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Musings of the Misguided

Friday, 29 July 2011

All of the cool people have guest posters

Today is a guest post from one of my bestest friends.  She also has a mental illness....but don't let that make you think she's her first :D.  I hope you love her as much as I done :)
The Random Ramblings of an Insane-o

Stigma – Shame, Disgrace, Dishonour
The shame or disgrace attached to something regarded as socially unacceptable.

I thought I would start this post with a dictionary meaning of stigma.  As I am creating this post in Microsoft Word, I thought I would just use the in-built dictionary.  Being familiar with Microsoft Word, I thought I would use the shortcut keys CTRL + F7 to bring up the meaning for me, instead of using the Google search page to find out the associated meaning.  For those of you who are familiar with Word, you would know that CTRL + F7 brings up the thesaurus first.  I was shocked to see three words come up recommended as a substitute for stigma. Shame, disgrace, dishonour.  These three words are much harsher than the more commonly used word, stigma, to describe the negative view that tends to follow around the many, many people in today’s world affected by a mental illness.

I guess this just angered me even more.  Statistics have proven that in your lifetime, if you are not affected by a mental illness personally, you will at least have someone in your life, be it a relative or friend, who sadly is.  Yet mental illness is looked upon as shameful, disgraceful, dishonourable and socially unacceptable.  I think the biggest thing is that so many people are afraid of what they do not understand and when you get enough people who do not understand, such a stigma is created.

It is slowly being proven that with education, the stigma can be lifted from mental illness.  Look at depression, for example.  Although it is still not fully understood, although some people still think back in the dark ages with the belief that people should just “snap out of it”, there are now more people seeking help for depression than ever before.  And personally, I see this as quite an achievement from 20 years ago.  Even if this is just the beginning and there is so much more work that needs to be done, even if there are still people with narrow-minded views, even if some people still cling onto the belief that mental illness is for “crazy” people, even then, it is good to see some progress, and I hold onto the hope that one day the stigma will no longer exist.

Because depression is so widely spread, and most of us know someone with depression, I believe that it will probably be the easiest mental illness to lift stigma from.   However, even this is proving to be a mammoth task, with so many people being afraid of what they don’t understand.  Which, then leaves me feeling even more concerned for the stigma ever lifting off other mental illnesses.  Serious mood disorders such as bipolar, personality disorders such as borderline personality disorder, and of course the very stigmatised disorders such as schizophrenia.

One day at work I was reminded of people’s narrow-minded views, when a colleague commented that schizophrenic patients should be put to sleep with a lead injection.  This made me so angry.  Why are mentally ill patients looked upon this way?  How would you feel if your son or daughter had schizophrenia and these narrow-minded people were in control of the world’s decisions and had the right to punish your son or daughter to death for being sick?  Yes, SICK, ILL, UNWELL. The fact of the matter is mental illness is exactly that, an ILLNESS.  What makes me the most angry is that people with cancer are given empathy and kind thoughts, people with heart conditions, people with normal streamline illnesses are treated with upmost respect and empathy, and yet once you add mentally ill to your patient cv, it seems you are not worthy of medical treatment, you are not worthy of kindness and empathy.  If you are depressed you simply need to “suck it up”, if you are schizophrenic you should be “put to your death” before you harm others.  It angers me that people have these views.  It angers me that I am made to feel pathetic and like I am using valuable health resources from people who “deserve it more than I do”.

Educate people, allow them to see what really happens.  Why hide the facts of mental illness?  Why only let them see the negative?  Every time a court case happens and a mentally ill person is “found not guilty by reason of mental defect” the media swarms all over it and alas, more negative publicity is shared with the ever impressionable public.  Yet, one would wonder, if mental illness was more socially accepted, if there was no shame, if there was no “stigma” attached to mental health would the mentally ill offender have sought help for their illness? Would their family have been more understanding and realised that something was wrong and that it was okay to seek help for their ILLNESS?  Could the crime that had been committed by the ILL patient been avoided had they received proper treatment BEFORE the crime was committed?

