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Self Worthless

Saturday, 9 February 2013

Self Worthless

I've  been thinking a lot lately...yeh, yeh I know it's dangerous but sometimes we have to do it, you know to be a grown up and all that.  What I have been thinking about in particular is the correlation between what we think about ourselves, deep down and how we conduct ourselves.
I don't think particularly high of myself. I have gotten past the point of completely worthless but only by a couple of points.  I still don't feel the love for myself, and it was kind of like an 'aha' moment laying in bed the other night that made me realise just how much it manifests itself into my life. How it shows in the things that I do and how I treat things.
One of the 'joys' of Borderline is that I tend to put people up high, above myself. This gets me into trouble and it puts me in the position of not realising when people are just rotten.  I am so eager to please, that I fail to see the shit people do and brush it under the rug because that is what I deserve. Then I look around, realise that I am losing the people who aren't shit and it's confusing. Something that I am working on, learning to trust my judgement and not feel that I am the only one to blame when a relationship goes sour.
This feeling however doesn't just extend to interpersonal relationships and how I portray myself to others. It also has an effect on how I take care of my possessions.  It hit me the other day that I take care of things that other people have bought me better than I do the things that I have saved and bought myself.  I even have the subconscious thought that it's mine so it doesn't matter.  A thought that I have about myself often. It's only me, what does it matter. 
I write my decisions off, I don't put my thoughts forward and just kind of go with the flow.  I pretend that it doesn't matter.  I want better for myself but I'm just not sure if I deserve it.
Do you suffer from the 'not good enoughs'? What do you do to make yourself feel a bit of worth?

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