Crisis Schmisis

Last night I realised the positive power of social media and once again the short falls of my local after hours crisis centre.  I am both amazed and appalled that women who I have never met IRL helped more than trained 'professionals'.

Things came to a head like a great big pussy pimple and I needed help stat!  I had been texting my best friend back and forth most of the day.  I had been waiting a week for my case manager to call me back, I missed her call.  I spent the rest of the day building up the confidence to call back and working out what to say.  I finally called her back and she told the receptionist that she would call me back...she didn't...again.

I have very, very, very little faith in my local crisis team and inpatient unit.  So the fact that I relented and called them, I think shows the frame of mind that I was in, and the distress that I was feeling.  

As soon as a voice answered on the other end I blurted out "I want to cut myself".  He asked if I had spoken to anyone else about this and I said that I had been waiting for my case manager to call me back but she hadn't.  What did he surmise from this? That the solution to my crisis was to send my case manager an email and problem fixed.  I started crying and asked what I was supposed to do in the mean time? His answer? I sent your case manager an email, problem solved.  I called him a wanker and hung up.

He called back...I won't bore you with the details but the conversation pretty much followed the same line as the first one...my problem was already solved.  I told him I wasn't coping with my child and the care of him and he told me that everyone goes through that and to suck it up, go watch a movie and it will blow over. I. Am. Not. Kidding.

The scary thing about this experience? It's not a one off, they weren't just having a bad night.  I can count on one finger the amount of times that they  have been helpful.  They are the first port of call before being hospitalised.  If you present at the ED, you have to pass these gate keepers.  Depending on the time that you present...you might not even see a doctor before being sent on your merry way.  Regardless of your state you can be sent on your way without seeing a doctor.

I have been dragged to the ED by police and still they said that the Dr didn't want to leave the comfort of his bed and send me on my way.  Even the police were appalled.  

The first time I had contact with them my parents had driven 8 hours for the 'privilege' only to be told 'she's not old enough to be in our unit' even though at the time I was 18 and a half.  Our referring GP was told that I was guaranteed a bed and that I needed to be hospitalised.  It took my mum 'making a scene' for them to admit me.  Even though I had just gone through surgery to fix something I had done to myself, I wasn't considered 'sick enough'.

I am really appalled that as a developed country we still have this fight to have mental illness treated and to be treated with respect.  Most of the time we don't have the energy to jump through the hoops they set for us and self harm, criminal activity, drinking, taking drugs is just 'easier' than having to deal with the crap these 'professionals' deal us.

Decided to link up with Dear Baby G's For Fuck Sake Friday.  Pop over and show some comment love or link up with a post if you have something that has been driving you up the wall this week.

Fuckitol

Today I need a big dose of this....

Everything is compounding and it feels as though nothing is going the way it is supposed to.  I sit in the house because I can't be bothered putting on a smile to face the world.  I make plans because I know that staying stuck in my house doesn't do anyone any favours but I pull out at the last minute because I work myself up about it too much.

I finally worked up the courage to ring my case manager, after talking about it extensively with one of my best friends...only to have her not call me back.  I got a phone call two days later to say that she was on holidays, had been all week and wouldn't be back until Monday... I am at a loss as to why the receptionist didn't mention this.  I hate the public health system.

Major is frustrated at me because I won't just 'perk' up.  He of all people should know that it isn't that easy.  Mixed all up with that is anger and frustration.  I want to just get off this damn roller coaster called life.  I'm done.  My case manager will ask me if I feel safe....I have no idea

Maybe it IS helping

I had a bit of an 'aha' moment last week after my case manager appointment.  It kind of kicked me in the guts and made me realise what is really going on.

What if, what they are doing is actually helpful? The previous ones not so much but maybe the new one.  Sleeping during an appointment is never helpful....unless it's a sleep study and even then it should be me asleep not them.

What has made me come to this conclusion you ask? It kind of hit me when I was actually open at the last appointment.  Instead of letting me wallow, she told me I was doing fine and talking me through what I should do if the situations arise again.  This is what 'therapy' is about.  

I was so caught up in how horrible I felt and how horrible I am that I forget the good stuff that had happened and that I had done.  She reminded me of that, without being condescending or brushing the issue off.  

I think that, that has been the issue in the past, I have felt that by saying I am doing well that they are brushing it off.  Not the new one.  She acknowledges what I am feeling and then reminds me of the 'truth' of the situation.  

Now if only she could be more reliable on the contact front we would have a perfect case manager.

FFS Friday 16th December 2011

Sarah over at Dear Baby G writes a post each Friday about what pissed her off during the week.  This week I decided to join in on the fun.

This week I had an appointment with my case manager.  She turned up this time....40 minutes early.  I had no pants on and had to do a mad dash to go and get changed FFS.

I scour the web for 'inspired' meals for Mini Man and I.  I then slave over the stove and almost use every pot and pan I own.  If it is especially exotic I have to go out and buy new utensils or dishes.  He is happy to eat a whole loaf of garlic bread...from dominos FFS

For the third week in a row Major Man's son and his kids have come over during the only time that we really get time together during the week.  They sit around and drink piss while I have to deal with the 3 kids trashing my house.  Two out of the three weeks I have fed them.  Major Man is then an arse to deal with because he's drunk FFS

Shopping centers really need moron tests.  If you don't pass you can't come back for a month.  If you fail 3 times in a row then you are banned for life.  If you have ever spent extended periods of time in a shopping centre or work in retail I am sure you can sympathise with that.  Engage the brain before you step outside the door people.  FFS

What is with the arse hanging out of bottom of shorts fashion and why are 12 year olds indulging in it? You can't go anywhere without your eyes being assaulted from all directions by arse cheeks.  Cover up, I don't want to see your arse FFS

This woman enough said FFS

I could go on like this all day but we've all got to know when to call it quits.  Have fun and remember 'it's illegal to kill stupid people' no matter how tempting it is.