It is 2011.  We are no longer in the 1940’s.  As the world keeps turning there are more and more studies into mental illnesses.  So many new discoveries, so many new treatments, so many new warning signs revealed, and yet the media is yet to publish these.  The only media attention mental illness gets is the “NEGATIVE PUBLICITY” when a mentally ill patient is found not guilty of a crime, when they were not of sane mind when it was committed.  I really do not see the harm in educating the world about mental illness.  I do not see the harm in making it socially acceptable to be “SICK”.  I can not think of one reason why mentally ill patients should be treated any different to any other patient.  Before you hate on people for being “INSANE” enough to commit a crime, maybe you should work towards making it socially acceptable for them to get help, therefore, avoiding the crime altogether.

I guess as I have been coping with mental illness for as long as I can remember, I have grown up around people, who like me, are suffering.  And I am proof, that with proper help, mental illness can be managed.  And I often sit and wonder, in my random thoughts, about how different the world would be if everyone had the opportunity to get the help I have had.  I often wonder how if there was no stigma, how many people would reach out for help.  I often wonder how many suicides, how many horrible things might have been avoided if only getting help for the mentally ill was socially accepted and encouraged.  I know I am but one person, but if all of us “one person’s” formed an alliance, if everyone cared enough to open their hearts and realise that mental illness is an ILLNESS, maybe then, the world would be a better place.  Maybe then people won’t lose their brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts to suicide.  Maybe then people who need help for their ILLNESS would get the help that they need and finally, the narrow-mindedness of people in relation to mental illness would cease to exist, and the fool at work who suggested a lead injection for those with schizophrenia would be but one voice, drowned out by so many others, who truly do understand.


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Wednesday, 27 July 2011

Mad World

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How do you tell a 'professional' that you aren't really sure if you like your child.  

That you aren't sure if what you feel for him is real or just an act.  

How do you say that you regularly tell him to go away and leave you the fuck alone.  

That you just want to lock yourself in your bedroom every single day and pretend that everything outside your room doesn't exist.  

That you are feeling a real resentment towards him but you have no fucking idea why.

Part of me really wants to say all this out loud but I really don't think that I can.  As much as these feelings bubble up to the surface, I can't lose him.

Maybe I just can't do this any more.  Maybe I'm at the end of my tether.  Maybe I'm just fucked.

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Tuesday, 26 July 2011

The Bullet Has Been Bitten

Yesterday I took the Mini Man to the Child Health Nurse for his 2 year old check up.  It was all about me and my inability to cope with the everyday of having a toddler.  Of having the Mini Man.  I was so worried about how I was going to say it, how I was going to word it and have it come out how I wanted it to.  All I did was blurt out 'I can't do this anymore'.  

It's good when you have a health worker who has kids and understand that sometimes it's fucking hard y'all and it's not always rainbows and fucking butterflies.

I got a referral to a social worker, who I need to be equally honest with.  I need to tell them about my disconnection with Dyllan.  Is it permanent, just a part of my mental illness or something else entirely?  I just feel that most of my actions towards Dyllan are an act.  That I'm doing what I feel that I 'should' do rather than actually feeling anything.  Surely this isn't normal.  He's a good kid. I don't want him growing up and hating me (well more than the average teenager hates their parent anyway).

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Saturday, 23 July 2011

Looking back....

Lately I have been thinking about how far I have come and all that other crapola, thinking about what used to be.  Of what would have been.

Would things have changed on their own if I hadn't been forced to suck it up?  Or would I still be floundering in nothingness, spending my money on booze and not much else?  Today I wouldn't care.  The half bottle of vodka sitting on my bench is looking mighty fine to me right now.  The thing stopping me is that I'd probably fall asleep on the couch after one drink.  Oh yeh I'm a party animal today.

In my thinking about the past I decided to peruse my old livejournal (all the cool kids had one back when I was a teenager oh yeh) and see what was going on over there.  Phew what a crazy fest that was. It was full of the normal teenage angsty stuff and some surprisingly deep stuff too.    

