Scrambled

I have notes and notes filled with blog post ideas. Ideas that are probably pretty great. Ideas that I will write at some stage, some point in the future but not right now.  I can't grasp them, it hurts my head to try.  The words, they are elusive.  Nothing is making sense and it all feels a little surreal.

Imagine your brain as a place filled with worker ants.  At the moment my worker ants have taken speed.  I tried to find a picture to represent it but I gave up after 5 minutes.  Nothing quite felt disorganised enough. Nothing represented the chaos that is my brain at the moment.  I have so much IN my head and no way to grab it and get it out.  I feelt like a spectator to my own inner workings.

No doubt this too shall pass but at the moment it's fucking insane.  I can't concentrate, I try and it's too hard.  Everything is scrambled and filled with static.  I want to share the ideas that I have but the path between my hands and my mind is filled with obstacles. 

This is a short one, to let you know where I am at...normal viewing will resume soon.  Until then I leave you with this 

Smart one dumb one

Today I had an appointment with my mental health case manager.  She had a power nap half way through.  No I am not even close to shitting you.  If it hadn't been at my house I would have considered walking out.  Chances are I wouldn't.  I don't always have the fire I should in life.  Today is one of those days.

My loss of fire is one of the things that worries me most.  I wonder if I am too medicated but then I remember that maybe a little too much fire is a bad thing.  Major man has commented a couple of times that I don't seem to have the same amount of pizzazz as I used to.  This is the first time that I have consistently been on sedatives since being with him.  I used to be on seroquel but didn't take it often enough to be any use.  Or when I did take it, it would knock me out for days at a time. I once slept through his son punching holes in the wall just outside his bedroom.  

I feel 'safe' taking all of the medication I do.  I have a lot of faith in medication....until I don't.  I swing from one train of thought to the other.  I either love it or hate it.  Welcome to the world of borderline.  Although I have started to wonder if it wasn't just a label  put on me because I was self harming and wasn't fitting into any other category.  I fit some of the symptoms now but not enough for a diagnosis.  While sometimes it's nice to be known for more than just a label sometimes it is also nice to know what the fuck is going on.  Having a name to put to it, sometimes just makes that seem easier.