Letting go

I got a bit of disappointing news today.  My psychiatrist who I have been seeing for the last 3 years has resigned and gone private.  I can't afford to follow her so looks like I am at the mercy of the public system again.  Oh joy!

Initially I was told that she was going part time private but still having clinic once a week and had agreed to keep me on....today she said that she finishes for good mid next month.  I will see her for the last time in two weeks.  It's already making me sick to the stomach.

She asked how I felt about it....what was I supposed to say? Don't leave me? Oh now wouldn't that be soooo borderline of me, so predictable.  So what did I say?  Well thats life, sometimes people leave.  When all I wanted to do was scream at her.  How am I supposed to start over again?  Especially with a case manager who doesn't really know me well either and who thinks I just need to meditate more. 

How can we put our trust in people when they all leave....eventually.  There are only a couple of people in my life, not counting family, who have been there through thick and thin.  Who despite there own struggles have always been there and I will be forever greatful for their support.  The friends who make mental health jokes without malicious intent.  The friends who have been there, done that, bought the T shirt.  The friends who knew the difference between self harm thoughts and intent.  The friends who stayed up chatting all night just for the sake of it.  I just hope that I can be the friend to them that they are to me :)