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Musings of the Misguided

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Mum's Group

I don't care what anyone tries to say.....I effing love my mums group!  They are seriously my lifeline.  My sanity saver. Mini Man gets to run around like the crazy energetic kid that he is, and I get some normal, adult conversation.  It's a win - win situation.  There are weeks when I want to hide in the house and force myself to go out and I am always glad that I go to mums group.  It's always refreshing to know that you aren't the only one who has terror darling child.

Major Man had a funny analogy of mum's of those 'it's funny because it's true' analogies.  It's called 'mum's group, it's for mum's, if it was for the kids it would be called kid's group'.  None of us actually go to mum's group because of the kids.....we go because we are mum's and need/crave adult conversation.

You know the best thing about mum's group? We met on facebook! Who has the 'guts' to walk up to someone and say hey, wanna hang out.  At least once you are past the age of 10 anyway.  We've been meeting up since October 2009.

The moral of the story? Get out there! Join a mum's group.  It's great for your mental health and hey your kid might actually enjoy themselves.

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Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Excuse the strangely wrinkly hands (I'm 23 dammit I have grey hair and wrinkles!).

This is the concoction of 'drugs' that I take every day to make me 'stable'.  These drugs help keep me from the edge and thinking it's not that far to the bottom.  They help me sleep instead of laying in bed at night and staring at the ceiling willing sleep to come.  The new ones are supposed to help with the mood swings that go all over the place.  They are the last port before lithium apparently.  I started them on the weekend and so far I haven't noticed and bad side effects so that has to be a good thing right.  I'm working hard to keep the weight off and I guess my lack of appetite has worked in my favour so far.  Although not so much when I had to have a blood test this morning.  

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Monday, 20 June 2011

I don't want to talk about it

I probably 'should' write a post about what happened on the weekend but I don't want to.  I'm sick of running over it in my head.  I'm sick of thinking about the 'what ifs' and the 'could haves'.  Honestly I just want to forget it all happened.

I've been in a daze, zombie like state since.  I just can't seem to turn my frown upside down. I 'death stare' people just to get them to stop looking at me because I feel like everyone is looking at me.  Paranoid or what. I hate going to the doctor for that reason....I always feel like everyone is looking at me.  Why do they need to have the chairs facing each other anyway?


Thursday, 16 June 2011


This morning I really hate the public transport system and the fact that it made have a mini meltdown.  I organised my morning around it and it all went to shit.  I had an appointment with my psychiatrist at 12.  I worked out to catch the bus at 11:15 that I would be there with a decent amount of time before my appointment.  Oh how I was, so wrong.  I don't know if they just stopped that service or what but it just never turned up, 12 came and went.  I had to catch a taxi.

Cue scene 2....the tears.  I rang mental health to let them know that I was going to be late.  Their response...we'll just reschedule your appointment.....and the tears begin.  She wanted to put me through to acute care thanks I just wanted to see my doctor today.  With a bit of back and forth I was told to just come up and I would see a doctor.  Thankfully after all of this stressful stuff ups I was able to get to speak to my psychiatrist.

Cue scene 3....the tears with a good outcome.  My record of two appointments without tears came to an end when I spent half of the session crying....over god knows what.  The decision was made to start me on a mood stabiliser after I told her about my swift mood changes of moderately happy to ultimate bitch.  I'm hoping this medication works....only time will tell I guess.

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Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Gym Junkie

Today I did the unthinkable.....I did a gym class.  I found muscles that I not only did not know existed but I thought they had possibly shrivelled up and died.  Who knew that there were so many muscles in your arse!

I did a cardio circuit for an hour all I can say is......holy fuck!  I'm just sitting on the couch and my thighs are aching.  There is a good chance that I won't be able to walk tomorrow. Half way through I wasn't sure if I would be able to walk out of the room.  

This is just the kick start I need though.  I've been in a slump and hopefully this is what I need to start digging my way out of it.  I just need to stop the sabotage eating.....but that's a post for another day.

