Selfishness and Parties

 A conversation on twitter yesterday got me thinking about my 21st.  In Australia the big parties seem to be the 18th, 21st and then the decades there after.  My 18th was pretty non event so I was holding out for my 21st.  The universe however had other ideas. I was 6 months pregnant with Devil Spawn for my 21st so my birthday was a no alcohol for me event.  I wanted to just go to the local pool and laze around in my giant pregnant state but apparently that was unfair to all of my other able to drink guests. Whatevs
 

Just to throw another spanner in the works Devil Papa also got shingles in the week before the party so he was too tired to stay much longer than a couple of hours.  It did make the night relatively cheaper though as two of the biggest drinkers were out of action!
 

My family traveled down for it (7 hours so was a bit of a hike for them) and we had dinner at a local pub. I had a few friends come along and it started off as a nice night.  Until one annoying friend, who is no longer my friend, started to complain.  Some part of her brain malfunctioned and she thought that the night was about her. Her brain malfunctioning is all that I can think of because surely no one is as selfish as she acted that night.
 

The party started at 630pm (I think, the memory is a bit fuzzy) and after half an hour she was complaining that she was bored and wanted to know when we planned on going clubbing.  As I already mentioned, my family had traveled 7 hours to be here, they sure as hell deserved more than 30 minutes of my time.  Also no one in their right mind goes clubbing at 7pm, there is no one out and you look like a dick.
 

My party was also a sit down dinner...no one had eaten.  If you have ever been pregnant or been around someone who is pregnant, then you know that nothing stands between a pregnant woman and her food.  Especially at the particular pub we were at. They are known for their giant meals.  Devil Papa and I go there regularly and often take left overs home as there is enough for another meal.
I tried to ignore said friend to no avail. She was adamant that we must leave as soon as possible for the clubs.  She even made a point of walking out in a huff (aka adult sized tantrum) after I had said for what felt like the 1000th time that no we were not going anywhere yet. I hadn't made plans to go clubbing at all but if the opportunity arose I'd take it. 8pm was not the opportunity that I saw.
 

The party came to a close and a few of us decided to go to a large hotel that was in the vicinity of the clubs but not completely full of douche bags.  As I mentioned, I was six months pregnant at the time and just wanted to dance without someone grinding their groin on me.  As the hotel was mainly filled with middle aged women at the time, instead of getting my arse grabbed there was lots of belly rubbing to feel like Devil Spawn kick.  He obliged by doing his usual Mexican wave across my stomach. 
 

This 'club' was obviously not to the standard of which my 'friend' was hoping for.  She once again still forgot that it was in fact my party and we were going where I damn well said we were. Yes I was an only child for 11 years...how did you guess?  She complained and huffed about how we weren't doing what she wanted to do. 

After my parents left, I told her to go do what she wanted because I was sick to death of her attitude.  I was pretty reserved and had to tell another friend who was there at the time to leave it, because I was very close to telling her to go fuck herself.
While this friend didn't ruin my night, it made the night very unpleasant.  Her selfish actions left a sour taste in my mouth and it wasn't too much longer after that, that I cut her out of my life completely.
 

Have you had a party ruined by someone else's attitude?

No offence Monday...but you suck

It's Friday again wooo! We all know what that means! It means it's time for the weekly whinge fest that is FFS Friday.  I haven't left the house for most of the week due to being sick (FFS) but somehow the world still managed to piss me off!
 

On Sunday night 60 Minutes Australia did a story on Self Harm.  The story was pretty well done.  It was surprisingly done with sensitivity and care.  As usual however the arsefaces came out of the wood works and commented on things they didn't know or want to understand. People like this are why there is still so much stigma around any kind of Mental Illness behaviour FFS
 

Devil Spawn has had a persistent sniffle for the last week or so. He passed it on to me. I felt like death warmed up Monday morning. My child free day was spent in bed not because I want to but because I had to FFS
 

Monday afternoon I went to pick Devil Spawn up from Daycare. I was walking to the bus stop and my thong broke. I went dick up and then had to hobble across the road with no shoes on FFS
 

I was running late to the bus stop and say the bus go past me. I saw a woman standing at the stop (my stuck up neighbour) I started to run and yelled stop. She ignored me and the bus drove off after picking her friend up.  The next bus was not for another 30 minutes and I felt like I was going to cough up a lung FFS
 

I finally got onto a bus, dressed like a bogan because I was shoeless. I also had to pick Devil Spawn up with no shoes on. It was Bogan-esque all round FFS
 

