Scrambled

I have notes and notes filled with blog post ideas. Ideas that are probably pretty great. Ideas that I will write at some stage, some point in the future but not right now.  I can't grasp them, it hurts my head to try.  The words, they are elusive.  Nothing is making sense and it all feels a little surreal.

Imagine your brain as a place filled with worker ants.  At the moment my worker ants have taken speed.  I tried to find a picture to represent it but I gave up after 5 minutes.  Nothing quite felt disorganised enough. Nothing represented the chaos that is my brain at the moment.  I have so much IN my head and no way to grab it and get it out.  I feelt like a spectator to my own inner workings.

No doubt this too shall pass but at the moment it's fucking insane.  I can't concentrate, I try and it's too hard.  Everything is scrambled and filled with static.  I want to share the ideas that I have but the path between my hands and my mind is filled with obstacles. 

This is a short one, to let you know where I am at...normal viewing will resume soon.  Until then I leave you with this 

Mindless

So last week I started 'another' weight loss challenge.  The eating effort in the first week was dismal.  I ate take aways most of the time.  A week long gastro bug was my only saviour so I lost 2kg. Gastro bug has gone now, so I really have no excuse.  

It's really become apparent that there seems to be no communication between my hand and my brain.  It seems I am binging. Eating until almost bursting point.  Eating until I can feel my stomach hurt.  Then having a few more mouthfuls, just to be sure.  

I have put on 40kg in the last 12 months.  30 of them being in the last 6 months.  Nothing fits and I am getting closer to having to only shop in specialist shops.  I haven't been this heavy since I was pregnant.  

I have started a food diary to try and keep myself accountable.  I think that I need to stop buying processes stuff.  Both for Dyllan and I.  The trouble with it, is that it requires no preparation so its 'no drama' to eat an entire packet. There is no effort involved.  If I have to make all my food, then I will be less inclined to eat more than I have to.  

This has to stop. I am sick of looking in the mirror and hating what I see. I am sick of none of my clothes fitting.  I am sick of having no energy.  I need to change this.

FLYing

This week I was told about FLYlady and her shining sink philosophy.  I have to admit I was sceptical at first.  How can having a shiny sink help anything or anyone.  I have been surprised.  Pleasantly.

So what exactly is the point of this you ask? The website states

Are YOU living in CHAOS (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) like Franny in the pink sweats? Do you feel overwhelmed, overextended, and overdrawn? Hopeless and you don’t know where to start? Don’t worry friend, we’ve been there, too.

Step through the door and follow FlyLady as she weaves her way through housecleaning and organizing tips with homespun humor, daily musings about life and love, the Sidetracked Home Executives (SHE) system, and anything else that is on her mind.

I'm on Day 3 and I have to say I am feeling much more positive about the space I am in.  I am feeling motivated and am actually getting things done.  My house still looks like a bomb site mostly BUT it's getting cleaned properly bit by bit along with general upkeep.  

Another question. What exactly does having a shiny sink have to do with all of this.  It's simple.

This is your first household chore. Many of you can’t understand why I want you to empty your sink of your dirty dishes and clean and shine it when there is so much more to do. It is so simple; I want you to have a sense of accomplishment! You have struggled for years with a cluttered home and you are so beaten down. I just want to put a smile on your face. When you get up the next morning, your sink will greet you, and a smile will come across your lovely face. I can’t be there to give you a big hug, but I know how good it feels to see yourself in your kitchen sink. So each morning, this is my gift to you. Even though I can’t be there to pat you on the back, I want you to know that I am very proud of you.

Go shine your sink!

- FlyLady

(Taken from FLYlady)

Coming out the last few mornings to a beautiful clean kitchen has been great. It's put a surprising spring in my step.  

My next stop? Decluttering.

This is one of my worst 'hot spots'. It's time to change that.  Dyllan and I rarely eat dinner at the table.  Something that also needs to change.  I think that because I haven't 'needed' to keep this space clear then it's been able to build up to this level.  

I just have no idea where to put all the shit.....

Fuckitol

Today I need a big dose of this....

Everything is compounding and it feels as though nothing is going the way it is supposed to.  I sit in the house because I can't be bothered putting on a smile to face the world.  I make plans because I know that staying stuck in my house doesn't do anyone any favours but I pull out at the last minute because I work myself up about it too much.

I finally worked up the courage to ring my case manager, after talking about it extensively with one of my best friends...only to have her not call me back.  I got a phone call two days later to say that she was on holidays, had been all week and wouldn't be back until Monday... I am at a loss as to why the receptionist didn't mention this.  I hate the public health system.

Major is frustrated at me because I won't just 'perk' up.  He of all people should know that it isn't that easy.  Mixed all up with that is anger and frustration.  I want to just get off this damn roller coaster called life.  I'm done.  My case manager will ask me if I feel safe....I have no idea

Mojo....Hello....Are you there?

The last....month my mojo has really disappeared.  I'm really trying to fake it 'til I make it but that gig is getting old....fast.

A week ago I moved a mattress into my lounge room because I'm too lazy to both go to bed and get out of bed.  We've been eating so much 'crap' that mini man looks like he has a beer belly and I have one to match.  In fact it's probably why he's been a turd lately.....all that processed shit.  Mother of the year and all that.  He could spot a bottle of vodka at 20 paces but ask him to point to a body part other than his nose and he's screwed.

Some days if Mini Man wasn't in nappies I don't think I would leave the mattress.  I don't feel warm and fuzzies lately.  I just feel inconvenience.  Pretty sure that isn't what you are meant to feel towards your child.  I just don't feel that bond.  Haven't for a while.  Or ever.  I just feel like I am going through the motions...doing what I think I 'should' be doing.  I never post those 'proud parent' status' because I'm not sure if I agree with them, or feel the same way.  I can't bring myself to tell the people who matter, so I just tell the interwebs....

Untitled

This is probably going to be a post of verbal diarrhoea because my head feels all over the place at the moment and some days I am having trouble gathering everything together.

Ever felt like the world is too noisy? That every sound grates against your every fibre? That everything startles you?  This is the feeling I have been having lately.  Not even tranquilisers are dulling it.  All I can do is close my eyes and hope the world is a little less 'noisy' when I open them.  For the record it rarely works. The 'noise' still grates on me, I still feel tense. 

It sucks being the 'bad' parent but someones gotta do it right.  Someone has to be the kill joy.  I just wish it wasn't me, or at least that sometimes Major Man wasn't always the 'fun' one.  I've found myself being quiet when he is disciplining him to let him feel what its like to be constantly not listened to.  I think its more for my benefit to know that its not just me.  He doesn't listen to daddy too. 

I signed up for weight watchers a couple of weeks ago and its well, its hit a plateau.  I've really lost my weight loss mojo.  I lost 30kgs, then have now put close to 10 back on.  Yet I still eat crap.  I bought a block of chocolate today.....WHY?????? I feel bad about not losing weight but it doesn't stop the hand to mouth with the crap food. 

I've lost life mojo I think.  I'm really struggling to rein it back in.  Even Major Man has really noticed the difference. He keeps asking what's wrong, I keep smiling and saying nothing.  The truth is I have no fucking idea! Is this something that is just always going to float above me and there is nothing I can do? I'm sleeping 10+ hours a night and still feel tired all the time.  I could lay in bed all day just staring at the ceiling....instead I sit on the couch staring at the tv.