Well after having my 50th car thrown at me as well as a bowl of chips looks like that vodka is gonna win today after all.

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Thursday, 21 July 2011

Give some love y'all

Image from here
Next month is Jeans for Genes day.  August 5th if you want to be all exact about it. Jeans for Genes Day means that you get to wear your jeans and feel good about it! Who doesn't anyway unless you are wearing those hip hugging, but crack showing ones and then it's just all down hill from there.  

Anyway the whole point of this post was to let you know that the gorgeous Lori from Random Ramblings of a Stay at Home Mum is hosting a giveaway that is full of awesomeness and you should totally enter it...or not because that would mean less chance of me winning.  Whatever.  

p.s How freaking cute is that baby!

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Are you on crack?

video from here

Have you watched children's television lately?  I'm pretty sure all of the creators are on crack....lots and lots of it.

Mini Man is in love with In The Night Garden, which is by far the craziest of crazy shows.  It has 5 main characters who all have their own 'quirks'.  There is the 'pothead' aka Iggle Piggle who falls over all the time and has to take his blanky with him everywhere.  The 'slut' aka Upsy Daisy is next, she has to take her bed wherever she goes and often performs 'special dances' for the other characters. I don't have a witty name for the 3 brothers aka The tombliboos who live together and are often losing their pants.  Lastly is the 'OCD sufferer' aka Makka Pakka who must wash everyone before talking to them.  Like I said strange.
Image fromhere

What happened to the 'good' shows like when I was growing up? Oh yes I went there, I did the well when I was young comment.  Seriously.  Political correctness has gotten in the way of good old fashioned entertainment.  Cookie monster has to eat vegetables because his binge eating of cookies was apparently promoting childhood obesity.  The teletubbies were cancelled because the purple one has the gay symbol on it's head.  Like I'm sure that every kid knows that one.  Oscar the grouch was nearly wiped because he promoted living like a vagrant.  Yeh it's gotten that stupid.

So are the new producers really on crack or has political correctness just gotten in the way of good entertainment.

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Tuesday, 19 July 2011

This is fucking hard yo

I don't even fucking like wine and yes I am still in my pjs!

Today the Mini Man turned 2...hello onslaught of comments to the tune of 'here start the terrible twos'. Now I think I speak for almost every parent of a toddler when saying 'it fucking began months ago morons'.

One of the things that no one prepares you for in parenthood is the sheer amount of strangers with 'sage' advice.  Much of it is outdated and you really have to restrain yourself from punching them in the head.  Sometimes I am sure that these people really have forgotten what it is like to have a toddler.  Don't get me wrong some of the advice they have is the old lady who told me to put a couple of drops of water in the children's panadol to thin it out and make it easier to swallow.  Now that was a pearl of more choking on the panadol for Mini Man.

There is no switch that suddenly turns your baby into a terror at midnight on the day they turn 2.  No its a gradual, grinding you down until there is nothing left process.  By the time you actually get to the age of 2, its become a way of life and you can't remember life being any other way.  Oh yes it's that bad here.  I yelled at Mini Man on his birthday....yes it's that bad.

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Monday, 18 July 2011


Does having a mental illness cloud your judgement forever? Or does it just cloud people's judgement of you forever? Does it effect the way that they see your decision making skills? Is every decision you make tainted?

'Everyone' (whoever that is) says that 'aren't your mental illness', 'it doesn't define who you are' but it's hard when every decision you make they wonder if its the 'illness' thinking or if it's you.  Nothing you ever do will be free from that thought.  So while you spend years in therapy learning to distinguish the difference between you and your diagnosis, 'everyone' else still can't see the difference.

Some days I ask what the point in all that work is, if it's not going to change anything? If every time you feel sad, angry, hurt then it must be the 'illness' talking.  Everything is blown out of proportion or lack of.  Your reactions aren't simple reactions, they must be the 'illness' talking.  Your every reaction is a overreaction. You're just being 'crazy'

My thoughts have always been like just took physical actions to bring them to the fore front.  Now everyone is always on the lookout for 'signs' that aren't there.

