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Smart one dumb one

Wednesday, 3 August 2011

Smart one dumb one

Today I had an appointment with my mental health case manager.  She had a power nap half way through.  No I am not even close to shitting you.  If it hadn't been at my house I would have considered walking out.  Chances are I wouldn't.  I don't always have the fire I should in life.  Today is one of those days.

My loss of fire is one of the things that worries me most.  I wonder if I am too medicated but then I remember that maybe a little too much fire is a bad thing.  Major man has commented a couple of times that I don't seem to have the same amount of pizzazz as I used to.  This is the first time that I have consistently been on sedatives since being with him.  I used to be on seroquel but didn't take it often enough to be any use.  Or when I did take it, it would knock me out for days at a time. I once slept through his son punching holes in the wall just outside his bedroom.  

I feel 'safe' taking all of the medication I do.  I have a lot of faith in medication....until I don't.  I swing from one train of thought to the other.  I either love it or hate it.  Welcome to the world of borderline.  Although I have started to wonder if it wasn't just a label  put on me because I was self harming and wasn't fitting into any other category.  I fit some of the symptoms now but not enough for a diagnosis.  While sometimes it's nice to be known for more than just a label sometimes it is also nice to know what the fuck is going on.  Having a name to put to it, sometimes just makes that seem easier.  

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