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Death by sleep deprivation

Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Death by sleep deprivation

DS has been sleeping like an absolute shit head for the last seems like forever few months.  Most nights I wonder if he is trying to kill me by sleep deprivation.

Some places have been known to use sleep deprivation as a method of torture.  Mothers everywhere endure it all the time. We're told to take a cup of cement and suck it up.  We have to go about our day pretending that we are functioning human beings.  

Before DS I couldn't sleep for 5 days.  5 days of utter hell. 5 days of sandpaper eyes.  5 days of snapping psyche. 5 days of writing.  The only relief was a dr who finally believed me when I said I wasn't a drug chaser, I was just tired and couldn't sleep.  It had taken me 3 nights of sitting at ED, only to be told you are a drug addict, go away, to get to that point. I was delirious and probably looked like I was high as a kite.  

I can sometimes find myself returning to that state when we are surviving on 6 hours of broken sleep.  My psyche seems so much more fragile now.  The smallest thing makes me snap.  I can feel myself spiralling. I can feel myself wanting to run away.

DP told me on the weekend that I just need to calm the fuck down.  He doesn't have a clue what the shit I put up with on a regular basis is. He sees a snap shot.  His idea of 'helping' is playing with Dyllan while I do every-fucking-thing else.  I can't even have a shower on my own, ever.  DP complains that I don't let him go to the toilet by himself while we are at his place.  After I death stare him into the ground I utter 4 simple words. Welcome. To. My. World.

We are seeing a child health nurse who I am hoping will help us with the sleep dodging.  I'm willing to try anything at this stage.  Absolutely anything.


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At 5 September 2012 at 07:39 , Blogger ann said...

hang in there. my baby nurse was a bitch when it came to sleep i just ended up bashing my head against a wall as my biggest did not conform to all their ideas!!


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