Bah Humbug

This is just going to be a spew of random so bare with me people.

What do you get when you mix a full moon with full blown Christmas Silly Season? Fucking chaos that is what!

I know I have my ranty pants on permanently lately and those on my facebook are copping the brunt of it.  I feel sorry for them I really do. The damn things just seem to be stuck there.

I have had this stupid gastro bug for 5 days.  Yes that's right 5 days!!! I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself that it was doing wonders for my weightloss.  Yeh you're right, it didn't work.

I have an appointment with the new case manager tomorrow.  Even though she has been around for 2 months I still call her new as I have only seen her once in that time.  Let's hope that she turns up tomorrow.  If she does, I really don't know how I am going to answer her questions.  The biggest one being 'Do you feel safe?'.  I really don't know, really.

You know its a bad day when you spend most of it laying in bed listing to Matchbox Twenty's early stuff sobbing.

Oh dear lord why a knife

Today was my first session with my new case manager...it went pretty well.  She seems a bit stand offish but says that she doesn't really want to read my SIX volumes of psych history which is a relief.

One of my biggest worries with new case managers has been that they will see the 'borderline' diagnosis which I don't think that I fit anymore and automatically put me in the 'too hard, too needy' basket.  Maybe this woman will be a breath of fresh air.  Maybe I will regain some trust in the public health system.

I think that Mini Man has quite possibly taken on my distrust and dislike of the mental health system.  Today for the SECOND time he came out in my first appointment with a case manager wielding a knife.  Oh how I wish I was fucking kidding.  Luckily both of them have had kids so know how 'curious' they can be.

Mini Man loves cooking and making stuff (shout out to his future wife/husband: 'you're welcome') so anytime he gets the chance he goes right ahead.  So this afternoon he was making himself a banana smoothie and was chopping up the banana to put in the blender that he had set up (he's only 2 for goodness sake).  He has also made Major Man 'breakfast' one morning while he snoozed on the couch.  This involved chopping up some onion and putting it in a fry pan, then trying to place the fry pan on the oven.  

It's not child labour if they volunteer for it ;)

Luckily I'm grey already or this kid would send me grey!

The wait is on.....

Image from here

It turns out I am rid of the sleeping case manager...now the wait is on for the next one to come along.  All of my case managers seem to get moved along which makes me think they are just scraping the bottom of the barrel to give me one.

I had intended to notify my doctor of my case managers strange habits but he beat me to it with news that she was going to work elsewhere.  A big sigh of relief went through me.  Now she is someone else's problem.  I pity them and hope that their problems aren't in need of a case manager that is more dedicated to their job.

That appointment was 2 weeks ago and I am yet to hear a word from my 'new' case manager.  No wonder there is so much mental illness in this world, if this is the level of care that is the 'norm'.  If you can't afford private health care then you are stuck with the luck of the draw that is the public health system.  Oh and you would want to be holding a knife to your throat or someone else's if you have any hope of getting inpatient treatment in this town. 

I'm not cynical I'm just being realistic.

Smart one dumb one

Today I had an appointment with my mental health case manager.  She had a power nap half way through.  No I am not even close to shitting you.  If it hadn't been at my house I would have considered walking out.  Chances are I wouldn't.  I don't always have the fire I should in life.  Today is one of those days.

My loss of fire is one of the things that worries me most.  I wonder if I am too medicated but then I remember that maybe a little too much fire is a bad thing.  Major man has commented a couple of times that I don't seem to have the same amount of pizzazz as I used to.  This is the first time that I have consistently been on sedatives since being with him.  I used to be on seroquel but didn't take it often enough to be any use.  Or when I did take it, it would knock me out for days at a time. I once slept through his son punching holes in the wall just outside his bedroom.  

I feel 'safe' taking all of the medication I do.  I have a lot of faith in medication....until I don't.  I swing from one train of thought to the other.  I either love it or hate it.  Welcome to the world of borderline.  Although I have started to wonder if it wasn't just a label  put on me because I was self harming and wasn't fitting into any other category.  I fit some of the symptoms now but not enough for a diagnosis.  While sometimes it's nice to be known for more than just a label sometimes it is also nice to know what the fuck is going on.  Having a name to put to it, sometimes just makes that seem easier.  

The waiting game

It's 40 minutes until my mental health case manager gets here.  The house doesn't look like a complete bomb site at least.  I don't know what to say.  How do you really describe the inner turmoil and have it validated?  How do you describe it so that they understand?

I just don't know where to start.  I just let it spill out last night to Major Man.  My post yesterday wasn't completely accurate.  I don't like Mini Man to go to daycare because I don't like him, its because I don't like the person that I am becoming and the more time he can spend with happy people the better.  If that means that he has to go to daycare then so be it. If that means that at the end of the day that mummy is a happier person then screw what anyone else thinks.

If I can spill this all on here for 'everyone' then why can't I say it to the people who 'matter' you ask.  Its because I have to look at them, its because I have to see them again.  Sometimes its easier to just dump and run.  Its harder to face facts.  Its harder to admit that even though everyone thinks you are doing so great that its not the truth.  To say to someone 'hey I need help here'.  I just don't want to bother anyone.  I just don't want to be the 'broken' one anymore.  I don't want to let anyone down.