Biting the Bullet

Shit has been hitting the fan the last 6 months. I've been a ball of fury that doesn't seem to have a way to unravel.  Everyone has been copping it. Left, right and center. Mostly those close to me though.

I think it's time I bit the bullet and talking to a 'professional' about it.  Every day feels like the worst day of my life.  I spend most of the day either in tears, sleeping to escape or yelling.  This is no way for DS to live.  I don't want him remembering his childhood as having been peppered with anger.

I just need something to take the edge off. The only time I don't feel on edge is when I am drinking. We all know what that can lead to.  

My jaw is constantly clenched and I am poised in flight mode instead of fight.  Not something that is helpful for a parent.  I think constantly about running away. Never coming back.  Self harm is always at the front of my mind.  This hasn't happened in over 3 years.  I feel in a state of constant crisis.  Shit is getting real.

It's time to get real about this shit.  It's time to get the help that I need and my family deserves.