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Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Food for Thought

Food and I have always had a very much love/hate relationship.  It's not easy to say which aspect of the love/hate is more frequented.

My high school days were spent either eating too much or not nearly enough.  From the age of 14 I refused to eat at school.  I didn't eat breakfast either so was usually ravenous by the time I got home from school.  I had an 'agreement' with my doctor that I would eat one meal a day...this one meal was dinner.  This one meal caused a lot of friction.

Grade 12 I dropped 20 kilos in 2.5 months by exercising for hours at a time and barely eating.  My one meal of choice, that I would eat at 430 every day was ham and cheese toasted sandwiches.  Eaten before exercising of course.  Most of my exercise was done in the privacy of my bedroom.  I would jog on the spot for up to 2 hours every night.

A lot of these behaviours still penetrate my everyday life now.  I still have disordered eating.  I go from eating barely anything to eating a 20 pack of freddos in one sitting.  When things get stressful I regress back to old habits.  Food and I very much still have a love/hate relationship.  I hate it and it seems to love me so much that it sticks to me like glue.

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Monday, 11 July 2011


Every parent or any person who deals with children on a regular basis will exclaim at least once 'I swear their ears are painted on'.  I have a long way to go until I can kick his arse out on the street  lovingly let him live independently and I'm already getting sick of saying it. 

Today was one of those days when it probably would have had the same effect to just play a recording of myself saying "get out of the fridge", "don't touch that", "get down from there", "put down the bottle of vodka".  Wait I think that is the voice in  my head saying that one.  

My 'favourite' antic of the day was mini man placing one of his plastic chairs on the couch and attempting to sit on it.....I seriously don't know how this kid hasn't broken a bone yet!  My next awesome part of the day was my decision to get one of his birthday presents out early....hello peace and quiet.  I got him a rug with roads and railway tracks on it.  The only way I could get him to come and have dinner was to wave the plate under his nose.  Now this kid is a walking garbage disposal most of the time so that is really saying something.  Something good in case you didn't guess.

Tomorrow will be a better day.  Hallelujah for daycare and the gym!

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Thursday, 7 July 2011

Mojo....Hello....Are you there?

The last....month my mojo has really disappeared.  I'm really trying to fake it 'til I make it but that gig is getting

A week ago I moved a mattress into my lounge room because I'm too lazy to both go to bed and get out of bed.  We've been eating so much 'crap' that mini man looks like he has a beer belly and I have one to match.  In fact it's probably why he's been a turd lately.....all that processed shit.  Mother of the year and all that.  He could spot a bottle of vodka at 20 paces but ask him to point to a body part other than his nose and he's screwed.

Some days if Mini Man wasn't in nappies I don't think I would leave the mattress.  I don't feel warm and fuzzies lately.  I just feel inconvenience.  Pretty sure that isn't what you are meant to feel towards your child.  I just don't feel that bond.  Haven't for a while.  Or ever.  I just feel like I am going through the motions...doing what I think I 'should' be doing.  I never post those 'proud parent' status' because I'm not sure if I agree with them, or feel the same way.  I can't bring myself to tell the people who matter, so I just tell the interwebs....

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Sometimes it feels just like highschool.....

Facebook baby....sometimes it's great and other times it fucking sucks balls.

This week it's sucked balls....big fat hairy balls.  Shit hit the fan and it felt just like high school and not in a good way.  True colours were shown.

Keyboard warriors are a big problem in social media.  Everyone is tough when they are sitting behind a computer.... 
This is probably why cyber bullying is on the rise, it's so 'easy' to do. All you have to own is a computer and nasty wit.  I'm 'friends' with a few teenagers on facebook and if I had a dollar for every time there was an arse chewing on someone's status I'd be a fricking lady of leisure.  It's disgusting.  I'm so glad that there was no facebook when I was in school.  It was hard enough without having to deal with social media on top of it.

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