By this stage I was well and truly over the public transport system and I decided to give Papa Devil a call to get a lift home because where we caught the bus is across the road.  He left his phone at the other shop. He drove straight past us. I then had to deal with Devil Spawn tantrums about not getting to go with Daddy FFS
 

I had to wait another 30 minutes for a bus with Devil Spawn yelling at me the whole time FFS
 

This all happened on Monday FFS
 

The next two days were spent laying on the couch trying to nap while Devil Spawn destroyed my house.  I still don't have the energy to clean it all up. It looks like a toy tornado has gone through FFS
 

After two days of lazing around and feeling any better for it, I really didn't feel like cooking dinner so Papa Devil took us out for Maccas. It was quite possible that we received the worst customer service in the history of customer service. It really didn't make me want to leave the house again FFS
 

Thursday we finally ventured outside the house to Mums Group.  Devil Spawn acted like, well, a Devil Spawn. FFS (Lucky I have an understanding Mums Group)
 

On the way home from Mums Group the driver of the bus we caught decided he needed to flex his manhood and do a bit of road rage.  It shat all over my worst experiences of public transport. He tried to run a guy off the road. If you want to act like a dick, do it in your own car, not when you are driving a bus of people FFS
 

Did you have a FFS moment this week? Let me know in the comments so I don't feel so bad about whinging like a big skirt.
 

Well that's my FFS for this week. I'm linking up with Dear Baby G  so head on over to read some more FFS from the Blogosphere. 

Sure I'll talk, as long as it doesn't involve calling you

Image from here

The only time I have absolutely no anxiety about making a phone call is when I am making drunk calls and lets be honest its socially frowned upon to be drunk ALL the time, as tempting as it is.

The trouble with being a grown up is that, well, you have to make phone calls all of the time.  Regardless of whether you want to or not.  Me, I try all other avenues of contact before making a phone call.  Even sweeping problems under the rug and pretending they don't exist.

My problem at the moment is that I want to try and find a private psychologist.  That involves using the phone.  I have found a group who treat self harm patients. I sent them an email on Thursday and haven't heard anything since.  My first reaction is to think that 'they are all the same' and ignore it.  My second reaction is to just keep waiting it out and hoping that I get an email or phone call reply soon.  Chances are the email has been overlooked and it would be in my best interest to just call them for the information I am looking for.

Chances are I won't do it.  It took me 3 days to call the social worker to reschedule my appointment for tomorrow.  Two hang ups before the call connected.  

The trouble is that I have bitten the bullet last week and went to my GP...who has referred me to the uselessness that is the public mental health system.  Chances are I won't get a phone call from them.  Chances are if I do it will only serve to piss me off.  Anger is something I have enough of. I don't need anymore.

I need to get better. Pure and simple. Right?

Image here

 

Biting the Bullet

Shit has been hitting the fan the last 6 months. I've been a ball of fury that doesn't seem to have a way to unravel.  Everyone has been copping it. Left, right and center. Mostly those close to me though.

I think it's time I bit the bullet and talking to a 'professional' about it.  Every day feels like the worst day of my life.  I spend most of the day either in tears, sleeping to escape or yelling.  This is no way for DS to live.  I don't want him remembering his childhood as having been peppered with anger.

I just need something to take the edge off. The only time I don't feel on edge is when I am drinking. We all know what that can lead to.  

My jaw is constantly clenched and I am poised in flight mode instead of fight.  Not something that is helpful for a parent.  I think constantly about running away. Never coming back.  Self harm is always at the front of my mind.  This hasn't happened in over 3 years.  I feel in a state of constant crisis.  Shit is getting real.

It's time to get real about this shit.  It's time to get the help that I need and my family deserves.

FFS Friday: I really could go on forever

On Friday I decided that DS needed new clothes for Daycare.  DS decided it was time to really extend his horns even further.  He screamed on and off for two hours. Head butting me a couple of times. I could feel the judgement searing my skin.  How about a little compassion FFS
 

On the way home I decided a carton of UDL was needed.  I turfed DS out of the trolley so that ther was room for the carton.  He repaid me by crawling along the ground and barking like a dog. So here I was pushing my trolley of grog while being followed by a barking toddler FFS
 

I got down to the taxi rank and thought I had hit the jackpot because there was already a taxi waiting and no one in sight who wanted it.  Turned out he was an arsehole with no common courtesy.  I get that he doesn't owe me, but after I just spent $10 for him to drive me across the road, the least he could do is give me a hand. No instead he sat on his arse tapping the steering wheel while I struggled out with my 5 shopping bags, oversized bottomless pit (aka handbag), carton and a still tantruming toddler.  I would have gotten out quicker if you helped arsehole. FFS
 