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Friday, 10 June 2011

Depression Video

This video appeared on my news feed tonight and I thought it fight perfectly with the 'theme'



It's almost 4 years on and I'm still paranoid about the police.  Every time a police car drives past, my heart starts to beat 100 miles an hour.  It kind of unnerves me that I have police officers as friends on my facebook.  I'm always on edge waiting for the penny to drop.

It's quite possibly worse when I see a prison officer.  My knuckles go white I am clutching the pram so hard.  Sometimes I feel like I have a 'label' that tells them that I've been there.  

I hated every. single. minute of being in prison.  Anyone who says that someone going to jail is getting the 'easy' way out has obviously never been there or even visited.  One common exclamation from the general public is that they get 'three meals a day'.  Sure you get three meals a day but lunch is the exact same thing every. single. day.  It took me 12 months after getting out of prison to be able to bring myself to be able to eat a wrap.  You have allocated milk and if you drink it before the week is up then no more coffee or cereal for you.  Dinner every night is cold, not cool, stone cold.  Its usually pasta or another carb laden meal.  There is also no deviation from the menu, there is a set meal for every single night of the week.  Wednesday night was ham steak....this was just a ham steak in the middle of the plate with a piece of pineapple on top.

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Thursday, 9 June 2011

Approaching the Unapproachable

Off Tuesday's post, how do you approach the subject of mental illness?  How do you ask someone if everything is alright without offending?  The answer: I have no idea....only you do.

I guess I should elaborate on that statement.  The truth is, everyone is different, what may offend me may be no worries to Joe Blow down the road.  Only you know the person you are talking to.  You know the best way to approach the unapproachable.  All I can give insight into is what I've found helpful and not so helpful.

One thing that will really make me shut down is having a stranger straight out ask me what happened to my arms, then not accept my answer of "I'd rather not talk about it".  While I'm passionate about awareness, there is a time and a place......the checkout at Big W is not such a place.  I'm also guarded about it don't always want to talk about it with every tom, dick and harry.  

If you ask the question, be prepared to listen.  How are you is the most misused question in the entire world.  Unless I know the person, I refuse to answer the question.  How many times have you asked someone how they are but not waited to hear the answer or really taken notice of how they answer the question.  Major Man knows that even when I say I'm good, that that's not always the real answer. Why? Because he listens to the non verbal cues, which are the most important.

Never, ever undermine the way someone feels.  It's not a simple case of 'getting over it' or 'trying harder'.  You might not understand what the person is going through but that doesn't make what they are feeling any less.  

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Tuesday, 7 June 2011


Tonight on sbs' insight the topic of discussion was suicide.  I just felt that I had to write something about it but I really have no idea where to start. There is so many places to go with it.

The main idea that came from the discussion was that suicide needs to be talked about.  I couldn't agree more, why in the 21st century is mental illness still such a taboo subject? Is it because it's just too hard? I think that there is just do little real information about mental illness that some of the public are still stuck in the dark ages when it comes to understanding what mental illness is about.  People still see mental illness sufferers as 'crazy' people that you should stay away from. Some of the most compassionate, caring people I know suffer from mental illnesses.

Last time I went to my appointment at my local mental health clinic, I was sitting out the front talking to a few people and a man sat down with his lunch and offered me a drink.  I thought this was strange.  Our hospital is getting a makeover and he had a construction uniform on.  I thought it was strange that of all the places to have lunch he would choose the courtyard of mental health and sit amongst the 'crazies'. He intrigued me as he joined in the conversations easily.  I thought maybe he did this everyday.  It wasn't until he had been sitting there for at least 15 minutes that he revealed he was a patient.  I was dumbfounded and ashamed.  I'd made the judgement that because he didn't look 'sick'.  I of all people should know that mental illness is an inside illness, it can affect anyone.  The person sitting next to you on the bus, they could have a mental illness.  I had a new understanding of this man and felt that I wasn't so guarded with him because he was 'one of us'.  I wonder if his workmates knew of his struggles.  Probably not considering the industry he worked in.  

Lets hope that by the time our children are the adults and the next generation has begun that mental illness and suicide won't be such a taboo subject.  That mental illness will be talked about like the common cold or flu.  We can only hope and spread awareness.

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