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This is probably going to be a post of verbal diarrhoea because my head feels all over the place at the moment and some days I am having trouble gathering everything together.

Ever felt like the world is too noisy? That every sound grates against your every fibre? That everything startles you?  This is the feeling I have been having lately.  Not even tranquilisers are dulling it.  All I can do is close my eyes and hope the world is a little less 'noisy' when I open them.  For the record it rarely works. The 'noise' still grates on me, I still feel tense. 

It sucks being the 'bad' parent but someones gotta do it right.  Someone has to be the kill joy.  I just wish it wasn't me, or at least that sometimes Major Man wasn't always the 'fun' one.  I've found myself being quiet when he is disciplining him to let him feel what its like to be constantly not listened to.  I think its more for my benefit to know that its not just me.  He doesn't listen to daddy too. 

I signed up for weight watchers a couple of weeks ago and its well, its hit a plateau.  I've really lost my weight loss mojo.  I lost 30kgs, then have now put close to 10 back on.  Yet I still eat crap.  I bought a block of chocolate today.....WHY?????? I feel bad about not losing weight but it doesn't stop the hand to mouth with the crap food. 

I've lost life mojo I think.  I'm really struggling to rein it back in.  Even Major Man has really noticed the difference. He keeps asking what's wrong, I keep smiling and saying nothing.  The truth is I have no fucking idea! Is this something that is just always going to float above me and there is nothing I can do? I'm sleeping 10+ hours a night and still feel tired all the time.  I could lay in bed all day just staring at the ceiling....instead I sit on the couch staring at the tv.

Judgement

What the hell happened to the saying it takes a community to raise a child??? Now its all about pushing your opinion onto poor unsuspecting mothers.  There is so much judgement in society today that its not funny.

It doesn't matter what you do as a parent there is always someone standing in the 'peanut gallery' just waiting to tell you how you are fucking up your kids life.  Why do we constantly feel the need to justify our choices to society.  Especially to those who most times have never had children and are text book experts.  You know the ones who believe that with the right about of 'discipline' a child will become a well rounded adult.  The ones who haven't even looked after a child, but set all the guidelines.  I want to know some of their addresses on the days when things are getting hectic and send my toddler who needs better 'discipline' to them and see how quickly they change their minds.

I'm a firm believer of 'sane mummy = happy family' and have made steps to ensure this is upheld.  I didn't breastfeed because me being well and taking my medication was important to my mothering journey.  Mini Man goes to daycare twice a week and this helps me become a more calm mum and gives us both the time out we need.  Now there are quite a few people who disagree with my choices (the name Yolande comes to mind on the first point) but I say 'fuck you'.  I have a happy child and its been close to 3 years since I have been an inpatient and 2 years since the last time I self harmed. 

Letting go

I got a bit of disappointing news today.  My psychiatrist who I have been seeing for the last 3 years has resigned and gone private.  I can't afford to follow her so looks like I am at the mercy of the public system again.  Oh joy!

Initially I was told that she was going part time private but still having clinic once a week and had agreed to keep me on....today she said that she finishes for good mid next month.  I will see her for the last time in two weeks.  It's already making me sick to the stomach.

She asked how I felt about it....what was I supposed to say? Don't leave me? Oh now wouldn't that be soooo borderline of me, so predictable.  So what did I say?  Well thats life, sometimes people leave.  When all I wanted to do was scream at her.  How am I supposed to start over again?  Especially with a case manager who doesn't really know me well either and who thinks I just need to meditate more. 

How can we put our trust in people when they all leave....eventually.  There are only a couple of people in my life, not counting family, who have been there through thick and thin.  Who despite there own struggles have always been there and I will be forever greatful for their support.  The friends who make mental health jokes without malicious intent.  The friends who have been there, done that, bought the T shirt.  The friends who knew the difference between self harm thoughts and intent.  The friends who stayed up chatting all night just for the sake of it.  I just hope that I can be the friend to them that they are to me :)