DP and his son went fishing.  DP got home at 530am.  He stripped off and threw his pants on the floor.  His smelly fish covered pants.  That wasn't the end of it though. The next night we went out for dinner. He riffled through the clean clothes to find something to wear.  The clothes fell on the floor.  Fast forward two days and I am folding up the washing.  What do I find? DP fucking smelly fish covered pants in amongst the clean washing.  I had to rewash the clothes.  My washing maching is tempremental and only likes to wash at half a load.  It's only 5kg to start with.  It took me all fucking day to wash clothes I had already washed on Saturday.  FFS
 

DP had the genius idea that it was my washing mashine being not level that was causing all of the issues.  I made it level and it didn't make a difference so I changed it back.  DP knew this.  He decided to ignore it and adjust the feet on the washing machine.  Feet that need a shifter to readjust. A shifter that I don't have.  I did a load of washing tonight.  I had to go in every 5 minutes during the spin cycles as the washing machine is so out of balance, the clothes kept gathering on one side and stopping the cycle.  Why don't men listen FFS
 

What are some things that have pissed you off this week? Check out Dear Baby G to see more FFS stories

Mental Health: Pissing you off even after you've been discharged.

Long time no write...blah blah.

I got discharged from Outpatient services in June.  Wasn't really a big deal.  As I had told myself and many others, I've been doing this shit on my own for the last three years anyway.

It all went along smoothly and it felt good.  GP was happy to take over medication care.  I was happy that she was competent enough to do it.  MH were happy that she was happy.

Cue last Thursday.  I got a phone call from my GP office that she wanted to see me ASAP.  The earliest I could get in was Monday.  I was apprehensive as I had no idea why she would need to see me after receiving a discharge summary.

Cue hissy fit.  As usual MH had fucked up majorly.  They had said that I was discharged from inpatient services.  They also said that I had self harmed extensively, leaving out the crucial word HISTORY.

I haven't self harmed since September 2008, something that is quite an achievement.  To have these incompetent arseholes place this in jeopardy really pissed me off.  The ramifications really could have been worse than me just being pissed off.  What if my GP had decided that she would give children's services a call? What would they have done? 

I'm glad to be done with them.  My blood pressure can't handle too much more of it.

Fuckitol

Today I need a big dose of this....

Everything is compounding and it feels as though nothing is going the way it is supposed to.  I sit in the house because I can't be bothered putting on a smile to face the world.  I make plans because I know that staying stuck in my house doesn't do anyone any favours but I pull out at the last minute because I work myself up about it too much.

I finally worked up the courage to ring my case manager, after talking about it extensively with one of my best friends...only to have her not call me back.  I got a phone call two days later to say that she was on holidays, had been all week and wouldn't be back until Monday... I am at a loss as to why the receptionist didn't mention this.  I hate the public health system.

Major is frustrated at me because I won't just 'perk' up.  He of all people should know that it isn't that easy.  Mixed all up with that is anger and frustration.  I want to just get off this damn roller coaster called life.  I'm done.  My case manager will ask me if I feel safe....I have no idea

Whatever Trevor

Tonight I had planned to write a wildly sarcastic post about housework and the lengths I go to, to avoid it but alas I'm not really feeling it.

This last week has seen tensions start to build...and erupt.  The eruption however did nothing to dissipate the growing tension.  Everything is making me angry...out of proportion angry.

I feel horrible...I spend most of the day sleeping on the couch.  I'm barely looking after myself, using what little energy I have to look after Mini Man.  I still haven't heard from the moronic case manager and I don't know what I would say anyway.  What are they going to do? Tell me its probably just a 'phase' that it will pass and just hang in there.  If it's just a phase why does it keep coming back?

I'm at a loss as to what to do.  How do I fix this? Do I just ride out the wave and hope that it goes away soon?

I'm not sure exactly why I am starting this or how long I will keep it up....if past performance is anything to go by about a week.

I'm a mum but I don't think I should be.  I've never said that out loud before.  I've never admitted that I really really don't know if I can do this.  That I am so glad when I drop him off at daycare because I almost feel like I can breathe again.  I'll never admit that...what kind of person would that make me out to be.

Some days are better than others....some days are much much worse than others.  Some days I just want to shut my door and pretend no one else exists.  He deserves better than this, he deserves a mum that isn't angry ALL. OF. THE. TIME.  I want to fix it, I want to be that mum he deserves, he needs.  I just don't know where to begin.  How do you fix something that has been broken for so long...