toddler when saying 'it fucking began months ago morons'.

One of the things that no one prepares you for in parenthood is the sheer amount of strangers with 'sage' advice.  Much of it is outdated and you really have to restrain yourself from punching them in the head.  Sometimes I am sure that these people really have forgotten what it is like to have a toddler.  Don't get me wrong some of the advice they have is golden...like the old lady who told me to put a couple of drops of water in the children's panadol to thin it out and make it easier to swallow.  Now that was a pearl of wisdom...no more choking on the panadol for Mini Man.

There is no switch that suddenly turns your baby into a terror at midnight on the day they turn 2.  No its a gradual, grinding you down until there is nothing left process.  By the time you actually get to the age of 2, its become a way of life and you can't remember life being any other way.  Oh yes it's that bad here.  I yelled at Mini Man on his birthday....yes it's that bad.