Crisis Numbers

Seeing as how I want to provide this blog as an informational place so I've decided to do a post about crisis numbers and my experience with them.

My experience with my local after hours team is that they are mostly a bunch of useless twats.  Although there is a good proportion of the inpatient unit who are also a bunch of useless twats so maybe my local service is just useless.  Everytime I would call them I would hold a little bit of hope that this time it would be different and 9 out of 10 times they lived up to their useless twat status.  My most memorable help (I use that term loosely) from them was when calling because I had self harm thoughts and they told me to just go ahead and do it.  Yeh like I said helpful.

The last time I called however was actually helpful(no I am not being sarcastic) and I was blown away.  It was only a few weeks ago and I had told my doctor multiple times that I would not call them if they were the last people on earth.  Everything was just getting a little too much.  When I say everything I mean nothing in particular and everything in general.  I was so unbelievable angry that my vision was blurred.  Everything pissed me off. I had reached the end of my tether and decided to call ACT(acute care team).  He was surprisingly helpful and was a calm voice in the storm of my head.  He promised to call back after I had tried to call Major Man and actually did.  However a mix up(aka they didn't change my details) with my phone numbers meant that the cops were nearly called to break down my door.  I had gone to Major mans house and when they couldn't get me on the phone(the number should have been changed months but wasn't) and I wasn't answering the door as I wasn't home he was on the verge of calling the police because he was in fear of my safety.  They did follow ups, and I got my medication changed. 

So I guess the gist of this post is that you always need to hope that when you reach out your hand that there will be someone there to take it.  Even if it is a stranger.  I don't know about anyone else but sometimes its easier to dump on someone you are never going to see or talk to again.  You don't have to worry about the implications.

If you or someone you know needs help then check out beyond blue's website.  They have a great range of resources as well as help lines to call

http://beyondblue.org/

SCREAMING

You know that maybe you screamed a little too loudly when it echos through your house.  I'd hate to live next to me....no wonder the neighbours don't say hello any more.  They probably think they are living next to a psycho maniac. 

Of course he was a sleeping angel the whole weekend.  Which of course got the inevitable "I don't know what you've been complaining about" from my mother.  If only she realised how much she fucking sounded like her mother when she said shit like that.  If only she realised how much the shit she says hurts. 

We've been down that road....I don't bother telling her that the shit she says hurts because she thinks thats stupid.  I can hear her mother there.  We did 'family therapy' when I was a teenager....now that was a big arse waste of time.  The session consisted of me curled in a ball, my father staring at the wall and my mother talking about how I was ruining their life.  Oh joy so you can guess how beneficial that was.  My childhood psychologist was a dick....but I thought the sun shined outta her arse.  Gotta love Borderline for that. 

I intended to write an entry about crisis numbers tonight but this just pushed its way to the front.  Hopefully I will get around to the other post soon.

Moving In

Major Man and I have had many discussions - many while drunk about the prospect of moving in together.  I know shock horror we have a child and don't live together.....oh wait we live in the 21st century.

There have been lots of things to consider and we really haven't gotten any closer to a decision.  It's hard and I really don't want to fuck things up.  We have it pretty good and I don't want it to go to shit.

There are days when I would love for him to come home to us, especially when Mini Man has been a little terror and I want to just lock myself in my room.  Then there are days when I am glad that the only person I have to answer to are a 21 month old.  I don't have to answer the 'You bought how many pairs of shoes" question.  I'm also not the best 'house wife' and thats not going to change anytime soon and don't want to feel pressured to conform (hello former rebel).

We've weighed up the financial side and we just don't know if we would be able to afford living together.  Its disgusting really.  If I went to work and put Dyllan in daycare more often which Major Man doesn't want then we would get less money again. 

We are also divided on where to move to.  Major Man wants to live in the bush but I would go insane(er) if I lived in the middle of nowhere.  Hello childhood memories....gag.  I want to live in town but would be willing to compromise for a little out of town...as long as it was walking distance to stuff. 

So the long and short of it is that we are no closer to living together anytime soon and we are both shit scared of making that first leap step

Before the Baby

I've been thinking about this a lot lately so I decided to post a little list in hopes of giving old and young mums a bit of a giggle.

Before the baby the thought of peeing in front of someone was enough to make you get stage fright.

After the baby you can pee with your whole family in the toilet with you discussing their day.

Before the baby you would blush a little if your partner caught you naked.

After the baby you prance around the house in your birthday suit even if the front door is open.

Before the baby you thought you were awesome if you could sleep in after midday.

After the baby you jump for joy if you get to sleep past 8am.

Before the baby you'd wallow in self pity at the sight of sniffly nose.

After the baby not only do you get out of bed when you have full blown flu but you clean the house, do 3 loads of washing and cook dinner for everyone.

Before the baby the thought of watching playschool or anything other kind of preschool show was enough to make you cringe.

After the baby you not only have the tv on the cartoon channel all day but instead of having a top 40 song stuck in your head you have a wiggles song.

Before the baby the thought of touching any kind of bodily fluids was enough to make you gag.

After the baby you go to the shops with a shirt that has puke down the front and you don't care.

Before the baby your morning routine would involve at least 3 steps.

After the baby your morning routine still consists of 3 steps but now these are 1. Checking to make sure all of your hair is brushed in the same direction. 2. Gargling some toothpaste on your way out the door. 3. Fishing out the outfit that smells the best out of the clothes on your bedroom floor.

Hope everyone enjoyed and had a bit of giggle and a 'ah yes' with this before and afters :)

eeeeee

So this is a bit of a wooo look at me, look what I can do post.

I bought a dress about a month ago in preparation for a girls night out.  One of my friends convinced me to get it in the size smaller as they didn't have my size.  It was also a bargain haha. 

Sooooo I tried it on tonight after unsuccessfully trying to zip it up for the last month I did it!  There is still the muffin top spillage over the top but other than that it looks good.  I also still have another month to fit into it before its 'debut'.

I also managed to take a really awesome head shot of myself.  I know I'm a freak of nature :O

Fashion

What the fuck is wrong with fashion these days (oh god doesn't that make me sound old)???

I look through the shops and it seems that 'dressing like a homeless person' is the new fashion.  Does that now mean I can wear my pjs out and pretend they are 'fashion'?  Probably not.  I saw a shawl aka throw rug complete with tassles in valley girl last week that was a baby shit green colour.  I've spent the last almost two years trying to avoid getting baby shit on my shirt I'm not going to buy a throw rug complete with tassles shawl in the same colour.

My other gripe about 'fashion' at the moment is zippers.  I saw the prettiest dress, pulled it out of the rack and it had a great dirty zipper down the front.  I'm not talking a cutesy decorative zipper I'm talking a big black zipper that goes half way down the whole dress.  So you have a beautiful flowy dress usually in a pastel colour and it has a big black zipper down the front and this is called 'fashion'

Hard Work

Whoever said hard work never hurt anyone obviously hasn't seen my hand :s  It's my mouse clicking finger too so it's really hurting like a bitch.

To try and 'pass the time' I've started weeding.  Yes she who detests the outdoors is weeding her backyard.  Don't worry this is most likely only a short lived endevour and my yard will go back to the jungle it once was again.

We're getting it ready for the arrival of the parental unit next week for the easter break.  Must make sure to put the chairs back in their covers.  That is the only thing that is 'important' before they arrive.  Everytime they come to say mum ribs me about leaving the chairs out and how I am wrecking them, so this time I will head her off and put them in the cover before they get here.  Even if it is the day before they arrive(ok maybe two because they change their minds about arrival more often than Brittany Spears flashed her v-jay jay).

Well I think that will have to be all for today because my finger is on FIRE(again who said a bit of hard work won't hurt you???).

The waiting game

It's 40 minutes until my mental health case manager gets here.  The house doesn't look like a complete bomb site at least.  I don't know what to say.  How do you really describe the inner turmoil and have it validated?  How do you describe it so that they understand?

I just don't know where to start.  I just let it spill out last night to Major Man.  My post yesterday wasn't completely accurate.  I don't like Mini Man to go to daycare because I don't like him, its because I don't like the person that I am becoming and the more time he can spend with happy people the better.  If that means that he has to go to daycare then so be it. If that means that at the end of the day that mummy is a happier person then screw what anyone else thinks.

If I can spill this all on here for 'everyone' then why can't I say it to the people who 'matter' you ask.  Its because I have to look at them, its because I have to see them again.  Sometimes its easier to just dump and run.  Its harder to face facts.  Its harder to admit that even though everyone thinks you are doing so great that its not the truth.  To say to someone 'hey I need help here'.  I just don't want to bother anyone.  I just don't want to be the 'broken' one anymore.  I don't want to let anyone down.

I'm not sure exactly why I am starting this or how long I will keep it up....if past performance is anything to go by about a week.

I'm a mum but I don't think I should be.  I've never said that out loud before.  I've never admitted that I really really don't know if I can do this.  That I am so glad when I drop him off at daycare because I almost feel like I can breathe again.  I'll never admit that...what kind of person would that make me out to be.

Some days are better than others....some days are much much worse than others.  Some days I just want to shut my door and pretend no one else exists.  He deserves better than this, he deserves a mum that isn't angry ALL. OF. THE. TIME.  I want to fix it, I want to be that mum he deserves, he needs.  I just don't know where to begin.  How do you fix something that has been broken for so long...